Courage and shame

So, let's start with some good news: It may just have been a GI bug! My symptoms have completely resolved already. In the past, the diarrhea lasted for days, so let's cross all things crossable that I can continue to take Wegovy. It's been really helpful to me and I was bummed that the solution may have just been to scrap that and try something else. But, bonus, I lost 6.6 pounds since my last weigh-in with all the explosions. I'll take it!

In other good(ish) news, I finally worked up the courage to tell Nasur that I was blogging again and that I wanted to talk to him about everything. That took a lot of courage for me because I have a lot of shame surrounding my weight. Nasur has never seemed to care about my weight, but when I met him, I was significantly less heavy than I am now (like 210 pounds). I've also completed a residency, had 2 children, developed a lot anxiety, and become an attending, sooo...

Back to the shame note. I'm not sure when I developed such a sense of shame about my body and my weight. I remember growing up and we never really talked about weight in my household. My doctor never said anything at doctor's visits, either. And honestly, I don't know if it would have changed anything. It's not like I was blissfully unaware that I was overweight. I distinctly remember being 200 pounds in like 7th or 8th grade. I also remember having a very hard time finding clothes that fit that weren't matronly because the stuff in bigger sizes was always meant for older women. That's probably a major reason why I hate shopping to this day. Nevertheless, the point of this rambling is to say that I am ashamed of letting myself get this big again. I'm ashamed of how I'm probably known as the fat one in my group of friends. I'm ashamed of the fact that there are things I simply don't fit in because of my size. It's embarrassing because I feel like it's my fault. Now, my obesity medicine doctor would tell me that it's not entirely my fault. Could I make better food decisions? Yes. Could I exercise more? Sure. But, one of the things I found really helpful in working with her is that she pointed out how much less disordered my eating is when on these medications. I don't binge. I eat reasonable portions. I snack less between meals. And she emphasized that it's okay that I need a medication to help me with that. So, now I have to be okay with that. And by talking to Nasur, I'm working towards being okay with myself too. Unfortunately, it appears Nasur now has the GI bug, so he's out of commission tonight. So, despite all this courage I worked up, the conversation still hasn't happened because I sent him off to bed. Here's hoping I'm courageous tomorrow!

Diarrhea as a weight loss tool: Don't recommend it, but highly effective

Bummer

Today was our get shit done day. And let me tell you, getting shit done is actually not one of my favorite things. I'm hella skilled in procrastinating and am nearly an expert at it. Anywho, we started the day with going to the DMV. Reyah was the cutest thing about the DMV. 

We got our license plates and our cars registered. In Colorado, they require two license plates - one in the front and the back. This is not ideal as I'm told that it allows you to be pulled over and/or ticketed easier. As I have inherited my grandmother's lead foot, I have a feeling this will be a very expensive state for me. 

Anywho, once we got home, we had some lunch, did some things around the house and decided we should start our search for a new day care. Gah. I forgot how not fun it is to search for day cares. Some places said they had over a year's waitlist. Boo corporate daycare. That being said, I hesitate to do in-home day care because what happens if that person gets sick or needs a vacation. So while I stressed over this, the nugget decided she needed a nap. And Nasur decided he did too. So I stressed over this and then I stress ate. I had three slices of cheese, several spoonfuls of cookie butter and maybe 4-5 peanut butter filled pretzels. Not great. 

And to top it off, my weigh-in this morning sucked and I hate failing. I'm annoyed because I gained 0.4 pounds.

Now I realize that's not a lot of weight, but that's the wrong way. I'm currently on my period, so maybe it's the fluid retention; I drank a bunch of water when I woke up; I didn't weigh in right after Reyah breastfed in the morning - I have a bunch of reasons why I think it may have been off. But I'm annoyed. I logged my calories every single day last week. And this past weekend, I took a break from logging and indulged a bit, but I didn't go overboard (which I tend to do when I let myself relax). So, yeah, I'm annoyed. I'll get back at it again tomorrow, but boo.

Tomorrow we have plans to do some day care tours, to finish up some small house things, and to put my license plates on.

Breakfast

Lunch

Blueberries while waiting for lunch

HelloFresh dinner

Nugget hamming it up at the DMV

A mishap

So today we had plans to go to Steamboat Springs. However, due to some incorrect googling, we realized a bit too late that the trip is 3.5 hours, rather than 1.5. Nasur wanted to give it a whirl, but I didn't want to drive for 7 hours. I figure we have time to go - maybe over a long weekend sometime. Instead, we opted to go to the lake. Well, we ended up going to two lakes.

Reyah got up at 7, per usual and then ended up taking a nap about two hours later. Once she woke up, we headed to the farmer's marker to get some produce. There, we learned the difference between a peach and a nectarine. The take-away? Nectarines aren't fuzzy and they have more citric acid. But they're also yummy, so we got some nectarines, some peaches, some green beans (Reyah's favorite), some zucchini, some corn, some peppers, some onion and a cantaloupe. The farmer's market is waaaay smaller than the one in Detroit, but I guess it's a good way to force us to make decisions faster.

We went home to have some lunch and then headed to Boyd Lake. When we got there, we went to the swimming area. Since we come from the land of the Great Lakes, it was a disappointment. The beach itself wasn't sand as much as it was teeny tiny rocks. And when you went in the water, it was mud until you were out pretty far and then still the lake floor was weird-feeling. We opted to cut our losses and headed to Windsor Lake.

Windsor lake was more lake-like and had some pebbles on the lake floor rather than mud. Reyah preferred this lake because it was easier to eat the dirt. After the lake, we headed home and played for a bit while Nasur grilled some hot dogs and burgers. 

After dinner, we did about an hour's bike ride, during which Reyah fell asleep. She was already in her jammies, so I can't blame her. 

Leftover breakfast burrito 

Healthier version of chocolate cake

Lunch: chicken salad on crackers

Boyd Lake

Not my favorite lake

Windsor Lake

Much nicer

Reyah running away while Nasur tried to get her dressed

Dinner: all the meat and some corn

Tomorrow we're headed to register our cars and then we'll see what we find ourselves doing with our free time. Tomorrow I'm also going to do a weigh-in. Hopefully things go well!

Going Halfsies

Today we made a trip to Denver because one of our friends flew in for a wedding so we picked her up and spent some time with her. First, we had some brunch at Snooze. We had been to their Fort Collins location and it was delicious so we headed there for another delicious experience. The wait was about an hour, so we went to a chocolate shop nearby and had some hot chocolate and a few chocolates as a snack. It was a good choice. And our meal afterwards was also a good choice.

Now, for those of you loyal readers, you'll know that I have a difficult time with portion control. If you set it in front of me, it'll most likely be eaten in entirety. I've been a member of the clean plate club as long as I can remember. But, not today. My breakfast burrito was massive and the menu said it was about 1230 calories. So, I stopped myself at half.

Additionally, when it got a bit later and I wanted a snack, Nasur and I stopped by a grocery store and I ran in and grabbed an apple and granola bar. I only ate the granola bar - but look at that! Two good choices in a day!

For dinner, Nasur was craving some Which Wich. So we stopped there once we got home and I opted to eat just half of my sandwich since Mary's Mountain Cookies is next door and is amazing and I knew I was going to get a cookie. Once we got to Mary's Mountain Cookies, I surprised even myself by getting the small cookie instead of the ginormous cookie. So many wins today.

Reyah's selfie at brunch

My Reyah photo at brunch

Walking at the lake

Happy beebz

Fun afternoon

Sizing up

First things first: My knees have completely recovered! I checked my FitBit. Apparently we did 32 flights of stairs yesterday. That would explain the knee pain. Surprisingly, my quads were just fine. Nevertheless, today was a chill day. 

The nugget has been getting up at 7:00 a.m. and today was no different. Not thrilled with her wake-up time, to be honest. She had some boob milk and I thought she was going to go back to sleep, but right as I got comfortable, she rolled over and crawled over to me and started giggling. Cute, kiddo, but too early for your mind games. Eventually, Nasur came up and saved me from the nugget. I followed them downstairs and then had some breakfast. While relaxing and watching the morning news, we bought Reyah a Halloween costume online. 

Source: carters.com

Now that baby is a cute dragon, but you just wait, Reyah will be an even cuter dragon. Shortly after buying the costume, I closed my computer and got a text from one of my residency pals texted me and told me our board scores were up. As I opened my computer, my wifi decided to crash and I was in a pure panic. I needed to see my scores ASAP. So I looked it up online and I passed! Woo hoo! That being said, like 87% of people pass (or so I'm told) so I had the odds in my favor, but still. Woooooooooo! 

Then I headed upstairs to get ready for my photography session. I had to get my headshots and full body shots for the website and marketing campaign to introduce me as a new doctor who's accepting patients. The photography session was mostly painless and they gave me a fancy schmancy water bottle with the hospital logo at the end.

Then I headed to the hospital to get fitted for my white coat (which I rarely ever wore during residency). The woman helping me offered me two choices: the unisex coat with more pockets or the woman's coat with a band in the back. I tried on the unisex coat first and its length was great, but the sleeves were large. Then she asked me for my normal shirt size to fit the white coat. I said 18 or 20. She was like, "Well, let's try the 16." Um, listen lady, it's hard enough for me to say my size out loud, but it's even harder when I have to ask for the larger size. I tried it on and had to ask for the bigger size. Then I tried the 18 and had to ask for the bigger size. Embarrassing.

Then she handed me a blanket with the hospital logo on it. And then she told me I also got a free jacket with the hospital logo on it. She reached for the women's XL/XXL bin. She asked which size I wanted to try first. Lady, I know you can see how big I am. Obviously the XXL. And let me tell you, it was snug. And she knew it was snug. She was like, "Um, let me see if we have a bigger size." I was like, "Um, I'm losing my pregnancy weight. It'll fit nicely soon enough." Like c'mon lady, we both know you don't have a bin with women's XXXL. And there's no need to embarrass me further. 

Then I went and did my occupational health stuff where they make sure I haven't done a lot of drugs and am up to date on all of my vaccinations and then I was set free. 

After all that, I went grocery shopping. First, I stopped at Trader Joe's, then Sprouts, and lastly, WalMart. Got lots of goodies and then went home. Nasur made dinner and then we went for a bike ride. Tomorrow we head to Denver to meet up with a friend from Michigan! Cheers!

Breakfast!

Lunch

Dinner

Nugget and Nasur

A Bike Conversation

Today, Nasur, Reyah, and I took a bike ride around the Arapahoe Bend Natural Area. Well, the nugget was a passenger in her new bike trailer and she eventually fell asleep, so she wasn't exactly an active participant. We hadn't gotten to go on a long bike ride together since before Reyah was born, so it felt really nice. I also took it as an opportunity to fill Nasur in on some goals I have and talk to him about some tough topics. 

I started the chat off by talking to him about how at my heaviest ever recorded weight (which was taken way back in 2005 about two weeks after I started working out), I weighed 274 pounds. So, I'm sure I was heavier than that at some point. On Monday, I was 268.6 pounds. I told him how embarrassing that is. I mean, who loses a bunch of weight only to gain almost all of it back? Well, according to statistics, about 95% of people, but I really didn't want to be in that 95%. I also told him about how it's hard to motivate myself to do this again because I am so deathly afraid of failing. I talked about how sometimes it's hard to start something because if I don't succeed, then I think I'm a failure and I'd rather not fail. I also talked about how I want to be a good role model for Reyah. I don't want her to grow up with issues around food or unhealthy eating habits. And I also don't want to be a wife whose husband doesn't find her attractive (though Nasur says that could never happen). I told him how I have a hard time being nice to myself, but this is something I really want.

We also talked about how he can help me achieve my goals. I told him that asking me to go for a walk, take a bike ride, or get moving somehow is really helpful. Additionally, I told him cutting up the fruit is super helpful. He has this fancy way of cutting watermelon and cantaloupe so that it takes all of 2 minutes whereas it takes me about 20 minutes. And thus I make him cut all the fruit.

Though Nasur isn't exactly the most vocal man (perhaps that's how this relationship continues to work because I'm pretty vocal), I know he supports me and wants me to be happy. He will help me however he can, but he said something that really resonated with me - that I am going to have to be the one to put in the work. And he's right. No one can do this for me. If someone could though, I'd be willing to pay a lot of money.

Photos from today:

Lemon square prior to breakfast (not pictured: the second one I ate, lol)

Noms breakfast

It's palindrome week!

Lunch: pepperoni pizza + banana (not pictured: another lemon square)

Grapes for a snack!

Nugget sleeping during our bike ride

After getting back from the bike ride

Smoked gouda + blueberries snack

Hello Fresh sesame beef tacos

Watermelon dessert

Today's calorie counts

And I'm off! Cheers, folks!

Calorie Tracking is a Bitch

So today I decided to track my calories. I had the most success with weight loss when I did that before, so I'm not going to reinvent the wheel. As I stated earlier, I'm not planning on cutting out any food groups in particular; I'm just going to try to eat smarter. I'm also working on moving a bit more. This is harder to do with a kiddo around, but I'm going to work on that too. 

This morning, my husband went to Colorado State University to figure out how to enroll in school now that we're here so I was left with the nugget. She has recently decided that 7:00 a.m. is a great time to wake up. Not a fan. She had some boob milk and we made our way downstairs at 8:00. She played while I got myself some breakfast going. 

Avocado English muffin + scrambled eggs (1 egg + 2 egg whites)

Probiotic juice to keep me regular ;-)

Trader Joe's pizza and a serving size of Caesar salad

Nuts

Cantaloupe

Chicken salad + crackers

HelloFresh baja barramundi + leftover Caesar salad

Then the nugget had some puréed peaches and we got her all dressed. She crashed for nap #1 around 10:15 and I showered and did some stuff I wanted to do (steam some green beans for her, buy a new nursing bra since I only have two and one's underwire made a break for freedom, etc). 

Reyah got up at 11:30ish, had lunch with Nasur - she's a fan of green beans like her mama! I had a bit unhealthier lunch than her, but it was noms. I also had to snack between breakfast and lunch because, duh. I'm always hungry.

After lunch, Nasur had to do some car stuff so the nugget and I hung out. She went down for another nap around 3:45 and so I got to make some lemon bars I've been wanting to make for some time now. I also fiddled around with my FitBit to finally get it to work. Nasur gave it to me for my birthday and it has been really finicky but now it's finally working!

Nasur made dinner while I kept the nugget entertained, but I snacked again between meals because I'm always hungry. I'm not sure if breastfeeding makes it worse, but I need food like every 1-3 hours.


Then we got to eat dinner. I'm pretty luck that the husband cooks because it's not for me. Baking requires less patience [if you use a box mix].

Then we opted to take the nugget out on her first bike trailer ride. Our timing probably wasn't excellent as she gets pretty fussy after dinner, but she tolerated it as best she could.

Before going out

During her ride

After, lol

We got home and she was a major fusspants so she had some boob milk and I put her down. She was mad about having to go to sleep, but settled in eventually. Then Nasur and I enjoyed our lemon bars.

It was a box mix - I'm only good at following directions

Only 100 calories!

So, now that the day is done, I can say that I did track every single thing that I ate and wow, I ate a lot.

My calorie range is 1700-2050 per day to allow for a 1.5 pound loss per week. This calculator doesn't include an option to indicate that you're breastfeeding. From what I have read, breastfeeding allows an extra 500 calories a day. So that's more of what I'm shooting for. We'll see how things go. 

Logging calories is a bitch, by the way. It'll get easier once I'm into it more, especially once I'm back to work and have a bit more structure to my day. Also, I did a weigh-in today. I'm thinking I'll try to do this once a week. We'll see.

Thanks for reading!