Eats and election anxiety

OMG. THE ELECTION. FUUUUUUUCK.

Now that that's out of the way, let's proceed as planned. Today, I was in the office, which meant walking pad time! Before lunch, I had about 4k steps. I did a workout during lunch, and rounded out my 10k steps before even leaving work. That's always nice, especially on nights the kiddos are with me because I already have a ton of Mom guilt about not seeing them all the time so I'd feel too guilty not being able to spend time with them while I exercised. On weekends when I have them, I don't feel so bad sitting them in front of a screen for an hour so I can exercise, but on weekdays when the time together is already limited, I just won't take that time for me.

Food photos today were a bit harder because 1) I had to take them while walking on my walking pad and 2) I forgot a few of them and thus will supplement them by using online photos. Today, I ate the following:

Breakfast at work

Other part of breakfast

Grapes for a snack

Fiber bar for poops and farts

Right before lunch snack 

This is what's pictured above

Lunch: Banana and leftover pot pie

Berries for an afternoon snack

Cookie dough snack while supposedly making cookies

Reyah's plate (because I'd already eaten mine): Chicken tetrazzini and asparagus for dinner

Today's eats were pretty reasonable. I probably ate more than I needed to because I packed hella stuff for work and wasn't hungry every time I ate, but alas, it's something to work on. Tomorrow I'm doing a day call shift at the hospital, where it is WAY HARDER to eat healthy. You'd think they'd push healthy food at the hospital, but nope. They have mostly processed unhealthy shit in the physician lounge. Why? Because it's cheap and if you know anything about healthcare, it's a business and profit margins are the most important thing.

Toothbrush photos for a rounding out of the night:

And lastly, OMG. THE ELECTION. FUUUUUUUCK.

More Prime. Less Shit?

Welp, Jeff Bezos, who definitely needs more money, made more money off of me today. I had a patient cancel and so I spent that time (and some time tonight) buying more stuff on Amazon. Mostly for my kids, but I did buy myself a new swimsuit as well as some baby shower gifts. With all these new toys on their way, this probably means I should do a major clean out of the kids' play room, which, let's not kid ourselves, absolutely won't be happening, and then I'll be massively overwhelmed by all their crap and will just keep the doors shut to that room for forever. Okay, great. Creating more problems for myself. Like that's a new thing. Next!

Today I had the overwhelming joy of being the doc on call at one of the hospitals. Because it was not very busy at the beginning of my shift, I went outside for a long walk. How long, you as the very enamored reader ask? Long enough for the sun to set and for me to document it but fall victim to Google Photos not wanting to upload them to prove to you that I can walk for a long time. During my walk tonight, I listened to some OB/GYN podcasts so I can stay up on the literature and be the best doctor ever. Then I did two peloton outdoor walks. For those of you who haven't joined the Peloton cult, you should. I bought a peloton tread in April. I wanted to use it to get more steps in and be a little more motivated to move my body and let me tell you, it's working. I rarely do a live workout (read: I did one once), but I do the recorded workouts and these workouts push me way harder than I would ever push myself. If I were to do the treadmill on my own, I'd up the incline and then walk for an hour at a modest speed. Doing a treadmill workout with the Peloton, the incline is up and down and all around and we're slow walking and power walking and hiking, etc. I've even started doing some runs, which I really haven't done since medical school (I honestly can't remember if I did any running in residency). Their app also has lots of stuff you can do off their exercise equipment, like their outdoor series. The outdoor series has an instructor telling you what to do and it pushes me harder. I will do power walks outside now and I have officially stopped giving a fuck about whether or not people who have the distinct pleasure of watching me power walk think that it's weird. It's a decent way to get a humble little workout in when I'm not at home or at the gym with equipment. So, go me.

Tonight's outdoor walks I did with coaching by Alex Toussaint and Joslyn Thompson Rule. Alex had some pretty legit motivational things to say during his walk, but also his playlist was killer and he kept the pace up. Joslyn was way easier with her walk, but she has kicked my butt before. I have already bookmarked more outdoor walks with Alex because I really liked his style. 

I'm off! Perhaps tomorrow you can have some photos and we can start talking about my toe touching goal. P.S. I packed my food for my shift, so one could say I'm killing it with food packing even though it's the worst task in the world.

Goals and Shit

Because I'm really good at consistency, here I am almost a year later, but whatever. Also, because I'm a real journaler, I'm going to write down some goals and we'll see what happens

• By Dec 31, 2024, I want my BMI to be <35 (a.k.a. just obese; a.k.a. no longer morbidly obese, a.k.a. a tiny step closer to being in onederland)
• For my height, this means I need to weigh in at <237 pounds. Which means I need to stop self sabotaging. Which also means I need to stop eating absolute trash while on call. Which also means I need to pack food. I hate packing food. Like probably on my top 10 list of things I loathe type of deal.
• From now until the end of the year, I'd like to get 10k steps a day. I'm currently on day 113 of a streak of 10k steps a day, so I can do this
• I'd like my Garmin to think I'm actually 37 by my fitness age (it currently says I'm 39 - rude. But also, I started at 44, soooo...). To do this, I need to be consistent with my higher intensity work outs
• I'd like to be able to touch my toes without stretching first. I've still go to think about how to do this

Per my calculations/google search, there are 85 days until the end of the year. So, I'm going to have to think about how I'm going to work on the ability to touch my toes and then crack down on my eating and up my exercise intensity. I know I can do this because I've literally done it before.

Weight photos tomorrow because that is the shit part of the 'Goals and Shit' my title refers to. Here are some recent-ish photos so you will be tempted to return.

Breckenridge trip

Undergrad pal reunion

Field trip photo

Field trip photo with a Mom friend

Halloween nails

 

Day 38/365: Calories counted!

So today I counted calories and stayed in my ranges, which was my goal. I can see how easy it would be to lose weight if I were to do this everyday. However, I can see how hard it would be to motivate myself to track everything and pack everything the night before. But, we'll see how this week goes!

In other news, I did a whole lot of nothing at work today. No C-sections were called, so there was no surgery for me to do, and because I'm not an intern, no board to be run (by me anyway). I did some studying, some appointment arranging, some tax preparation, and so on. It was a good day for some of those little things that I usually can't get to.

I went to the gym after work today. Nasur said he was going to come, but since he's majorly congested, he opted out. That means that it was a good thing that I had a gym bag packed with me. Otherwise, I definitely would not have gone.  I'm going to try to make going to the gym after work more routine. Unless I'm staying after work for call, I'd like to plan on going. So, I've gotta finish packing my bag before I hit the hay.

Here's to another calorie tracking day tomorrow!

Day 37/365: Calorie Counting

Today, I didn't weigh in - I completely forgot. It's like my subconscious didn't want to upset me! Today, I packed most of my food. Today, I declined going down to the cafeteria to get free food (which for me usually means overdoing it) and explained that I needed to stick to what I packed for myself. And then today, I mindlessly munched on whatever was in front of me. I just can't seem to get myself to stick with this. I keep telling myself on Mondays, "This week is my week." But that doesn't seem to help. I thought maybe when the month restarted, I'd start fresh and then I remembered that while eating a cookie. Maybe not the best timing. So, I'm going to do a little refresher course for myself - I'm going to count calories for a whole week and stay within my range. Next Wednesday, I take off for a conference [at Disney World] and I'm going to track all of my calories from now until then. It's going to be hard, but I'm thinking if I pack my food the night before and have all my calories tracked, it shouldn't be too much of a bother.

I've been pretty good about getting to the gym at least 3 days a week - I've even been doing weights during peak times because I deserve to be able to do weights too! I'm going to pack a gym bag every night too because though I planned on going with Nasur tonight, he ditched me for the dentist and then because I didn't have my stuff with me nor the motivation to go without him, I didn't go. If I had my stuff with me, I would have gone. So, it's worth keeping a packed bag in the car.

I'm also going to try to do a quick blog post every night to keep myself on track and motivated. But now I've gotta go pack some food. Cheers!

New long-term goal

So, after a lot of self pity and figuring out my shit, I've decided upon this: when I turn 30, I want to be able to start a new decade as healthy as I can. I have 199 days until this happens. What am I doing to help myself do this? All this shit:

1. I am going to hit up the gym after work every day possible and keep my gym bag in the car to make it easy to just go
2. I am going back to counting calories and taking snacks to work. I will continue to buy my lunch because packing lunches blows, but I will be good about choosing healthy options
3. I will weigh in every Monday and set a 1.5 - 2 pound per week goal
4. I will blog as much as possible. This little love club really helped me stay accountable last time
5. I won't let setbacks own me or ruin me
6. I will talk about my goals with friends so that they help me stay accountable too

Let's do this, guys. Weigh-in tomorrow!

I've got this guy on my team too - so that should help!

Looking back

Lately/the last three days, I've been reading through some of my old blogs. Mostly because I'm narcissistic, but also because I wanted to see what I'd been thinking and eating when I started this blog in 2011. Some things I've noticed is that visiting old med school entries is an invitation to misery. Yikes. My life was studying and gaining weight/hating myself for gaining weight. I was (and still am) scared of failing each exam (though I never did) and always, always, always doubted myself and the work I'd put in. I also let my fear of failure control me a lot - I'd put off studying because I was scared I'd have a hard time; I'd put off practice tests because not doing well was terrifying; I'd put off going to the gym and eating well because I was scared to do something that wasn't studying. Some happier posts were written during my year off when I was just working and going to the gym everyday. I was working out with a personal trainer, learning how to make healthy meals, going out for bike rides, and trying new things. I want to go back to that place. I want to be more confident in me and my abilities. I know that making that change is going to take some time, so I'm hoping that I can make some progress this year.

Also, yesterday, while I was looking over my application (the website was soooo effing slow), I was also watching an older episode of extreme weight loss (Melissa's episode this season). I almost turned it off because she was such a downer. Like she cried all. the. time. And she presented herself as a victim and I was sick of it. No one forced you to eat all the time. No one forced you to drive your lawnmower down your driveway instead of walking down it to get your mail. No one forced you to shove away all your problems. But then as she was losing weight and dealing with her problems, she started turning things around. And then it was all epiphany all the time. And there was one for me: I have totally done what she's done. I've totally made excuses and made myself the victim. Oh sure, med school makes things a million times harder, but I could never tell myself it's going to be okay and taking an hour or two for me is not going to ruin my success.

Anyway, today was a good day 3 of my new one week challenge. Lisa struggled yesterday, but she's still kicking day three's butt, so read about her day three on her blog! For me, if it hadn't been for this challenge, I totally wouldn't have gone to the gym tonight. But holy crap, I'm so glad I did! I got in an awesome workout on the elliptical (while watching another episode of Extreme Weight Loss) and I got to chat with my old neighbors who also go to the Y. So, so glad I went. And when I got home, I made myself a kick ass dinner.

That being said, I was dragging during the day. I didn't exactly pack a legitimate lunch. I packed some fiber plus bars, a banana, grapes, watermelon, pretzels, and blueberries. The fridge is super far away, so I ate the fiber plus bars, banana, and pretzels. And then I really wanted something more substantial, so I grabbed a chicken salad sandwich from the patient food room (the nurses coaxed me into it when I said I was starving and didn't have a proper lunch). And then I was like "Oh shit! Did I just break the challenge?" I'm going with no, but it means I have to do better with packing food for tomorrow. And I also need to take it upon myself to tell the doctor when I'm hungry and thirsty so I can go grab a snack. I tend to wait until I'm extremely hungry or thirsty instead of keeping things level throughout the day.

Anywho, here are some pics from the day:

Breakfast

Snack after work

Pre-gym snack

Snack while I was making dinner

Tomatoes from my mom's garden - I'm almost out!

Dinner!

Dessert!

Today's positive: Owning up to some of my own faults and learning what I need to do to be successful food-wise.

Planning ahead for success

Okay. Days are rough. Nights are nice because you just do admissions - you basically meet the patient, have a basic plan in place and then tuck them in for the evening. Days require you to do the things you've planned. I have a good preceptor this week who really likes teaching, but there's been a lot going on this week: exam on Tuesday, final dress fitting tonight, H&P due Thursday, hair cut/eyebrow wax on Friday. I know that doesn't seem like much, but when your days are long, you have something that requires you to be a certain place at a certain time and then you're supposed to put in a good few hours studying every night, it's a lot. And I'm trying to fit in the gym and eating healthy with that. 

I'm doing okay on the gym part, but my eating has been a lot of grazing the past two days. Finally, I figured out why: I didn't plan ahead. The last few weeks I've been successful because a) I've been able to eat most of my meals at home (and thus able to eat what I'm actually craving when I'm craving it) and b) I've cooked enough food to get more than one meal out of it. So, tonight I put out some salmon to defrost. I'll either marinate before or after work tomorrow and then at least have dinner planned. I've also got some asparagus that'll go well with it. 

I still can't stand packing lunches though. I hate, hate, hate it. I just feel limited by what I can bring and a lot of the things I like to eat don't do well with sitting for long periods of time. I've gotta scope out the cafeteria better tomorrow so I can figure out if there's a toaster or toaster oven available.

Anyway, I probably do have pictures, but I didn't get an opportunity to upload them. Taking photos on my phone makes uploading a non-issue, but the quality is not so hot. Sorry - beggars can't be choosers!

I've gotta go read up on secondary hypertension for tomorrow, so I'll catch you guys tomorrow!

Oh, today's positive: Bailey is done with his antibiotics! We're down to one pill a day and two ear rubs. THANK GOD. And speaking of phone photos, here's one of the baby.

So damn cute

Another one of those posts...

Alright. I can't tell you how many times I've written posts like this. Well, I probably could if I wanted to take the time and look through all my old posts, but I don't want to do that. What I do like to re-read are nice e-mails, old text conversations, and old facebook conversations. Also, all the Harry Potter books. In fact, I re-read the entire Harry Potter series once a year (typically in the summer). Anyway, back to the original topic: posts that I write all the time.

I am not committed to this weight loss thing. I'm just not. I'm not saying that I don't want to be, I'm just saying that my current behaviors are mostly (like 99.7%) not conducive to losing weight. Here's a list as to why.

1. When eating out, I'm a free woman! Anything and everything! Calories be damned!
2. Packing food. I fucking hate it. I would rather have every single piece of my body hair tweezed out than pack a lunch, a snack, whatever it may be. I would rather re-do my surgery rotation for two years straight (which requires a 4:00 a.m. wake-up daily and multiple 24 hour shifts) than pack food. I would rather listen to someone chewing with their mouth open than pack food. However awful the thought that you're having is - I'd rather do that than pack good.
3. In the same vein, I hate cooking. It takes time. I don't want to think that far ahead.
4. Fast food and drive thrus are so damn convenient.
5. Giving a shit is so much harder than not giving a shit.

I know that all sounds pathetic and lazy and stupid, but I'm not sure how to recommit myself (again). I have been good about going to the gym, so there's that. Buuuuut, as far as controlling my eating, I struggle. And to be honest, I know there's no quick fix. I know it's hard. I know it sucks. And I know that in order to be committed, I need to talk about it with others. I know I need to log calories. I know I need to behave myself. I need to take pictures. I need to blog. I need to be effing shameless about my goals. But I also need to have goals. And they need to be realistic.

So, here we go:

1. Two pounds a week. My goal used to be three pounds a week when I had a personal trainer, but I had a lot more time to dedicate to exercise back in the day. So, I'm going to settle for two (WHICH IS STILL A LOT)
2. No eating after 8:00 p.m.
3. No drive thrus, fast food, or ordering take out. No. Bad. None. Don't even think about it.
4. Pack food. It's going to suck. I'm going to hate it. I'm going to bitch about it all the time. And then I'm going to post pictures, damn it.
5. BLOG. And then blog again. And when the world is caving in and all I want to do is do nothing, I will blog again.
• Currently, I would like to do a challenge called Motivational May where I blog every single day and write either one good thing about the day, one good thing about myself, or one good thing about someone else. You know, to motivate myself to see the positive a bit more cuz if I have to write something positive, I'll have to look for the positive more. IT MAKES SENSE.

So, I'm charging up my camera. And we're doing this. You and Me. Also, I'm doing a weigh-in tomorrow. DO NOT JUDGE ME FOR THE WEIGHT GAIN/we all start somewhere.