Coming Soon!

I absolutely positively promise that things are going well. It's just that we had three exams last week and three this week, so I've legit had no time to update. Buuuut, spring break starts Friday! So, I shall be updating soon!


Thanks for your patience, loyal followers/internet besties!

Gah

Well, life gets in the way of your goals sometimes. But, I did my best and I will do my best tomorrow.

Fat Tuesday

Oh, Fat Tuesday, how I adore thee. Not only is it socially acceptable for me to pig out major, it is expected. And as I hate to let anyone down, I usually stuff myself silly on Fat Tuesday. Then, however, I make amends with my body and detox for approximately 40 days (Lent is from February 22 to April 5 this year - so 46 days). Now, I don't mean to offend anyone who takes Lent way more seriously than I do (which isn't hard to do, all things considered), but I see Lent as a period to better yourself through sacrifice. So, this year I am giving up a few things.

First, I am giving up sleeping in and staying up late. Starting tomorrow, I will be getting up everyday (weekends included!) at 8:00 a.m. at the very latest and quitting the day around 11:00 p.m. so as to be asleep by midnight...ish.

Second, I am giving up gym-free days. The gym and I will be having a morning date everyday at 8:15 a.m.

Third, I am giving up binge eating. I add a lot of calories and misery to my life by eating way, way too much. This will force me to really think about what I'm putting in my body everyday.

Fourth, I am giving up seconds. I will eat one portion/one plate/one serving/one handful/one quantity of whatever. I'm looking at you, pizza - no more eating an entire pizza in one evening.

Fifth, I am giving up eating past 8:00 p.m. This is something I mostly adhere to, but I wanted to make it absolutely official.

Sixth, I am giving up naps. Though they are great, I use them to procrastinate on things I should really be doing (like studying). Also, by not napping, I won't screw up my sleep schedule.

Seventh, I am giving up studying at home. I am way, way more productive when I study at school. Thus, I plan on waking up, hitting the gym, showering, grabbing some food, and heading to school everyday (weekends included).

Eighth (and last), I am giving up desserts. I can't control my eating when I've had a lot of sweets, so it's time to end this love affair with granulated sugar, high fructose corn syrup, and butter. Le sigh.

So, here goes to 46 days of adjusting my lifestyle balls to the wall style.

That point in the day

You know that one point in the day where you realized that your day has absolutely been ruined and nothing that happens can change that? Well, if you're lucky, that doesn't happen until like 9:30 p.m. Today, that happened to me around 11:00 a.m.

Yup. Today sucked.

And I'm not even going to bother with that whole "it's a blessing to be alive" stuff because sometimes, things just suck.

My focus is shot. I should really be studying. But screw it. I'm going to go read for like two hours before I fall asleep. And then I'm going to get up way too freaking early to make up for being the epitome of unproductive tonight. 

And that, my friends, is the end of my pity party.

Must. Get. Sleep.

Too exhausted to post. Want proof? Here:

Please note the awesome bags under my eyes. Dragged my butt out of bed way too early this morning. Will post something snarky tomorrow. Cheers.

Breakfast candy and gym surprises

Let's talk about the elephant in the room today. Or, rather, the Saint in the room today. St. Valentine. Actually, let's skip the historical significance and just talk about what today's meant to celebrate: loved ones that you cherish. No, I'm not currently dating anyone. Yes, I think Valentine's Day is a good day because I think there's not enough love in this world. So despite some couples being nauseating, it'd be a good vomit fest...yup. That's how I feel about Valentine's Day. It's not a day to get depressed about not having a significant other - it's a day to be grateful for all of those who do love you. That being said, the highlight of my Valentine's day was my mom's e-mail where she told me she got some hand knitted mittens. Nothing says I love you more than warm hands ;-) [N.B. She's an elementary school teacher]


This morning, I slept in and started my Valentine's day off with breakfast candy: bacon. Noms.

Then I was surprised with a special treat at school: cupcakes! Note that I said cupcakes as in I ate two. Not the world's best decision, buuuuut, totes worth it because I only get dessert on special occasions and today was one of them.


I spent the rest of my day loving life in the laboratory/figuring out which shade of gray that part of the brain is supposed to be. Then, some friends and I went to grab some half-off sushi for dinner. Delicious!


After that, it was back to studying. I took a study break by heading to the gym since I skipped it this morning and am determined to be in great shape for this 10k. While I was there, I ran into four classmates - three of which were guys. When I first saw the guys, I was sweating on the elliptical. Then it was time for my upper body workout. At this point, I moseyed over to the weight area and then went to say hi. The guys were surprised and somewhat impressed by the fact that I was one of two women in the weight area doing some lifting. They were doing chest presses. We chatted for a bit and they told me that they were going to sign up to run the 25k the day I will be running my 10k. They tried to encourage me to switch from my 10k to the 25k, but I'm not crazy: 6 miles versus 15? Uh, no thanks. They also told me that I should start working out at nights rather than the morning because they always go at this time. First of all, I was pretty shocked. I don't talk to them much at school (mostly because I don't go to class anymore)  and I was also shocked that they were impressed with my "athletic abilities." I mean, I'm not an athlete by any means, so the fact that they were so encouraging was nice, to say the least. It was also nice that instead of them wondering what I was doing there, they immediately accepted me as someone who (despite being overweight) seemed to belong there. Weird.


That being said, I'm definitely not changing up my routine and going at nights on a regular basis. It took a lot of effort to get myself to go to the gym that late at night and I know myself well enough to know that I won't be able to do that everyday. 


Hope your Valentine's day was great!

Legs and Thursday

This post is going to focus on two things: legs and Thursdays (hence the clever post title).

Yesterday, I decided to do some strength training for my lower body. I repeated some exercises that Mark showed me last year: lunges, step-ups, squats, and a few machines. So today, my quads were feeling it. This is a good thing and a bad thing. Good because it means I got a legit leg workout yesterday. Bad because today was supposed to be my first day of my 10k training - an "easy" two mile run. And running while your quads hurt? Um, not going to be fun. So, there it was: an excuse in the making. But, rather than use it, I decided I'd go running anyway. Now allow me to remind you of a minor detail: I can't even remember the last time I ran two miles. Before I took two weeks off to let my shin splints heal, I was able to run a little over a mile without stopping - and that was hard. But today's two miles weren't bad at all. It's probably because, according to my training schedule, I was supposed to run at an easy 4.5mph pace (meaning it would take me 13:20 to run one mile). As I'm used to pushing myself to do at least 5.0mph, this made my two miles seem relatively easy. Don't get me wrong - it was still hard, but I'm feeling slightly more optimistic about my training now that I realize I really can do it - even on days following a tough leg workout.

Bam. Subject change.

So Thursdays are the worst day of the week for me. Eating-wise and exhaustion-wise. By Thursdays, I'm really dragging. I have an exam pretty much every Monday of the semester and usually one on Friday. So I spend my entire weekend cramming for my Monday exam. And then I somehow study for my Friday exam during the week. By the time Thursday rolls around, I want to do anything but study. So, I procrastineat. [See what I did there? So tricksy!] I eat to procrastinate further studying. I bet if you could measure my caloric intake for the week, you'd see it skyrocket on Thursday nights. So, that's what I'm going to work on this week. I'm going to try my very best to keep Thursday's insanity to a minimum. I'll let you know how it goes - don't worry.

Anywho, I'm off to study/go to sleep. I'm beyond exhausted from the lack of sleep I got last night and Saturday night. So though I know I should be studying, I think I may hit the hay early so I won't be dragging tomorrow.

Here are the food pics for the day:

The nicest thing you can do for yourself on an exam day: eat breakfast 

Taco lunch

Dinner and snacks to go: jambalaya, graphs, yogurt, and protein bar

A real plan

I've made the executive decision that I can do this. What is "this," you ask? Well, "this" is essentially my plan for a better me. I know, I know. I made a plan for a better me last week. But here's the thing: I didn't commit to it. I didn't have a plan. I mean, I kind of did. But it wasn't a good plan. It wasn't a concrete plan. So, that makes slacking off a lot easier. I also didn't prepare myself mentally. I'm sure you think that doesn't make a big difference. But, for me, I have to mentally prepare myself for what I want to accomplish. You know the saying "set your mind to it." That's what I had to do. Now that my mind's set, I made a concrete plan with concrete dates. And that's why I'm going to be able to do "this" this time around.


Last night, I printed off my training schedule for my 10k. On the days where I'm not running, I will still be going to the gym and doing some strength training. Here is my calendar that I'm using.

The days in green are training days. The days in pink are the days where I do my strength training or rest. Tomorrow I'm slated for an "easy run." I don't know what kind of crack the person who thought a two mile run was smoking, but I'm sure I'll huff and puff through the entire thing.


As for the rest of "this," I am only going to have desserts when there's a special occasion (and not make every day I want dessert a special occasion). I'm also going to not go back for seconds. Yay portion control!


Anywho, I have an exam tomorrow covering the male and female reproductive system. I spent about 7 hours at school studying and probably have another 2-3 ahead of me. So, I shall leave you with some pics of the food I ate at home. I didn't take pics of the food I took to school - my bad.

Chocolate protein shake post-lower body workout

Tacos for lunch!

Snack

Skinny bitches

I've wanted to write about this before, but never had the balls to do it. Now before you worry that I'm doing medical experiments on myself and now magically have balls, allow me to assure you that I am talking about metaphorical balls. Which, by the way, I'm not entirely sure why "having balls" makes you so strong. Really, it should be that you've never had the boobs to do it. Because, seriously, women are way tougher than men (and women are the ones with boobs - trust me, I'm going to be a doctor). I digress.


Today, I'm going to talk about skinny bitches. Now before you say to yourself, "But I'm skinny. Does she think I'm a bitch?" No. "Seriously?" Suuuuure. "Not even in secret?" In secret? Okay, yes. Yes. A thousand times yes.


Just kidding.


Mostly, I'm talking about myself...again. It is my blog after all. A lot of this is going to seem harsh, like I'm stereotyping, and like I'm the one who's a bitch. And that's probably because it is harsh, I am stereotyping, and I am a bitch. So, here we go!


I am sick and tired of women talking about how they wish they could lose 3 pounds. Or how they wish they could look like a super model. Or how they wish they could fit into a size zero. Whenever I hear things like this, I roll my eyes, and think about how shallow these women are. I think about how looking at them makes me feel like a fat ass. I think about how if I could just be their size, I'd be so, so happy and probably would feel like a super model. I think about how I'm so self conscious about eating around them. I think about how pathetic I feel when the skinny bitch who's having dinner with me stops eating three bites in (because "she's full") and I'm struggling to stop myself from eating all of my dinner and her dinner. I think about how I want to be able to go shopping at any store I see and fit into all of the clothes. I think about how free they must feel because they don't spend half their day thinking about food. I think about how many men would prefer to be around them over me, simply due to appearance. I think about how much happier I would be if losing 3 pounds was all I had to lose to be happy. And I think about how gross I feel for being so big. It's exhausting thinking all these things.


And it feels as though, when skinny bitches around me say things like this, that they're judging me. Like they think I'm some fat, lazy slob who can't help herself. Like I'm someone to be pitied. Like I'm not as good as them.


Now, I have no way of knowing what they're thinking or feeling. I doubt they even think anything about me, but sometimes I feel so insecure just because of the mere presence of a girl who is significantly skinner and prettier than me (a.k.a is a skinny bitch). It's pathetic. It's silly. It's probably not natural. And it's what I do every time I'm around one of them. I can't help it.


And yes, I'm aware that it's jealousy. I'm aware that I want to have what they have. I'm aware that I would switch bodies with them in a heartbeat if it were an option. I'm aware that they have what I can't seem to get.


I'm also aware that for me, being skinny is associated with being healthy. With being able to climb three flights of stairs without being winded. With being able to wear whatever the hell I want. With being able to look down at the scale and see a 1 as the first number, instead of a 2. With being happy eating just one serving of dessert. With enjoying going to the gym. With not freaking out about going out and being perceived as attractive.


And then I realize that perhaps the skinny bitches aren't the shallow ones. Perhaps it's me.

Thinking thoughts

I really need to think my decisions through. No dessert this week? Not a good idea. Why? Because I had two group dinners during which desserts were a prominent part of the meal. And I know it sounds like an excuse, but it really would have been rude to refuse. So - poor me - I choked down a cupcake and brownie one night and a peanut butter bar the other. More on this later.


Subject change!


One of the things that both medical school and my attempts to get into shape have taught me: getting started is the hardest part. For example, I never really want to go to the gym. But once I get there and I'm running or on the elliptical or lifting or whatever, it's never as bad as I make myself think it's going to be. In fact, I kind of like it. But for me, getting there is 100% of the battle. Once I'm there? No problem. Getting there? Huge problem.


So how am I solving the problem? Going to the gym first thing in the morning. I haven't showered yet, so I can't use the "I don't want to shower twice in one day" excuse. I haven't eaten yet, so I can't use the "I need some time for my stomach to settle" excuse. I haven't begun to process real thoughts yet, so I can't use the "I have X, Y, and Z to do" excuse.


Now, medical school. This semester is shaping up to be even more study-intensive than last semester. I didn't even think that was possible, but it is. And it's so so hard to get myself to sit down and do it. Again, once I start studying, it's not nearly as challenging as I make myself think it's going to be. I'm not going to say I like it, but I don't mind it if I really can get into the groove. Once I'm going? No problem. Getting started? Huge problem


So how am I solving this problem? Going to school to study. Last week, I tried going to the library. It was effective, but school is better. At school, there is a refrigerator where we can store our food. At school, I don't have to worry about people stealing my stuff because there are security cameras everywhere. At school, I can take a break and find a sympathetic ear to chat with. So, it makes more sense to go there. I am so much more productive when I'm surrounded by people doing the exact same thing as me. But, it's hard to get myself to go to school. Today I almost didn't go, telling myself I could be as productive at home. But I knew I was lying to myself. The other good thing about going to school is that I get in a teeny tiny bit of exercise since I bike there and back.


And back to the first subject...ish


So I'm making some good changes in parts of my life. I'm working on making even more good changes, but I think slow and steady wins the race. That being said, I've decided to start my official training for my 10k next week. I have also decided to use a training schedule generated by some random program. I think that by having some days for cross training and weight training built in instead of doing that on top of running everyday will be a great idea for me. Plus, there are built in rest days. Who can say no to a legit day when you don't have to go to the gym? No one - that's who.


Dessert. Okay, so giving that up is not happening this week. Especially after finding this recipe. These things are insanely easy to make and they're not even that bad for you. There are no eggs, no butter, no flour, no sugar (well, unless you count maple sugar), and they legit taste good. I happened to have all the ingredients on hand this evening and made a batch. I'll take some to school tomorrow and save a small plate for myself. But I think instead of completely saying no to dessert, I will allow for these and sherbet. At least for a little while - small changes first, I think.


And now for what all you visual people have been waiting for: food porn my food pictures from today:

Lunch (brought to you by the color yellow? Idk why this turned out so yellow)

Snack before dinner (so I wouldn't overeat at dinner)

A few future dinners

Tonight's dinner: jambalaya

Oaties

Thanks for reading through these random thoughts!

Day one...

I feel as though day one is either the easiest or the hardest. Today was strangely inbetween. I woke up feeling as though I had a sugar hangover. That could have been because I ate a crap ton of sugar at the super bowl party I went to yesterday. I've never had my stomach hurt so badly the morning after. So I scrapped the gym, slept in a bit later, and then finally went to class where we got to meet a heart transplant recipient. He was amazing. I guess it takes a near-death experience to really make you change the way you're living your life. 


Anywho, after class, I came home and majorly cleaned my apartment. Dusted, vacuumed, mopped - the whole nine yards. I was hosting family dinner so I thought it would be best if my apartment didn't look like it usually does.


Then it was time to pick up my invisalign. Getting braces is definitely a blessing in disguise. First of all, I'm sure it will be nice to have straight(ish) teeth. Second of all, it will be nice to have more than four teeth that touch when I bite done. But most importantly, I have to take out the retainer things to eat. That means that my mindless snacking won't be so mindless anymore. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. 


Anyway, I'm going to go work on making some calendars and to-do lists for this week. Gotta keep on top of myself. Bring it on, day two.

Planning for a better me

Yesterday, I admitted to some not-so-awesome things. And tomorrow I'm going to stop having not-so-awesome things to admit to. So, what's the plan? Welp, it includes giving up dessert, weighing in everyday, and going to the gym at least five times a week. I know this seems extreme, but if I only hold myself to wishy-washy standards (like "I'll go to the gym sometime" and "I won't eat that much"), it never really works out. I'm also going to work on being more productive during the day so I stop panic/stress/emotional eating when I'm trying to procrastinate. So, my plan is to wake up between 8 and 9 a.m. everyday, hitting the gym right away, streaming lectures, and using the rest of the day to study my butt off. I plan to be in bed by midnight. Some days this won't be realistic, but I am going to do my best.


Sooo, here we go. Again. It's time to get serious, folks. I have a lot of [newly-added] weight to lose!

Laying it all out there

So let's just get it all out there. Thursday after my exam, I didn't do anything (it went absolutely fine, by the way - I don't have my score yet, but I think I did well). I sat around reading a book for pleasure, showered, conducted a student interview, went to lab, went to meijer, read some more, attempted to nap, got up and got dressed. Then I got really drunk and went out to a comedy show with a majority of my med school class. After the show, I got to walk my drunk ass home around 11:00 p.m. because I was waaay beyond my limit. And when I'm that intoxicated, it's just not fun. I feel terrible and don't want to be a mess around everyone (note: I did not vomit. I just wanted to go home and sleep).


On Friday, I slept in as late as I could, got up, showered, had a class at noon and sat through a required debt management session (which makes total sense to have that required during your second semester of medical school...). Then I came home, ran to the health department to have my TB test checked (no TB for me!) and began making cake balls. 


What are cake balls, you ask? Heaven in dessert form. You bake a cake, mash it up with an entire can of frosting and then dip it in chocolate. Amazing for your mouth? Duh. Amazing for your weight loss? Not so much. It's made worse when, while making the cake, you eat an obscene amount of batter. It's made worse when the cake is done and you eat a few pieces. It's made worse when you eat a few spoonfuls of frosting even though you don't even like it. It's made worse when you eat more than a few of the finished product. It's made worse when pretty much your entire week's month's sugar quota has been filled in one day. And it's made worse when you feel disgusting, like you're an idiot, and you still keep eating.


So, last night, I finished one batch of cake balls. This morning, I woke up confident that I wouldn't be such a disgusting person. But then the cake balls were simply sitting on the counter waiting for me to eat more of them. So I did. Then I finished dipping the second batch in chocolate and ate a few of those. Then I sat back and realized I needed to get out. I needed to be somewhere else because the day was going to be exactly the same as yesterday: unproductive, fattening, and hurtful in too many ways.


I finished up the cake balls, put them in bags, put them in a corner where I wouldn't have to see them until I was serving them, and packed up my things and headed home. I called my mom to let her know I was on my way and simply said "I need to get out of Grand Rapids." She didn't question me. She just told me to drive safe.


On my ride home, I tried to stay positive. I caught up with a few friends on the phone and was glad to be headed somewhere else.


My mom welcomed me with open arms and though I think she wanted to know my reason for coming home, I didn't want to tell her because it's so embarrassing. Who wants to admit that despite knowing how seriously bad obesity is for every single part of your health, you still gorge yourself? Who wants to admit that despite having a weight loss blog, you managed to gain 4 pounds in a week? Who wants to admit that despite blogging about how you're going to stop doing this to yourself, you do it again? Ughs.


But there you have it, my friends. I've got to do better. And I have a plan. Check back tomorrow.

Ughs.

Today I gorged myself so successfully that I feel sick to my stomach. Thank goodness tomorrow is a new day. Although I was ready for this day to be over about 12 hours ago...

Beginnings

I have a hard time starting things. This isn't news to many of you. But today was especially difficult. I seriously think there is something wrong with me/my brain/my very being. Sooo, let's rewind, shall we? Okay!


This morning I had to get up nice and early for a TB test. And by nice and early, I mean my appointment was at 10:45 and I planned go hit the gym beforehand, so I needed to be up by 8. Um, guess I didn't set my alarm, so I didn't get up until 9:50. Whoops...


Aaaaanywho, I went and got my test done and surprise! They let me do my last HepB sequence which means I've finally finished all my immunizations for med school (let's ignore the fact that I've been in med school since August...). However, I'm going to have quite a few to get before Africa (which will probably push me further into debt...ughs). I digress. On my way back home, I got really tired. Like really, really tired. I wanted to go to bed immediately. But I had a lot of shit I needed to do today. So, I struggled through about an hour's worth of work before I decided to try to nap. But instead of being able to sleep, I had this nagging voice in my head telling me I was being useless and that I should be studying, so I got up and slogged through some clinical skills stuff. Then it was off to two hours of class where we got to examine each other again. Today's additions were nose, throat, and back/lungs. Nothing too exciting.


When I got home, I really didn't want to study. Though I was wide awake, I couldn't do it. I have an exam tomorrow - one that's supposedly going to make me weep for days on end due to its difficulty - and I don't care. I mean, obviously I care, but I couldn't make myself do anything. So, I ate a bit instead. Then I sat around thinking of all that I needed to do, but really didn't want to do. So I ate some more. That just pissed me off. I don't need to be doing that. So eventually I stopped and settled down to do the practice problems. And they weren't even hard. Uh, I thought they were going to give us fake exam problems. I guess they're just going to spring the surprise on us tomorrow. Bastards.


I don't know what's wrong with me. Sometimes I get so paralyzed with fear about everything that I need to accomplish that I can't do anything. It's terrible. I will sit there, knowing that wasting time is only going to make it worse and yet I can't start. Then I end up staying up late scrambling to finish and end up getting less sleep than I should. It's not good. And it's gotten so bad that if I start thinking about it, breathing gets difficult. My nerves are frayed. My heart rate soars. I need to get away, but I have nowhere to go. So then I just end up wanting to cry. But I know that's even less productive than sitting doing nothing. And then somehow, I start and it's not nearly as bad as I think it's going to be. And I'm pissed at myself for letting it get that far. Yup. Lots of fun. Thanks, brain!


And to top it all of, the exam tomorrow is at 7:30. In the morning. As in before the sun is up. As in before people with real jobs have to be at work. As in before I should be awake. As in I'm probably going to fall asleep during the exam. Great.


Okay. I promise I'm done complaining. Mostly cuz I'm done with this post and am pushing "publish" before I read it again and decide to not post it so no one knows how seriously crazy I am.