Family photos and the subsequent mind fuck

On Wednesday, we had family photos. We try to color coordinate annually and often end up doing either white and blue or maroon, white, and blue. This year was a slight variation: maroon and blue only. When I peeked in my closet on Monday in preparation for these photos, I had some things that could work, but the fit wasn't great. Since resuming my weight loss journey about two years ago, I've lost 50 pounds. Thus, things don't quite fit the same. That being said, my time is very limited these days and so I had about two hours the day of photos to go shopping. I first stopped at Maurice's and was happy as a Larry to discover that I could shop on their plus size side as well as in the larger sizes on their "normal" side. Despite this, I only found one shirt that would maybe work. But, it was an XL instead of a plus size! Next, I stopped at Lane Bryant. This is a store solely for us plus size ladies. I found a lot of good stuff there and pulled my usual size. Carla, one of the sales ladies, helped me get into a room and I asked if she'd be willing to run to get me new sizes as I'd lost some weight and had avoided going shopping for a while now. She agreed and then I put on my normal size and was pleased to discover it was large on me. She had a lot of running to do to help me find things that fit well and I spent hella money. Now I have a bunch of 14/16 clothes. For reference, I started this journey in a 22/24.

Now, I've lost a significant amount of weight before and then gained most of it back, so I don't know if it was this shopping experience, but I've been in my head a ton lately about gaining it back. Despite being consistent with my healthier changes - meeting a 10k step goal every day for 134 days, eating more fruit, trying to hydrate as much as possible - I've been eating outside of my norm this week. I've been eating more often (I've been so. hungry. all. the. time.) and eating things I would normally try to minimize eating. And I haven't done my usual, "Well, I've already fucked the day, so I may as well keep going," thing that I would normally do, but I've been disappointed in myself. I also haven't done much more than my 10k steps per day this week in terms of exercise. There was one night when I could have watched my TV while walking on my Peloton, but I just wanted to veg. So, I did. 

This morning, in my attempt to pull myself out of this funk, I did a 30 minute Peloton session and did some running and was able to do it without wanting to die, which is an accomplishment. I don't know why, given that it'd been a week since my last intense workout, that I didn't think I could do it, but I was pretty convinced of my suckiness before starting. So, being done was really nice. 

I'm still kind of in this mind fuck and so we'll see where this week takes us!

Kathy Bates, Retainers, and Back Pain

It's hard to blog/journal/update all my adoring fans over the weekends. Mostly because I'm trying my best to Mom. Now, with this separation/upcoming divorce deal, I have every other weekend off from Mom-ing, but then I'm almost always doctoring. So, who knows what the future will hold? Weekend posts? No weekend posts? Some weekend posts? I am sure you're just as anxious as me to see what happens.

This weekend, I was reading an article about Kathy Bates having lost 100 pounds over the last 7 years. One of the things that struck me is that she said it took her years to be able to listen to/discover/appreciate her body's signals that's she full/satisfied/ready to be done eating. When I took ozempic, that full feeling was loud and clear. (For those of you who aren't long time followers, I tried ozempic and then ultimately discontinued it due to obscene amounts of explosive diarrhea. I also tried Mounjaro, but had the same problem.) So, now I'm trying to see if I have that signaling. Yesterday, I would have said yes. I went to a baby shower and then a dinner with friends and was so overly full, it was uncomfortable. I kept eating because, duh, I'm me, but I realized that maybe I could figure that out for myself, too. So, it'll be something I'm going to try to think of a bit more. 

Back to the baby shower. I was responsible for invitations, onesie decorating, and bringing the cake. Naturally, I got the cake from Costco because I live less than 10 minutes from Costco, a sheet cake is incredibly cheap there, and that cake is awesome. The mousse filling? Chef's kiss. After the party folks had eaten their share, I naturally left it at the host's house. Today I had to go back there because I left my wallet (without realizing it) in addition to some other goodies. While there, the host offered me to take the cake back. We decided to go halfsies because like me, the people in my household also don't need to be eating copious amounts of cake. But man, that cake is so good that I was literally salivating in the car. Thankfully we had stuff to do right away upon my return home because I would have eaten hella cake. We did have it for dessert after dinner and while putting it away, I was already thinking about when I'd have another piece. So, I decided to brush my teeth and put my retainers in to avoid eating more.

Back to today. Today, the kids and I rode our bikes to the park (can you call it bike riding if Zayd rode a motorized mini ATV? Probably not). Often when we go to the park, Zayd wants to play Monster where I run around roaring and try to catch him and Reyah. It gets some steps in while allowing me to publicly humiliate myself - such a multitasker I am! So, I usually agree to it. Today, we had a few more kids playing along because since Reyah started kindergarten, we now know the entire town of Timnath. Well, I was sprinting (for me) and caught a victim, proceeded to lift her up, and immediately felt myself throw out my back. For me, throwing out my back is a once every couple year occurrence. So, I wasn't due as I'd just done this in April and my massage therapist fixed me. She told me it was my hip flexors and did some hella painful manipulation/massage and I walked out pain free after two weeks of worsening pain. So, tonight I tried walking on the treadmill for a half hour and a half hour of stretching. It definitely helped and maybe I won't have to walk hunched over tomorrow, but it still feels like garbage. Thankfully, I have a massage planned for Tuesday. 

Tomorrow I have a long office day and so I'm hoping to eat a hearty breakfast at home and pack some healthy snacks. I realized tonight that we're very low on fruit, so perhaps tomorrow after work will be a Costco trip to stock up again in addition to a solid work out if my back behaves because the kiddos will be with Nasur. 

Thanks for following along! Some cute kid photos for your troubles.

Grieving the end of the Wegovy era

Today I'm grieving my decision to stop Wegovy. I have done six injections of the 1mg dose and the diarrhea is no longer manageable with Imodium. It's explosive and disruptive to my sleep and makes it really hard to get work done, be it in the office, in the OR, or on call. So, I've decided to stop it. I messaged my obesity medicine doctor, who wants me to trial Saxenda. I just worry it'll do the same thing because it's in the same class of medications. But, I guess I should at least give it a try. I will probably wait another week or so before starting because I want to get the Wegovy out of my system for a bit first.

Given that I'm making this change, I figured it's also a good opportunity to think of other things that'll make me more successful in my weight loss. As much as I hate the idea of it, I think I need to get back to calorie counting and taking food photos. I had told myself smaller portions and making better food choices was good enough, but if I really want this, I think this'll help jumpstart more weight loss. I am already killing it at the gym, so I don't have much to add there.

Anywho, here's breakfast from today! I'm getting dressed for the gym shortly and then I have tons of errands to run. I'll do a weigh in on Wednesday.

Aaand because I can't help myself, here are kiddo photos from the weekend:

Dual citizenship

I finally bit the bullet and got a new gym membership. With my work discount, it cost $8.49 a month. I really like this new gym for weight training, but it's a bit crowded and there is no natural light. So, I decided to keep my other gym membership too and now I've got two gym memberships. Given the reasonable cost of the second one, I feel like there's no reason to make the choice between the two of them as they both have perks and drawbacks. Now I've got dual gym citizenship...ish?

Today was a postcall day. I wanted to use the day for some productivity, but I was really tired so it was a fight to get out of bed. But, I did it. I picked up a Target order, went to the gym, did physical therapy, picked up a Walmart order, came home and showered and met with our Disney planner to try to coax Nasur into a Disney cruise. It worked. We're set to go in January 2024 and I'm pretty excited about it. I think the kids will have a great time and they better, for the price tag. We're also bringing along my mom and she's never been on a cruise, so I'm hoping it's a fun virgin sailing for her too.

As for a wegovy update, I have been managing the diarrhea with Imodium. I've done a month now at the dose that really upsets my stomach and I am still trying to figure out what I want to do moving forward. 

Going in the right direction

I have lost about 33.4 pounds since recommitting to this whole weight lose shindig. Obviously i'd like to keep going and since the Wegovy has really helped, the hesitation to change things up is STRONG. So, we'll see? I have messaged my obesity medicine doc to get her thoughts and am waiting to see what she says.

NSV and the iPhone that ruined my life

Sorry for the abysmal blogging lately. I've been spending a lot of my nights precharting lately because I've had a lot of clinic days. It's a real rush and real fun and there's nothing I'd rather do! I've also been busy trying to figure out how to work this stupid iPhone that I stupidly just bought. I figured since the FitBit took a major turn into Suckville by not letting you do competitions amongst friends, since Google wanted me to update my storage, since everyone in my family has an iPhone, and since I was at 90% capacity storage on my Pixel 5 that I'd upgrade and try my hand at the iPhone. Well, that was stupid. The customizability? Garbage. The voice to text? Garbage. The inability to send contacts directly in a text message? Garbage. The inability to text people from any computer you log onto? Garbage. The lack of an evening blue light filter? Garbage. The inability to delete apps you'll never use? Garbage. The inability to change the volume of different notifications (ringtone, alarm, text message, email notification, etc)? Garbage. I could go on and on. And to be honest, I'm disappointed that I'm so underwhelmed. I really wanted to like it. I already have a MacBook Pro and an iPad, so I really thought finishing off the trifecta would be great. So, so stupid. So far, the pros I've found include ease of FaceTiming with family without hauling out my computer or iPad and being able to text continuously with Nasur when he's at school with poor cell signal and we can only chat with web messaging (we would normally switch to WhatsApp). That's literally it. Oh, and I like the facial recognition, but the new Pixel also has that, so not a great point in its column. That being said, I also bought the AirPods, which I have already returned because of the severe disappointment with their use. And I bought the Apple Watch, which I will also trial before I decide on whether or not to scrap this whole iPhone situation. I have heard good things about the Apple Watch and its fitness tracking, but am wondering if the kool aid all the iPhone folks have been drinking has caused permanent brain damage.

Anywho, on to non-scale victories (NSV)! Today was Nasur's last day of Spring semester. The man passed his classes and so, to celebrate, we went on our evening walk. We haven't been doing them lately because Nasur's been trying to use every spare minute to study and I've been missing them. Well, today, Reyah wanted me to race her. Racing requires running. Running is not something I like to do, usually. Once upon a time, in medical school, I used to run a 5k 3-4 times a week. It wasn't always enjoyable, but it was something I wanted to be able to do, so I did it. I do recall reaching the runner's high part of life maybe once. I was at home in Midland for a break and I went to the gym at the community center where my pal Mark worked. I decided to run on a treadmill and ran nonstop for an hour and loved every minute of that. If running always felt like that, I probably wouldn't have stopped. But then the weight started piling back on and running was a suckfest that I didn't want to sign up for anymore. I probably haven't intentionally run since medical school. Anyway, back to racing with Reyah. I decided to just go for it. And you know what? I didn't die. In fact, I wasn't even huffing and puffing to the extent I anticipated. So, I call that a win! I did have to slow down every once in a while due to my pants falling down, which is also a nice non-scale victory. I can definitely tell my gym clothes are looser. I also got to go down a whole scrub size thus far.

Lastly, an update on my wegovy woes. I picked up the Saxenda but haven't started it yet. I did, however, decide to do one more dose of wegovy before calling it quits. I want to see if I can manage the diarrhea with imodium. If so, I may continue the Wegovy as it is associate with considerable more weight loss than is the Saxenda and the Wegovy is taken once weekly and Saxenda is daily. Fingers crossed!

Dimples!

Sibling brushing and bonding

Stamina

As I get used to blogging more again, I'm trying to find a schedule that feels doable. Because I'm a very all-or-nothing type of gal, I feel like telling myself I'll do this every day is a set up for failure. Because if I don't do it every day, I'll feel like a failure and then I won't do it at all. So, to avoid losing a tool that i am trying to use to help myself, I will shoot for 3-4 times a week.

Today was a day off for me, which is always my favorite kind of day. Oftentimes I overschedule myself on days off because I don't get much time to do stuff I need to do for me. Today, I tried to keep it pretty minimal: lunch with Stephen and an orthodontist appointment. I ate a big lunch because it seems every time the orthodontist and his cronies change out my wires, my teeth hurt so bad that eating is really hard. Today it didn't seem as bad as usual. I can still chew without significant pain, so either it's coming or it's not bad for the first time ever. I'm hoping for the latter. 

I also got in a workout today that I was proud of. On my way home from the orthodontist, I stopped at Walmart to get my Wegovy refill and was thinking in my head about how late it already was. I was stressing myself out because I wanted to beat Nasur to picking up the kids, mostly because Reyah got in her head that I was going to be the pick up parent that day, which I rarely am. So then I got to thinking that I wasn't going to be able to do a full hour's worth of exercise. And because I'm all-or-nothing, I felt like because I couldn't commit to an hour of exercise, it wasn't worth it. But then I told myself that so what if I took an additional 20 minutes to do what I needed to do for myself? The kids were safe and taken care of at day care. I was worth the extra 20 minutes that I didn't want to give myself. But, I decided to compromise. I told myself I'd do 48 minutes instead. That felt doable. So, I headed downstairs to do the elliptical. Normally, I'd go to the gym and do the treadmill for some cardio, but I thought the elliptical would be a better idea because randomly, my bunion is really hurting me. It's literally never done that before and I wondered if all the walking would exacerbate the pain. So, elliptical it was! And I kicked the elliptical's butt today. Six months ago, this 48 minutes of elliptical would have kicked my butt. But, not today. I've developed more stamina and it's noticeable to me during workouts. I'm proud of that. I got a good sweat going and Nasur ended up picking up the kiddos so I had enough time to do a rinse off after. I'm proud of how far I've come. Now to keep going!

Today's weigh-in because I was curious. A little up from my last one because I haven't been exploding, lol.

Hoping to spend only 2-3 more weeks in the 260s

Bonus pics: the kiddos post-teeth brushing.

We use the Colgate Hum toothbrush their dentist recommended and they earn funny hats/masks and take a picture every night after they're done brushing.

Courage and shame

So, let's start with some good news: It may just have been a GI bug! My symptoms have completely resolved already. In the past, the diarrhea lasted for days, so let's cross all things crossable that I can continue to take Wegovy. It's been really helpful to me and I was bummed that the solution may have just been to scrap that and try something else. But, bonus, I lost 6.6 pounds since my last weigh-in with all the explosions. I'll take it!

In other good(ish) news, I finally worked up the courage to tell Nasur that I was blogging again and that I wanted to talk to him about everything. That took a lot of courage for me because I have a lot of shame surrounding my weight. Nasur has never seemed to care about my weight, but when I met him, I was significantly less heavy than I am now (like 210 pounds). I've also completed a residency, had 2 children, developed a lot anxiety, and become an attending, sooo...

Back to the shame note. I'm not sure when I developed such a sense of shame about my body and my weight. I remember growing up and we never really talked about weight in my household. My doctor never said anything at doctor's visits, either. And honestly, I don't know if it would have changed anything. It's not like I was blissfully unaware that I was overweight. I distinctly remember being 200 pounds in like 7th or 8th grade. I also remember having a very hard time finding clothes that fit that weren't matronly because the stuff in bigger sizes was always meant for older women. That's probably a major reason why I hate shopping to this day. Nevertheless, the point of this rambling is to say that I am ashamed of letting myself get this big again. I'm ashamed of how I'm probably known as the fat one in my group of friends. I'm ashamed of the fact that there are things I simply don't fit in because of my size. It's embarrassing because I feel like it's my fault. Now, my obesity medicine doctor would tell me that it's not entirely my fault. Could I make better food decisions? Yes. Could I exercise more? Sure. But, one of the things I found really helpful in working with her is that she pointed out how much less disordered my eating is when on these medications. I don't binge. I eat reasonable portions. I snack less between meals. And she emphasized that it's okay that I need a medication to help me with that. So, now I have to be okay with that. And by talking to Nasur, I'm working towards being okay with myself too. Unfortunately, it appears Nasur now has the GI bug, so he's out of commission tonight. So, despite all this courage I worked up, the conversation still hasn't happened because I sent him off to bed. Here's hoping I'm courageous tomorrow!

Diarrhea as a weight loss tool: Don't recommend it, but highly effective

Distressed

Me: Here I go, winning at this weight loss thing

GI system: The fuck you are

Me: Calm down there, slugger

GI system: The fuck I will

Me: Please?

GI system: Get fucked

<Entering GI distress mode>

For those of you just joining this broadcast, I've been taking ozempic/wegovy since about September of last year. Hit a major road block in December when I went up to 1.0mg and had literally 20-30 episodes of explosive diarrhea daily for 5-6 days. I stopped taking it and started all over in January and slowly titrated up my dose so as to avoid it this time around. Soooo, that didn't work. In case that wasn't painfully obvious by the above communication. 

That being said, Reyah had a GI bug two days ago, so it could also be that. I also majorly upped my fiber to try and avoid diarrhea with this increased dose, so maybe that backfired on me? Who knows, but suffice to say, work was not fun and a lot of explosions occurred. Thankfully, I was able to hold things in for between patients and then scurry home as fast as possible and take some zofran and lay in bed. Nasur has done all the evening duties so I could just worry about exploding when needed. Really hope this improves by tomorrow otherwise clinic will be miserable.

Send happy thoughts to my GI system!

Breakfast pre-GI distress

Lunch while distressed

Tried to settle my tummy with some toast - did not work

A Bike Conversation

Today, Nasur, Reyah, and I took a bike ride around the Arapahoe Bend Natural Area. Well, the nugget was a passenger in her new bike trailer and she eventually fell asleep, so she wasn't exactly an active participant. We hadn't gotten to go on a long bike ride together since before Reyah was born, so it felt really nice. I also took it as an opportunity to fill Nasur in on some goals I have and talk to him about some tough topics. 

I started the chat off by talking to him about how at my heaviest ever recorded weight (which was taken way back in 2005 about two weeks after I started working out), I weighed 274 pounds. So, I'm sure I was heavier than that at some point. On Monday, I was 268.6 pounds. I told him how embarrassing that is. I mean, who loses a bunch of weight only to gain almost all of it back? Well, according to statistics, about 95% of people, but I really didn't want to be in that 95%. I also told him about how it's hard to motivate myself to do this again because I am so deathly afraid of failing. I talked about how sometimes it's hard to start something because if I don't succeed, then I think I'm a failure and I'd rather not fail. I also talked about how I want to be a good role model for Reyah. I don't want her to grow up with issues around food or unhealthy eating habits. And I also don't want to be a wife whose husband doesn't find her attractive (though Nasur says that could never happen). I told him how I have a hard time being nice to myself, but this is something I really want.

We also talked about how he can help me achieve my goals. I told him that asking me to go for a walk, take a bike ride, or get moving somehow is really helpful. Additionally, I told him cutting up the fruit is super helpful. He has this fancy way of cutting watermelon and cantaloupe so that it takes all of 2 minutes whereas it takes me about 20 minutes. And thus I make him cut all the fruit.

Though Nasur isn't exactly the most vocal man (perhaps that's how this relationship continues to work because I'm pretty vocal), I know he supports me and wants me to be happy. He will help me however he can, but he said something that really resonated with me - that I am going to have to be the one to put in the work. And he's right. No one can do this for me. If someone could though, I'd be willing to pay a lot of money.

Photos from today:

Lemon square prior to breakfast (not pictured: the second one I ate, lol)

Noms breakfast

It's palindrome week!

Lunch: pepperoni pizza + banana (not pictured: another lemon square)

Grapes for a snack!

Nugget sleeping during our bike ride

After getting back from the bike ride

Smoked gouda + blueberries snack

Hello Fresh sesame beef tacos

Watermelon dessert

Today's calorie counts

And I'm off! Cheers, folks!

Day 303/365: Making some goals for November

Okay, so since tomorrow is the start of a new month, I'd be amiss to not take this as an opportunity to set some new goals. Last month, I was really on the wagon for some bits. This month, I'd like to be on the wagon for all the bits. My biggest challenge is going to be being on the calorie counting wagon. 

In terms of counting calories, I've always been really successful when using my food scale. So, I'm going to take one to work and leave one at home. I'm also going to be packing my food as much as possible. This month, I'm working in the hospital, which, contrary to popular belief, allows me a lot of opportunities to eat unhealthy stuff. So, packing will really help with this. Also, it will help me limit my desserts this month. I'd like to say no dessert at all, but that just makes me depressed. So I plan on having dessert on Thanksgiving (or whenever we are able to celebrate it since I'll be working), Interview Day, and once or twice on vacation next week.

My other big challenge will be hitting the gym more consistently. Now that I'll be back at the hospital, I'll be out of work between 5 and 5:30 every night. This is a pretty traffic-heavy time of day. Rather than hit the road to sit in traffic, I'm going to take it as an opportunity to hit the gym and then avoid traffic on my way home. I'm also going to try to be consistent with some kind of exercise when I'm on vacation next week. I tend to take a complete break on vacation. I veg out completely and eat anything in front of my face. This is going to be a healthy-ish vacation. 

In terms of weight, I'd like to lose about 10 pounds this month to get myself some momentum to end the year on a high note. 

Also, photos. I'm going to try my best to remember to snap photos of what I'm eating.

That's all! Toodly loo.

Not typically someone who's got resolutions

I've never really been one to do the whole New Year's Resolution thing. Like yes, I set some goals for myself, but I've never been one to really wait until New Year's. I kind of figure that if I have a goal, I'll just get to it and accomplish it when I think of it, rather than wait until a specific day. This year, I'm really fucking in to doing New Year's Resolutions. These are my top 3:

1. Pay off all my credit card debt
2. Study on a consistent schedule
3. LOSE THE FUCKING WEIGHT

So, let's go through all my goals one by one, shall we? Cuz to accomplish shit, you need a plan of how you're going to get there.

Numero uno: Pay off the credit card debt

I accumulated a lot of credit card debt in med school going to various countries in Africa and being all around not-too-savvy with money spending. So, this year, Nasur and I have made it a priority to pay off my debt. We've transferred the balance from our high interest credit card to our low interest credit card and are using the Mint app to help tell us when and how much to pay to get this shit done by December 2017. Hopefully sooner if I get an awesome tax return.

Nombre deux: Study on a consistent schedule

I've decided I need to do at least one practice bulletin a day and some kind of other reading per night - at least an hour of reading of some sort. It's not a lot, but it's a minimum that I could actually stick to.

Nummer drei: LOSE THE FUCKING WEIGHT

I've been prepping for this one the most. How, you ask? I've been reading about diets, I've been making sure my gym is open, I've been figuring out group fitness schedules, I've been making healthy grocery lists, I've been looking up healthy (and easy) recipes, and I've been bingeing like there's no tomorrow because I figure once the first rolls around, that shit's gotta stop. So, how am I going to get below 200 pounds by 2018? I'm going to track those damn calories, hit the gym after work (as long as I'm not working the long shift), I'm going to take my blender to work and make protein shakes, I'm going to quit the bingeing, I'm going back to intermittent fasting two days a week, and eating is going to stop by 8pm on nights as much as possible. Oh, I know how completely shitastic the first few weeks are going to be. I'm going to be cranky as all hell and I'm going to be staring at people's food and imagining it in my belly, BUT, I'm also going to be gaining muscle, I'm going to be eating healthy at restaurants, the straining on my scrubs will stop, I'll stop having food hangovers, and I'll start feeling more awesome about myself. And, really, nothing big will change about my life except my health and I'll hopefully serve as motivation for others. And I'm going to try to blog more and take all kinds of photos. And I'm going to talk about it with people so that rather than feel embarrassed/ashamed, I'm seeking out support and making others aware of my goals - that stuff really helped the first time around. 

Also, I've got Blogger downloaded on my phone and my iPad so that I can blog faster and easier rather than taking 30-60 minutes a night working on it. And I'm going to give myself a goal of 4-5 days of blogging per week. Nasur is going to weigh in with me every Monday (as in he's going to stand by me when I step on the scale) so I have someone to keep me accountable and we're talking about doing a 5k. All good things. I'm also going to take a selfie every single day and post it on here so I've got all kinds of before and after pictures. And I'm going to take more pictures in general because really, why else do I have a smart phone? And I'm quitting facebook because seeing other people and comparing myself to them makes me feel poopy about myself AND whoa, do I spend a lot of time on it. 

That's it, folks. 

I just showered (so that I could shave my legs and have them be gym ready for January 1) and am getting ready to hit the hay. I've gotta work 24 hours tomorrow, so I had to do some planning tonight. 

Anywho, LET'S MAKE 2017 work for us, amirite?

New long-term goal

So, after a lot of self pity and figuring out my shit, I've decided upon this: when I turn 30, I want to be able to start a new decade as healthy as I can. I have 199 days until this happens. What am I doing to help myself do this? All this shit:

1. I am going to hit up the gym after work every day possible and keep my gym bag in the car to make it easy to just go
2. I am going back to counting calories and taking snacks to work. I will continue to buy my lunch because packing lunches blows, but I will be good about choosing healthy options
3. I will weigh in every Monday and set a 1.5 - 2 pound per week goal
4. I will blog as much as possible. This little love club really helped me stay accountable last time
5. I won't let setbacks own me or ruin me
6. I will talk about my goals with friends so that they help me stay accountable too

Let's do this, guys. Weigh-in tomorrow!

I've got this guy on my team too - so that should help!

One-week Challenge and Getting Back on the Train

Since I last blogged, I really didn't make much of an effort to eat any better. I kinda figured I'd wait until after Thanksgiving, which would allow me to eat whatever I wanted without guilt tripping myself. So, I did just that. I also let myself skip the gym more than necessary, telling myself [again] that I'd wait until after Thanksgiving. Now, however, I'm working on getting back on track for two reasons: 1) I can feel the effects of not exercising (I'm waaaaay cranky all the time) and 2) Nasur's fiancé visa was approved (!!!!!) and I want to feel like I look at least a little better when I see him next.

So, I've begun intermittent fasting again and going back to the gym. This week was my first week back to the gym after a two-week hiatus and today was my first appointment with my personal trainer in a month. I don't think we did anything super remarkable, but I felt like death afterwards. It may have been because I've been having diarrhea since yesterday, but when I got home, all I wanted to do was lay in bed forever. However, I only laid in bed for an hour because my friend Adam and I had planned to go to see the Nutcracker at the Detroit Opera House. I've never actually seen that ballet live before and it was a great performance. Afterwards, we braved the cold to go get some sushi, which was worth it. Since getting home, the diarrhea has picked up in frequency and decreased in viscosity. It's pretty miserable. I'm hoping it magically resolves overnight because I have a lot I want to accomplish tomorrow.

In other news, I'm going to do a one-week challenge for the gym to really get myself back on the train. I work every single day from the 7th until the 30th, so I figure I'll work really hard for this first week and taper my gym visits to 3-4 times a week as I get more and more and more exhausted. So, the challenge starts tomorrow! Wish me luck! 

Some recent eats/dog photos:

Cold spaghetti - yum!

Breakfast

Bailey

Bailey, Mayzie (and Katniss in the background)

My go-to sandwich

Bingeing, goals, and some good news!

So I'm going to come out and say it: I've been binge eating. I signed up for my third board exam just over a week ago and instead of going into productivity mode, I've gone into "I'm going to fail, so I better procrastinate and what's a better way to procrastinate than by eating all the things?" mode. That's not the best mode to be in, let me tell you. And it's been going on too damn long and man oh man have I been feeling the effects of it. I'm exhausted in the afternoons, I've been feeling physically sick, and I'm lazing around like it's my job. I've finally decided to screw that. I don't need to be exhausted, there's no reason to make myself feel physically sick, and my job is to work. So, I'm going to do that.

Today starts what I'm calling my two week challenge. I'm going to do two things in my two week challenge: work out 5 days a week and only eat one serving size when I eat. Bam. I'm not going to restrict myself to what I'm going to eat - I'm just going to be sensible when I'm eating. I'm going to treat myself with the respect I deserve. So, good for me.

In other news, Nasur's fiancé visa petition was approved on Monday (which was also my mom's birthday, but felt a little bit more like mine given the good news)! This means that Nasur will hopefully be in America in the next 3-4 months. Woo hoo! It also means that he and I have to get married within 90 days of his arrival. Meh. I've never been the type of woman to be super pumped about weddings. Like I never sat and planned mine as I was growing up and to be honest, I still don't really give a shit. I don't want to plan something in 90 days, so we're thinking it'll be a little courthouse thing and we can have a fun reception that is a true celebration once we have money/have more than 90 days to plan something. We'll see. It's a ways away, but is also coming up quickly.

But, back to the real point: Nasur will be here. Given that he's never been to America and lives in one of the world's poorest countries, I'm sure it'll be culture shock after culture shock after culture shock - perhaps we could call it culture electrocution? But I'm so glad he'll be here. He's super supportive, pushes me to do better for me, gets me no matter what mood I'm in, and is a very positive person. He can also flip the switch with me when I need to be serious Danika versus singing, dancing, goofy Danika. It's super nice having someone who can be anything you need. He's also incredibly selfless - he's always thinking about me and my happiness, like waaaaay more than I ever think of anyone else. All in all, I'll be glad to have him. He's also already very aware of my food issues and knows that he's going to have to make the gym and healthy eating part of his lifestyle too. And what's more, he's already thinking of ways that he can help. Like I said, he's pretty great. So, I hope the government can move quickly so I can have him here soon.

I also kinda want to look awesome when he arrives. Not for him, per se, because really, he thinks I'm the bomb diggity already, but for me. I want him to know he's going to be with someone who can set goals and then see them through. So, I'm packing up my gym bag tonight to throw into my car and getting ready for an awesome Monday and an awesome day two of my two-week challenge.

Also: I'm super proud of myself already for setting a realistic goal - with my current schedule, there's just no way I can make it to the gym every day. So, instead of setting myself up for disaster and then getting upset and bingeing about my failure, I'm making a goal that will be challenging and realistic. Bam. A step in the right direction!

Look for a weigh-in tomorrow even though I really don't wanna ;-)

One of my favorite pictures of me and Nasur

Today's lunch: ham and cheese sandwich, pretzel pieces (1 serving size!) and dill pickles

Gifts/motivation for weight loss

This weekend was a bit more chill for me. I really needed that. It's been go, go, go for the last few weekends. I think I've worked the last 5 or 6 weekends in a row. This weekend was just a Friday night late night shift and an overnight shift Saturday night (7p to 7a). Typically I try to nap before a shift, but my little ol' brain just wouldn't shut down, so Saturday night was looooong with a lot of patients who screamed during labor and delivery. It was a bit intense for my eardrums. When I came back home, all I wanted was peace and quiet and my bed. I slept until 3:30 p.m., hit the gym, went grocery shopping, had Sara over for dinner, and then laid in bed not sleeping (probably since I slept until 3:30 p.m.)

This morning, I weighed in - and yayyyyy!

Yay!

You can see my weigh-ins here. Since recomitting to my weight loss journey, I've lost 19.4 pounds. Now, before I get all crazy and buy myself new shoes (which I promised myself I'd do when I was in the 220s), I want my next weigh-in to remain in the 220s. Since I'm pretty famous for losing and then regaining, I am waiting until I have one more weigh-in under my belt that is in the 220s. Then I'll order my new shoes.

My next big goal will be for the 210's. If I can get there and stay there for two consecutive weeks, I will buy myself two new pair of compression socks. 

Anywho, tomorrow is a fasting day in addition to being a personal trainer day. Usually I don't fast on trainer days, but since I didn't fast today, it was the only day that really made sense. I'm sure I'll be fine. 

Tomorrow I'll take photos of my eats for the day - I promise!

Do you give yourself any gifts/motivation to meet your weight loss goals?

So many questions - please help!

Well, it's been a while yet again since I've blogged. The good news is that once it becomes the magical month of September, I'll be able to blog some more. The bad news is that I'm still one ER shift away from said magic. I cannot continue to stress how much I hate the ER. I am so, so, so glad that there are nurses and techs and doctors who want to do that for a living because I will never, ever, no matter how much someone was willing to pay me, want to be an ER physician ever again. 

Okay, now that we've covered that, we can move on. The weight loss thing is still going pretty well. I really did enjoy being able to go to the gym before work this month because I think that's a great thing for your metabolism, but there's no way I'm going to be able to keep that up with 6:00 a.m. report times. To be honest, this is mostly to do with the gym hours. The gym doesn't open until 5:00 a.m. and there's no way I can fit my workout, shower, breakfast, and commute into an hour. However, I was thinking about signing up for a free 30-month subscription to Daily Burn and trying some at-home workouts before starting my day. Has anyone tried it? If you have, please give me your thoughts!

I'm still fasting twice a week. In fact, I fasted today since my stomach was a bit off before I went in to work and not eating may have been a good thing. It was slow as fuck at work today, which makes fasting harder than when work is just passing you right on by. However, I was able to stay in my calorie goal for my fasting days if you don't count the half a handful of chocolate chips I just ate because I was super craving something sweet and that was the only thing handy.

Other than that, I'm working on some things in my personal life: budgeting, studying, and getting ready for my third board exam. I just spent the last few weeks trying to figure out how to set a good budget for my income (residents get paid less than minimum wage if you divide our salary by our 80-hour work weeks), how to fit in some studying throughout the day, and how to apply for my last set of boards (for a little while). For me, if you take your third set of board exams within the first 18 months of residency, the program will pay for it. Sooo, yup. Definitely going to take advantage of that. That's $815 I won't have to worry about.

I'm also getting ready for my friend's wedding in October. She recently asked me to officiate her wedding in addition to being a bridesmaid. So, if anyone has ever done that and has some thoughts, I'd be happy to hear them.

For now, that's about it. I'll weigh-in tomorrow and do a post on my weight loss while celebrating being done with the ER for life!!!

Weigh-in and trying something new

So, today I was hesitant about whether or not I wanted to weigh in given that mid-week last week I hadn't lost any weight (I had actually gained like 0.2-0.4 pounds) and didn't have much of an opportunity to go to the gym: I worked late Friday, got adjusted on Saturday (and my chiropractor told me no gym afterwards), and then I went to hang out with friends on Sunday. I was thinking I would "forget," but then I decided that I owed it to myself to be honest with myself. So, I weighed in.

Now, it's only a 0.6 pound loss since last week, but I'll take it since a) I'm back in the 230s and b) it's still a loss. I'm using this as a motivation to lose that 4.4 pounds to get new shoes. It's going to mean a lot of on point eating and high intensity work outs with strength training. I think I can do it!

In other news, I noticed that I bruised my hand yesterday playing frisbee. I didn't know that was a thing.

I'm not sure you can see it, but it's at the base of my index finger and when I hit it on the steering wheel just right, it was a little jolt of pain. Otherwise, don't worry - I think I'll make it.

Also, on the good news train: I woke up without back or hip pain today. I think I'm going to go for an adjustment tomorrow after work and then go for a swim at the gym, since swimming is something I'm supposedly allowed to do. Now, I've never gone swimming in a public pool since high school because I have this weird thing where I feel compelled to plug my nose at all times when I'm underwater. Fortunately, I have a nose plug. I also have a crappy pair of goggles. So, I tried on some of my one pieces last night and found one that'll do the job and have promised myself I'll go after being adjusted tomorrow. And I have to say, props to me for trying something completely new and out of my comfort zone. 

Today at work was a typical Monday for me: slow morning and fast afternoon. It was also a fasting day, so I tried to keep breakfast smaller, so I omitted the bread in exchange for a yogurt protein smoothie. It was a good choice, I guess. However, around 9:00 a.m., my stomach started audibly growling. Whoops.

After work, the interns got together to study some good stuff. Today we discussed preterm labor and reviewed some basic anatomy. And, Alisha was kind enough to feed us some legit white chicken chili, which I've never had before. It seemed like it was pretty healthy, so despite not being able to control my own food on a fasting day, I think I was pretty close with my calorie goal for the day.

Learning

So, wish me luck on my new things tomorrow! Do you have to psych yourself up for trying a new activity or are you really easy going? Any tips for being nervous about making an ass of myself?