Not typically someone who's got resolutions

I've never really been one to do the whole New Year's Resolution thing. Like yes, I set some goals for myself, but I've never been one to really wait until New Year's. I kind of figure that if I have a goal, I'll just get to it and accomplish it when I think of it, rather than wait until a specific day. This year, I'm really fucking in to doing New Year's Resolutions. These are my top 3:

1. Pay off all my credit card debt
2. Study on a consistent schedule
3. LOSE THE FUCKING WEIGHT

So, let's go through all my goals one by one, shall we? Cuz to accomplish shit, you need a plan of how you're going to get there.

Numero uno: Pay off the credit card debt

I accumulated a lot of credit card debt in med school going to various countries in Africa and being all around not-too-savvy with money spending. So, this year, Nasur and I have made it a priority to pay off my debt. We've transferred the balance from our high interest credit card to our low interest credit card and are using the Mint app to help tell us when and how much to pay to get this shit done by December 2017. Hopefully sooner if I get an awesome tax return.

Nombre deux: Study on a consistent schedule

I've decided I need to do at least one practice bulletin a day and some kind of other reading per night - at least an hour of reading of some sort. It's not a lot, but it's a minimum that I could actually stick to.

Nummer drei: LOSE THE FUCKING WEIGHT

I've been prepping for this one the most. How, you ask? I've been reading about diets, I've been making sure my gym is open, I've been figuring out group fitness schedules, I've been making healthy grocery lists, I've been looking up healthy (and easy) recipes, and I've been bingeing like there's no tomorrow because I figure once the first rolls around, that shit's gotta stop. So, how am I going to get below 200 pounds by 2018? I'm going to track those damn calories, hit the gym after work (as long as I'm not working the long shift), I'm going to take my blender to work and make protein shakes, I'm going to quit the bingeing, I'm going back to intermittent fasting two days a week, and eating is going to stop by 8pm on nights as much as possible. Oh, I know how completely shitastic the first few weeks are going to be. I'm going to be cranky as all hell and I'm going to be staring at people's food and imagining it in my belly, BUT, I'm also going to be gaining muscle, I'm going to be eating healthy at restaurants, the straining on my scrubs will stop, I'll stop having food hangovers, and I'll start feeling more awesome about myself. And, really, nothing big will change about my life except my health and I'll hopefully serve as motivation for others. And I'm going to try to blog more and take all kinds of photos. And I'm going to talk about it with people so that rather than feel embarrassed/ashamed, I'm seeking out support and making others aware of my goals - that stuff really helped the first time around. 

Also, I've got Blogger downloaded on my phone and my iPad so that I can blog faster and easier rather than taking 30-60 minutes a night working on it. And I'm going to give myself a goal of 4-5 days of blogging per week. Nasur is going to weigh in with me every Monday (as in he's going to stand by me when I step on the scale) so I have someone to keep me accountable and we're talking about doing a 5k. All good things. I'm also going to take a selfie every single day and post it on here so I've got all kinds of before and after pictures. And I'm going to take more pictures in general because really, why else do I have a smart phone? And I'm quitting facebook because seeing other people and comparing myself to them makes me feel poopy about myself AND whoa, do I spend a lot of time on it. 

That's it, folks. 

I just showered (so that I could shave my legs and have them be gym ready for January 1) and am getting ready to hit the hay. I've gotta work 24 hours tomorrow, so I had to do some planning tonight. 

Anywho, LET'S MAKE 2017 work for us, amirite?

Ice cream and overthinking

Today when I was at the gym, the elliptical felt really hard. I was kinda hungry when I got to the gym and I found myself distracted by that and then I just kept overthinking upcoming events - like my oral exam tomorrow, my trip to Disney next week, and what I was going to eat for dinner. I had to constantly remind myself that I needed to push myself. In the end, it was a pretty decent workout, so I'm happy about that. 

The day was otherwise pretty uneventful. I had an OB clinic in the morning and got to see some pregnant ladies and I didn't have any OR cases in the afternoon, so I did some reading/studying, but I also spent some time just laughing and talking with my co-residents. It was nice to relax and laugh - sometimes you need to do that more than you need to read. I also managed a cat nap in there - I completely passed out while reading. Such is the life of a resident - I really need that vacation ;-)

In other news, one of my co-residents told me about a new ice cream called Halo Top. In short, it's a healthy ice cream - it's low in calories and fat, and marginally higher in protein than a normal ice cream. Nasur kindly ran out and got some for me tonight when I realized I had quite a bit of room in my calorie budget. It definitely didn't taste like what I was expecting, but it was still good and it was definitely a good size portion for the calories.

Today's other photographed eats:

Breakfast

Morning snack in clinic

Lunch: grilled chicken wrap + goldfish

Green tea while studying at home

Not pictured:

• Fiber one bar in the AM
• Belvita peanut butter crackers in the AM
• Grapes for a snack in the PM
• Other half of the salad for dinner + cheese stick

Successful first day

So, day one was a success! I tracked my calories all day and hit up the gym. I really didn't want to go to the gym because I have an oral exam on Wednesday (and am obviously nervous about it) and I had a headache, but I was all like, "Danika. It is day one. Get your shit together." So, there you have it - I got my butt to the gym. Also, my weigh-in today was pretty motivating. This is the heaviest I've been since 2010. Yikes.

Next week I'm going to Disney World [WOO!], so I'm setting a two-week goal of a 5 pound loss. If I hit my goal, I'm either going to buy a Happy Lamp or a tanning membership - I'm trying to help myself deal with the shitty lack of sunshine. I'm hoping that motivation and all the walking at Disney will get me back to the 240s.

In other news, my day was super boring. I scrubbed two surgeries and then tried reading at work. I have a hard time reading at work because I'm easily distracted, so I'm going to dig my headphones out of my gym bag and throw them back in my backpack so I can drown out the medical students.

Here are the rest of today's photos:

Breakfast: eggs, grapes, and ham

Lunch: chicken, egg roll, and plate o' salad

Studying and eating goldfish

I went to da gym!

Ate exactly half of this salad for dinner

Dinner: mini pizza + half of above salad

Catch you folks tomorrow!

New long-term goal

So, after a lot of self pity and figuring out my shit, I've decided upon this: when I turn 30, I want to be able to start a new decade as healthy as I can. I have 199 days until this happens. What am I doing to help myself do this? All this shit:

1. I am going to hit up the gym after work every day possible and keep my gym bag in the car to make it easy to just go
2. I am going back to counting calories and taking snacks to work. I will continue to buy my lunch because packing lunches blows, but I will be good about choosing healthy options
3. I will weigh in every Monday and set a 1.5 - 2 pound per week goal
4. I will blog as much as possible. This little love club really helped me stay accountable last time
5. I won't let setbacks own me or ruin me
6. I will talk about my goals with friends so that they help me stay accountable too

Let's do this, guys. Weigh-in tomorrow!

I've got this guy on my team too - so that should help!

Struggling with self worth

This post is going to be a very difficult post for me to write. I'm hoping it will be therapeutic by the end. To be honest, I've been avoiding this post for a while because it's putting a lot of myself out there and dealing with a lot of things that I've been ignoring. It's going to make me incredibly vulnerable. So, if you're going to be a dick, go be a dick elsewhere, mmkay?

I'm not sure when all of this started, but things vastly changed when Nasur moved to America. For those of you who are unaware, Nasur moved from Uganda to marry me. I met him in Uganda in 2012 and we made a transcontinental relationship work for a while, but we couldn't move to the next step because the government blows hard. Long story short, we did a fiancé visa and had 90 days to get married once he arrived in Michigan at the end of December last year. It was a lot of change for me, but one of the hardest things for me to understand was why anyone would want to marry me. 

When I really sit and think about it, I just don't get it. There is nothing appealing about me. I'm selfish, I'm needy, I don't think about other people, I'm lazy, I like my own space, and the big one: I'm fat. I lack self control, I sabotage myself easily, I don't follow through when I set goals for myself, I don't work hard enough, etc. Trust me, I can go on for a looooong time. So when our 90 days started to come to a close, the doubting became really intense. I don't think I ever doubted Nasur per se, but I doubted that anyone could love me as much as he does. Nasur goes out of his way to show me how much he loves me every day and I know that he truly loves me unconditionally. But that scared the shit out of me (and on occasion, still does). Like, when was the other shoe going to drop? When was he going to figure out that I wasn't worthy of his love? When would he leave? I was fucking terrified of taking the next step because what if my heart was completely broken in the process? And when I expressed my doubts to Nasur, all he would say is that he was okay with whatever I chose as long as it made me happy. He held me every time I was completely overwhelmed and I felt like such a jerk because I knew it was hurting him too but he only cared about how much I was hurting. Long story short, as you already know, we got married. And he makes me stupid happy. And he believes in me and thinks I'm better than sliced bread. But me? I don't. And this self doubt has been pretty crushing lately. 

I've been binge eating a lot lately. I haven't told anyone because I know I'm not supposed to. And having Nasur around at home is really helpful because having a set of eyes watching your every trip to the kitchen does hold me more accountable, but those eyes aren't at work. So, that's where my bingeing has been happening. Nasur will make me breakfast at home and, depending on the day, I'll have a second breakfast. For lunch, I'll eat a whole meal and then sneak off to get a cookie at one cafe and get another one at the other cafe later in the afternoon. Then I'll check out the nurse's lounge to see what they've got there. It's stupid and has resulted in me feeling like shit about myself. I keep wondering why I can't just do this. I keep thinking about how successful I was when I had my year off between undergrad and med school and how committed I was. And then I think about how crushing the work hours are and how sometimes during a 24 hour shift, the only thing that keeps me awake is eating. And how when a surgery is challenging or I feel like I didn't perform well or didn't know how to manage something well, I'll eat or blame myself. And then I won't go to the gym because I feel good at the gym and I don't deserve to feel good about myself. It's stupid, stupid, stupid. And I can tell myself this in the midst of a binge, but I don't stop. And it's gotten to the point that the sheer amount of food I'm eating is causing me to be incredibly uncomfortable. It has really got to fucking stop. I'm hurting myself, I'm gaining weight at a stupid pace and I feel gross when I think about it.

I don't want to get into a plan to make things work. I just needed to get the beginnings of this out there. I need to start working towards change. I am willing to recognize that it's not going to be a one-post deal. I've gotta start taking small steps towards a goal that is light years away. But I do know one thing: I've got to start thinking of myself the way Nasur thinks about me. Because he thinks I'm the shit. And you know what, I can be the shit if I'd let myself be. 

Personal training fail

Today I was supposed to have an hour long personal training session. I was kind of dreading it because I haven't been to a personal training session in a long time, mostly because my trainer quit and also because I was afraid I was too out of shape to really benefit from anything. But I cancelled my personal training membership on August 29 and was told I had a month to use the last of my sessions. So, I scheduled about 12 of them. And then when I went to see the trainer today, I was told they were cancelled. Um, what? I had just warmed up for my session only to be told it wasn't going to happen. At first, I felt kind of stupid, like I'd made a mistake. And then I explained that I even got the email reminder and the trainer assured me that he didn't have me scheduled. So, I opted to do my own workout instead. I did some strength training and then went to see the guy who helped me cancel my personal training sessions. He realized that he misinformed me. He had his supervisor talk with me. She told me that I was supposed to have a month from the last billing statement thingy-ma-jiggy to finish my session. So, in essence, my month to finish my sessions was up on September 3, rather than September 29, like I originally thought. She appealed to her boss to give me some sessions back. Now, let me just tell you this, I've never loved this gym. I've been to a couple of different gyms - a YMCA, a community center, an independent gym - all of them have treated me better and cared about me. This gym, however, is definitely a business and doesn't seem to actually care about their members, so I'm not surprised that something like this happened. But, I do appreciate that they're trying to give me back some of my sessions. That being said, why the fuck don't I get back all of my sessions? It's not my fault that they told me wrong. I was going to use all of them and now I have to wait a few days to get them back while I could technically be using them. I'm annoyed. I'm also annoyed that, at first, I was made to feel like I deserved this to happen to me - that I was the stupid one. No. I deserve to be healthy and I deserve to have my training sessions for the 30 days after I cancelled if that's what I was told. 

In an unrelated note today, some really buff guy at the gym came up to me today to tell me he'd been watching me and told me to keep up the good work because he could tell I was really working hard. My first thought was that that was awkward, mostly because I was of course doing the hip adduction machine and was seated with my legs spread nice and wide...classy. But don't worry, I made it more awkward by saying, "Thanks, dude." Dude? Really? I chose to say "dude?" Also, how did he know I was working hard? Was it because I was sweating out of every orifice of my body. Yeah, that's probably it.

Hip adduction pose I was found in

Also, today I ate three pieces of pizza for lunch. We had a lunch and learn at work and some rep came in and brought Jet's Pizza. I don't particularly care for Jet's Pizza when it's deep dish, but when free food is put in front of me, it doesn't have to be delicious - it being free makes it super delicious. Well, I definitely wish I'd chosen something else because those three pieces of pizza were pretty hefty on the calorie and fat scale. (You can click on the picture to see the actual numbers.) 

Lunch nutrition: Calories, carbs, fat, protein, and fiber (I didn't know the fiber content)

Otherwise, I had a pretty healthy dinner. Nasur grilled burgers in the rain because he starts work tomorrow and it was our last fun dinner together. 

My grillmaster

He typically has a beef burger while I have a turkey burger just because it's a bit healthier. While he was grilling, I got my plate ready. I thought I took a picture of it, but I guess not. Bummer for you guys.

Welp, that's about it for me. Tomorrow is my long day: I have lectures starting at 7:15 a.m. (which is considered late as they usually start at 6:30) and then I've got my clinic, primary care clinic, and home call, which, despite its name, is not actually call taken at home - it's managing our obstetrics triage until the night team has its feet underneath them. It's not super fun, but we get paid for it, so I try to pick up as many shifts as I can. The bad thing about it is that you're at working until anywhere from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.

See you guys tomorrow!

Breakfast (minus the other half of the bagel thin I'd already eaten) 

I ate half of these for a morning snack

Afternoon hydration 

Studying with my feet up and some goldfish in my belly

Evening protein shake: orange cream - yum!

So, how hot is that?

So, Cedar Point was mostly awesome. I say mostly because it was hot as balls - how hot is that by the way? 98.6°F or a little less because of...um...gravity? Well, it was about 94°F at Cedar Point yesterday, so perhaps it really was hot as balls. Anywho, it was also mostly awesome because I fit in everything...except Wicked Twister. Nasur crapped out on us for Wicked Twister because, well, his first roller coaster experience was this year and some of the big ones are simply too terrifying for his little African brain to handle. While waiting in line [for less than 10 minutes - wooo!], Danny said to me that the only coaster he was afraid I wouldn't fit on was Wicked Twister because of my boobs. I really didn't think about it too much, but then the guy ahead of me who wasn't really all that big barely fit and he didn't have boobs, so I was pretty sure I was doomed. And it didn't bother me too much, but I mean, I have fit in that ride before and I'm pretty sure my boob size wasn't significantly different. I'm pretty sure I was just larger. So I've got that to work on. I also, for the first time in my life, tried the test seats without shame, because the more mature Danika figured it was better to try the test seat than wait forever to get on a ride and not fit.

Beginning of our day

Cedar Point

With the ferris wheel

In other news, I weighed in today...and yikes...

I'm not all that surprised, to be honest. My scrub pants are getting tighter, my bras and underwear are feeling smaller, and my face just looks fuller. 

So, I've got some goals for the month of September:

1. Finish eating at 8pm every day
2. Track calories as much as possible and guess when unsure
3. Hit up the gym 3-5 times per week
4. Skip the dessert
5. Lose at least 8 pounds

I'm hoping these will be easy goals to stick to. The calorie tracking is going to take some work - it's hard to remember sometimes. The gym trips won't be so hard if I just go after work - it's hard to go if I don't go right after work. Skipping the dessert won't be so hard this month because I'm on primary care and mostly away from the workroom where all the goodies live. And hopefully by following 1-4, losing at least 8 pounds will be easy. Wish me luck!

Panini and watermelon for lunch

Flatbread pizza for dinner, which I gobbled up without photographing

Protein smoothie to help keep me full for longer

Cedar Point Terror

For those of you who know me or at least know this blog, you'll know that for me, this all started at Cedar Point about 11 years ago. I had just graduated from senior year of high school and Danny and I headed down for our first Cedar Point trip of the year (for those of you who don't know, Cedar Point is a an amusement park with some pretty impressive roller coasters). Long story short: I almost wasn't able to buckle one of the seat belts and then I vowed to lose weight.

Well, tomorrow Nasur and I are joining Danny for another Cedar Point trip. I haven't been to Cedar Point since before medical school, so I have a lot of new roller coasters to look forward to. I also have some concerns about being able to fit. To be fair, I'm about 25 pounds down from the day I didn't fit. But every single fucking line is a terror. What if I don't fit? God, how embarrassing. I can't stand to go through that again. 

So, we'll see how tomorrow goes. Also, how does every guy I date get thinner than the previous one? Nasur is about 128 pounds. Gah. And he loves all 250ish pounds of me, but it can be a bit of a self esteem dropper (is that even a thing?) when I really sit and think about it.

Anywho, off I go. I think tomorrow or Tuesday I'll do a post on some goals and all that jazz. 

Cheers!

1-2-3 recap

I'm baaaaaaack! So, it's been a really long time since I've blogged. So, let's do a quick 1-2-3 recap and then move the fuck on because who cares about the past, right?

1. Nasur (my fiancé from Uganda) finally arrived in America and we got married!

On our wedding(ish) day

For those of you who have been forever loyal read this blog before, you know that I met Nasur in Uganda while doing some medical work back in 2012. We tried (and failed) to get him over here on a simple visitor's visa, so we applied for a fiancé visa in June 2015 and he arrived just in time for New Year's 2016. His visa stipulated that we get married within 90 days, so we signed a marriage certificate in March and the rest is history. We might do a reception when we're less broke we're able.

2. I became a second year resident

Me + handful of co-workers

I got through first year of residency with minimal battle scars. I learned what it was to work 80+ hours a week and take care of a floor full of pregnant women without losing my shit. I also learned the importance of being kind to your co-workers no matter what the situation. I haven't worked a lot of 24 hour shifts, but when I do, people being dicks is the last thing you want to deal with.

3. I gained some weight

Nasur and me in Saugatuck

Working as much as I do and not prioritizing my own health helped me put back on pretty much all the weight I lost last year. I had quite a few feeble attempts to lose weight throughout this year, but I just haven't committed myself. I can't tell you how many times I've told myself, "Eh, I'll just start tomorrow." Also, do you know how hard it is to not eat the hospital cookies? It's really fucking hard. 


So, it's time for some change. I've got some ideas, but my best one was coming back to this little online love nest and coming back to SparkPeople, which is an online community committed to supporting those who are trying to make positive changes in their lives. 

Stay tuned for some ramblings about my life, weight loss, and goals more fun!