Getting by with a little help from my friends

Today was another one of those days where I really didn't want to study. Like offer-up-my-first-born-in-return-for-never-having-to-study-again kind of day. So I packed up my stuff and went to the library. But I accidentally left my headphones at home. Not good. I can usually only focus if it's silent or I've got music in the background (drowning out the rest of the noise). The silence was not working - man, that library was loud. So, after a half hour, I called it quits, packed up, and went home. There, I struggled with making myself do any work. Obviously, I got things done, but not nearly as many as I could have had I been in a productive mood. Perhaps I used up all of my productivity yesterday.


When I started getting really down on myself about my inability to work, I decided to commiserate with some friends. I had a lovely video chat with Anna, followed by one with Adam. It feels so good to be able to smile and put things in perspective - even if it is just for a little bit. Also talking to my mom on the phone helped. She reminded me how many people want to be in medical school. And really, I should count myself as lucky for being here. It's just so hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel sometimes when it's feels like it's eons away.


Anywho, just a short post to let you guys know that I'm still alive and that, in spite of feeling badly about myself, I didn't binge eat and I went to the gym this morning. So, really, it could have been worse.


Some pics of today's meals for you:

Lunch/feast #1 of the day 

Dinner/feast #2 of the day

So much responsibility

I am one of those people who, right after lunch, wants to take a nap. It's super inconvenient. That is prime studying time, prime mess-up-your-sleep-pattern time and prime stalk-people-on-facebook time. So, rather than miss out on all of these opportunities, I packed up my stuff and headed to the public library on the other side(ish) of town. The drive took quite a while, but I was willing to make it because it was the only branch of the library open on Mondays that had free parking. However, on the way there, I literally had to fight myself from turning around to go back to bed. I was so tired and I just didn't think I'd get any real productive studying done. But, once there, I told myself that if I was still exhausted, I'd go home.

I got about 3.5 hours of legit studying done and then headed home because I'd forgotten my calculator. Doing statistics without a calculator? Um, it's impossible. On my way home, I realized I was on the same side of town as Marie Catrib's, a local, organic/vegan/vegetarian/carnivore deli/restaurant. As I love their food, I decided to stop and grab some dinner because despite my rather large lunch and snack two hours beforehand, I was still starving. I also got some baba ganoush. And because I didn't have any pita (which, by the way, I pronounce the British way: pit-uh - none of this pee-tuh stuff from me), I stopped at Martha's Vineyard (another local healthy eats store) and picked up some pita and a peanut butter bar. Here's some pics of my goodies.

Tofu sandwich!

Baba ganoush - it will probs look similar on the way out ;-)

Pita!

Peanut butter bar

Now, before you start thinking to yourself that I waaaay overdid it - this all cost me a little less than $20 - I want to tell you about how awesome I am. First of all, I only ate half of the sandwich for dinner. I figured since I would be eating pita and baba ganoush, I didn't need to eat the whole sandwich. So, I get two delicious meals with the sandwich. Woot! And I'm sure the baba ganoush will last for quite a while - though I didn't buy much (like 0.34 pounds). Aaaand, because I decided to be super responsible, I cut up the peanut butter bar into fourths and have decided to eat one piece everyday rather than eat the entire thing in one sitting (which is child's play for me).

Four days of deliciousness? If you insist!

So, this is what dinner actually ended up looking like:

Noms galore

I'm pretty pumped that I didn't just inhale all of that food. Aaaand, I studied this afternoon instead of napping. Aaaand I went to the gym this morning and did some cardio and lower body strength training. Aaaand you can see pics of my protein shake and lunch from today. So much success!

But, since I'm still exhausted, I'm going to stop studying around 10 and hit the hay. Oh, and my exam this morning? Piece of cake. Pwhew!

Taking a step in a positive direction

When things get rough, instead of believing that I can do whatever I set my mind to, I usually begin to beat myself up. For example, during an exam, if I feel as though I'm not doing as well as I want, I'll call myself an idiot for not studying more. I'll berate myself for being a slacker. I'll tell myself I'm too dumb to be a doctor. I beat myself up during a run too. I will tell myself that I'm too fat to run. I'll tell myself that there's no way I will be able to make it to the end of the my time.  I'll wish that I hadn't even started running so that no one can watch me as I stop way earlier than necessary - and completely out of breath. Then if I'm binging on food, I'll tell myself that I don't deserve to be healthy. That I'm already fat, so it's not as though it could get worse if I ate more. That I'm not worth it the hard work.

Sounds fun, eh? Well, it's really not. And the thing is that if someone ever spoke to me like that, I would never talk to them again. I would never consider them my friend and I definitely would never go to them for support. So I'm working really hard to stop. And I'm working on replacing those thoughts with positive thoughts. So today when I didn't get my butt to the gym, I decided not to beat myself up for it. It was snowing really hard and we got so much snow last night that with an exam tomorrow, I figured I would spend some time with the books and not go out today. And the good things is that I got to ice my shins today so they should be good to go in a week or so. 

Bailey loving watching the snow

Today I also got to make some pancakes - woo hoo! That was the only real meal I had today though. I just want very hungry. I know - I'm totally shocked, too. It could also be because I ate four pancakes...

I always eat my pancakes with chocolate

Look how yummy it is!

Fruit for the day

And here was my dinner...ish:

I was craving this all day.

Welp, time to hit the hay so that I can pass my exam tomorrow! And then start studying for the one that's on Thursday...gross.

Late night resolutions

You know how before you go to bed, you have all this resolve to do better the next day? Like you're laying there in bed saying to yourself, "Tomorrow I will run for 1000 miles and then I'll conquer all of my epidemiology." Blah, blah, blah. I feel as though I do that almost everyday and then when the next day wraps up, I look at myself and say something along the lines of, "Welp, that didn't go according to plan. Meh."


Last night I told myself I was going to wake up at 8 a.m., hit the gym, study forever, and then go to bed. Well, I got out of bed at 10:30, skipped the gym, and studied for mostly forever. There's still more to do, of course. But I'm not that upset about it. I needed a rest day for my shins and it's really not necessary to beat myself up for not going to the gym every single day. In fact, it's pretty crazy to assume that I could get to the gym everyday. So, I'm fine with my decision to study instead of work out. I'll go tomorrow. The world won't end. At least that's what I'm telling myself to combat the guilty feeling I have.


When I finally got out of bed this morning, I made myself an awesome plate o' eggs and fruit. It legit hit the spot. I also made some green tea with rice milk. Love starting the day off right!

And before you offer the comment, I am aware that I need to change my tablecloth. But I don't have another one to replace it with and as I'm trying to save money, I'm just going to use my holiday one. This is a judgement-free zone, folks! ;-)


About two hours after this meal, I was still starving. I'm guessing it's because I was using so much brain power. So I fueled up with some protein, hoping it would keep me fuller for a bit longer.

Yup. Very interesting, eh? That's pretty much how the rest of the day went. So, instead of me narrating each part of my exceedingly dull day, let me say it went mostly like this: I studied, then I ate. Then I studied some more. Then I ate some more. Lather, rinse, repeat. Here's my food for the rest of the day:

Lunch (minus the apple - wasn't feeling it after I ate everything else)

1 oz of almonds for an afternoon protein shot

Another afternoon snack

Dinner

Study beverage

Evening snack eaten with salsa

Cheers! Come on back tomorrow when I hopefully have something more interesting to report (though I seriously doubt it...).

What a crazy Friday night

So remember when I said I wasn't too worried about catching up with lectures that I'd missed so far? Um, yeah. I probably should have been worried. Silly little me thought I was four lectures behind. No, friends. I was seven lectures behind. So what did my Friday night consist of? Watching 3 physiology lectures, 2 immunology lectures, and shortly I'll be rounding off my night with 2 epidemiology lectures. Thank the Lord for double-speed streaming. Seriously - 7 hours compressed into 3.5? I'll take it!


Anyway, today was a pretty great day despite having to be up to take an exam before even the sun could rise. The exam went fine - though I must say it is not cool when the practice exam posted is waaaaaay easier than the actual exam. Luring me into a false sense of security = mild panic come exam-taking time.


After the exam, I went back to sleep. Perhaps I could have done something more useful with that time, but after a mere 4 hours of unconsciousness, more was definitely necessary. When I got up, I quickly showered and grabbed a bowl of strawberries before my Skype date with my partner for our long-term patient care experience (LPCE). We quickly reviewed what we would be talking about with our patient later in the afternoon and then I settled into watch me some Liz Lemon on 30 Rock while eating lunch. I relate to her on so many levels.

Noms

Then I went to pick up my partner and we met our patient. I can't say much (yay confidentiality), but I am so, so, so glad this is a required project. I'm not trying to be sarcastic - I'm being serious. We spend so much time with our noses in our books/coursepacks that it's nice to get out and see real patients. Obviously, we're not giving out medical advice, but we're learning a bit about what the lives of our patients with chronic illnesses would be like. It helps put things into perspective again. So on the days when it seems so monotonous and so totally not worth it, I can remember how much I love seeing the patients.


After spending about two hours with our patient, we headed back into town. I dropped off my partner and then headed home. I decided to do some researching about a store called gazelle sports. Though it's only been about a month since I started running again, my shin splints are causing me some major pain. So, after a recommendation from a friend of mine, I decided to head over there to look into having my gait analyzed and buy a new pair of shoes. I spent about an hour with a sales associate and she talked to me about everything my feet were doing while I was running. She measured my feet, watched me walk and run, and then brought me a lot of shoes to try on. I have really fat feet, so I was thrilled they actually had things in stock for me to try on. At the end of the hour, I took home these babies:

I also took home some good advice - they really know all about training there. I told them about how I was training for a 10k and was having some shin splints. They recommended a week off from running (but I can still do the low-impact stuff like the elliptical and strength training) and some icing/massaging techniques to help head off my shin splints. I also learned that they have a free running clinic every Monday and Thursday there. They spend time teaching people the proper form. Though I don't see myself having a whole lot of time to do this, I really think I might check out a few sessions and see what I can learn.


Anywho, after I got home, I made some spinach tortellini for dinner and had some kids yogurt (I really wanted to try the flavor - hush!)

Also, I love, love, love this article my friend Matt posted on his facebook today: so true!


And now: epidemiology. Oof.

Epiphanies and passports

While I was at the gym this morning, two major epiphanies hit me. Ka-ZOW! Ka-ZOW! (Yes, internet friends, that is the noise of the two epiphanies hitting me - don't worry, it didn't hurt) And since it's your lucky day, I'm going to share them with you! Applaud if you'd like.

Epiphany #1: Running is freaking hard. Okay, maybe if you're in shape, it's not so much. But as I am not someone that I would qualify as "in shape," I am going to go ahead and say it's hard. Today I ran for 14 minutes at 5.0 mph. Yes, I am fully aware that 14 minutes is not very long. But, it was hard. And today I tried something new: running without my iPod. Why? Because I use the songs as a type of countdown and it actually makes time pass slower - or so I think. So, I made it 4.5 minutes before I put my headphones in because two really obnoxious women got on the treadmills next to me and started talking loudly about some trashy "friend" of theirs who was pregnant again by a third baby daddy. I'm trying to get in the zone, ladies. You, are taking me out of it. Not cool. Anywho, once I put my headphones in and started listening to music, I was really struggling to finish my run. And then my subconscious kicked in and informed me that I couldn't do it. That I was fat and fat people don't run. That it wasn't worth it. That the 10k registration was a terrible idea. Gah. Damn subconscious. Does anyone else's head go straight to like the worst things ever? Well, I realized I was doing it (and by doing it, I mean I realized I was beating myself up). So, I stopped. I tried to think positive thoughts. Like what, you ask? Well, I told myself I could do it. That it was awesome that I was going to run 6.2 miles for fun. That running is freaking hard and that it's going to suck at the beginning. But last semester, I could run for 40 minutes straight without a problem and I can do it again if I want to. So that, my friends, was epiphany number one.

Epiphany #2: Going to the gym is terrifying...ish. After I was done running and spent 5 minutes cooling down (which was legit necessary), I did about half an hour on the elliptical. When I was choosing my elliptical, I saw a slightly overweight young man about my age on the elliptical as well. Except he seemed to be having trouble figuring out how to program the thing. First of all, this is no laughing matter: gym equipment is legit hard to figure out. How do you know what program you should follow? How much resistance should you add? What does that button do? Seriously, folks. It's complicated. Fortunately, I've had a few gym-competent people in my life show me how to use most of the equipment. Anyway, in my head, there was a string of thoughts going down. It went something like this: he probably needs help. You should help him. Then maybe you can ask him if he wants to work out with you and you can show him more equipment. Then maybe you can both lose weight and build muscle. And then maybe he will like you and see how cool you are. And then you can date someone! Then I simply chose an elliptical on the opposite side of him and let him figure it out. "Wait! What?" You ask. "This was your future husband!" Well, let me explain. I don't know if he would have wanted help. Sometimes it's embarrassing to know that people are watching you at the gym (like yesterday when I was doing triceps and had to stick out my ass and chest - it's the proper form! - and some old man literally stood there watching me). Also it's also embarrassing to admit to a total stranger that you don't know what you're doing. So, I didn't help. I don't even know if I regret it. But, I would love to have a non-med school friend to go to the gym with. Maybe next time? We'll see. I should start talking to people at the gym - it might make me want to go more. Ha. Doubt it. You could put cheesecake at the gym and I still probably wouldn't want to go.

Anywho, I spent the rest of the day studying immunology. That exam is tomorrow. So, that should be tons of fun. It's not too bad - I think I'll do just fine, but I'm burnt out for sure.

But, I have a little photographic gift for you! I mentioned that my new passport came on Saturday. Well, today my old one was returned to me (in the mail). So, let's compare the pictures! Keep in mind that I got my first passport when I was 13 or 14 and was going to go to Australia and New Zealand as part of a student ambassador program. This means I was in 8th grade when this photo was taken. In middle school, I already weighed over 200 pounds. I'm not sure if I weigh less now than I did then, but the photos make me think that I do. Anyway, here you go:

8th grade (Sometime in the year 2000)

December 2011

Remember, folks, you can't smile in a passport photo, so don't judge too harshly on that second one.

Anyway, today I also photographed every single thing I ate. Usually if I take a snack to school, I forget to take a picture, but today I did all my eating at home, so that wasn't an issue. I'm not sure why I think you'd be interested in this, but here it is regardless of your interest!

Brunch? It was 11 a.m. and I was starving after the gym

Snack around 1

Out of its packaging

Meal #2 at 3:00 p.m.

Meal #2 included some yogurt

I'm not sure why it's necessary to include the seeds...

4:00ish snack

6:45 dinner (it's some leftover pork from a while ago on a bagel since I don't have bread...)

Dessert

Anywho, it's back to the books for me. Blech.

Share some epiphanies with me if you're also procrastinating, please!

I shall abbreviate ALL the things!

The beautiful thing about this morning is that I didn't set an alarm. That means I slept until 10:05 a.m. That also means that I didn't get much studying done this morning. Um, oops? It also means I'm approximately 4 hours behind in lecture. But I don't care. I know I will catch up, so I'm not too worried. What I am worried about is this exam on Friday. I've never taken immunology before so though it's very interesting, it's a lot to someone who's never seen any of it before. And holy cow, there are a lot of abbreviations. I'm pretty sure we're introduced to at least 7 different abbreviations per page of notes. Here, allow me to show you a snippet:

Good grief.


Anywho, I am slowly working on increasing my time running. Everyday, I add a minute. This way, by February 17, I'll be running a 5k. From that point, I'll take it a tad slower until I hit 6.2 miles and am ready to run my 10k. If I run the whole thing at 5.0 mph, It will take me an hour and 12 minutes. I'm hoping I will be able to go a tad faster than that during the real thing, but I think I'm going to set that as my goal: I want to run my entire 10k without stopping in under 1 hour and 12 minutes. Putting this in writing may have been a terrible idea...


After the gym (in addition to running, I did some upper body strength training), I showered up, took care of some tasks that needed to be done, and had a yummy protein shake and lunch.

Chocolate raspberry protein shake

Lunch!

Then I headed to school for three intensely boring hours of patient education video review. Last week we had to educate fake patients on some kind of medical instrument or task. I was assigned to teach a patient about how to follow a low sodium diet. Then we had to watch each other's presentations and give feedback. Yawn. Mostly I spent the three hours on my phone sending out e-mails that I needed to send out.


After class, I headed back home and had a snack (though I also snacked during class):

This snack didn't hold me that long. I was able to get about an hour of studying in before I desperately wanted dinner. I may also have been overly anxious for dinner because I was going to make my own pizza...again. But this time, I bought pizza dough so I'd legit be making all of it...ish. So, I got the dough ready, topped the thing, and voilà! A delicious chicken and veggie pizza!

Pizza dough after it'd been defrosted and brought to room temp

Final product!

Delicious!

So, making your own pizza = way faster than getting delivery. Also, it's considerably cheaper. The pizza dough was the most expensive part and it was $1.50. I have just been using pre-made pizza crust the last few times I've made pizza (which is around $4), but this was way better! A special shout out to my mom for telling me where to find it. This is definitely going to be how I enjoy pizza while I try to save money for my trip to Uganda.

Hmm, what else to tell you? Oh, I weighed in this morning. Yup, we're going to leave it at that. No picture for you. Mostly cuz I don't want you to know and I didn't take one so you can't even try to hack my computer and find one. Nope. Doesn't exist. Ha. Maybe I'll post one next week. That being said, I really really want to be under 200 pounds by the time I go to Uganda. Though I'm sure their twice daily meals of mush will help me lose weight, I want to be able to fit comfortably in the seats on the flights I've booked as I'll be spending about 24 hours on a plane. Also, it will be nice to have to run a 10k if I weigh less. Ya know, less weight to take with me.

La la la. I'm procrastinating on studying. Can you tell? I guess I can also show you the picture of my dessert as I ignore immunology.

Rainbow sherbet - this never photographs well

Alright, I'm fresh out of thoughts to share. Catch you crazy kids later. Think of me learning about cytotoxic T cells while you do something fun (read: anything besides immunology).

Teeth and travels

I didn't think today was going to be a good day, but it turned out to be a great one!


I had an orthodontist appointment this morning and as I was walking out to my car this morning, I slipped, fell on the ice, and had my breakfast bagel thrown into the sky. One half landed face up and one landed face down. I didn't have time to go make another nor am I spending money on fast (or delivered) food this semester, so I told myself that it wasn't there nearly long enough to be super disgusting. I picked it up, picked myself up, brushed off my now aching ass and headed to my appointment while eating my bagel. My appointment was fine. We talked about my invisalign and I paid a buttload of money to get the process started. He said it's going to take about a year and a half to two years for everything to straighten out my teeth and get rid of my cross bite. Sounds good to me. I didn't even know cross bites were so terrible until every person who looked in my mouth while I was biting down freaked out. I also never knew my top and bottom teeth didn't align in the center at the front of my mouth. That's bad too. Good to know. Learned a lot...


Moving on.


Today when I went to the gym and ran for a whopping 12 minutes (in addition to doing some time on the elliptical). I decided to increase my speed to a comfortable 5.0mph. Before I stopped running in November, I was going at about 5.3mph just fine so I figured 5.0 would be no problem. I was so, so wrong. I was huffing and puffing by the end of those 12 minutes. Gah. Good thing I still have 108 days until my 10k!


The most exciting news of the day came when I got home from the gym and found out I was accepted as a medical intern in Uganda this summer! Woo hoo! I was so, so excited. I have been calling my mom every time I get an update about my applicant status, so I'm sure she was glad to hear that I'd gotten in (I've probably called her at least a dozen times in the past two days). After I heard that I got in, I had to set my dates. Though I wanted to commit to six weeks, my summer vacation is just a tad over seven weeks, so I am going to go for five weeks. I figured I'd need some time to pack and then some time to chill out a bit (and go roller blading) before school started agagin. Then it came down to searching for tickets. Um, going to Africa = ridiculously expensive. I'm sure you already knew that, but holy cow. It's like sell-your-first-child expensive. With the help of Expedia and my mom's travel agent friend, I found a flight for just under $2300 (perhaps I don't value first-borns as much as others). 


Anywho, as exciting as it is to personally know someone who is going to Africa, I'm sure you all want to see what I've been eating lately. I must stay that for the past two days, I've been good...ish. I am legit going to have to cut down on my food splurges so that I can pay for all that Africa will cost me. See? This trip is going to be good for me on so many levels! Here's some recent eats:

Homemade pizza with lowfat cheese and veggies

New Chobani flavor...with...

Fruit on the bottom! And I ate the whole thing!

Snack: strawberries and strawberry banana chobani

Taco night!

Thanks for reading!