The internet is for judging

Well, in preparation for my oral surgery, I overate to excess at the end of the week last week. I took pictures, but admittedly was too embarrassed about how much I ate to want to post anything. I didn't want to be judged for my fat assness. Because let's face it, the internet exists to judge people.

I had my bone graft/little surgery on Monday. I'm still working on recovering. He warned me the swelling would be impressive, but good God. Impressive is an understatement. He failed to warn me that I would require antibiotics every 6 hours for a whole week, so that's been super fun. I have an alarm set on my phone so I don't miss any. I also take my pain meds at that time. It's been a lot more painful than I expected. It's totally manageable with pain meds, but you can't take those forever. I just ate some soup for dinner and now the pain has spiked again because opening my mouth, even to get a spoon in, sucks a lot. I'm not sure what else to do. I suppose I could straight up drink everything, but it's a sad life to eat without texture and/or chewing. I'm already bored with the diet I'm stuck with. Here's a series of swelling photos for your entertainment.

So, anywho, I've stocked up on soup. I made mediocre pudding. I've got applesauce. I bought some mousses from Walmart. Nothing is that appealing so I opted to get some French onion soup delivered from Panera tonight. I bought the sharing portion for $25 because a bowl was $10 and I wanted to get my money's worth. Well, pretty sure I didn't get my money's worth. They said it served 4 and I must say, you've gotta really hate your guests if you think you can get 4 servings out of this. Also $25 for this? Ridiculous. 

Anyway, I've got a full OR day tomorrow, so it's off to bed early for me after I ice my fast some more.

Kathy Bates, Retainers, and Back Pain

It's hard to blog/journal/update all my adoring fans over the weekends. Mostly because I'm trying my best to Mom. Now, with this separation/upcoming divorce deal, I have every other weekend off from Mom-ing, but then I'm almost always doctoring. So, who knows what the future will hold? Weekend posts? No weekend posts? Some weekend posts? I am sure you're just as anxious as me to see what happens.

This weekend, I was reading an article about Kathy Bates having lost 100 pounds over the last 7 years. One of the things that struck me is that she said it took her years to be able to listen to/discover/appreciate her body's signals that's she full/satisfied/ready to be done eating. When I took ozempic, that full feeling was loud and clear. (For those of you who aren't long time followers, I tried ozempic and then ultimately discontinued it due to obscene amounts of explosive diarrhea. I also tried Mounjaro, but had the same problem.) So, now I'm trying to see if I have that signaling. Yesterday, I would have said yes. I went to a baby shower and then a dinner with friends and was so overly full, it was uncomfortable. I kept eating because, duh, I'm me, but I realized that maybe I could figure that out for myself, too. So, it'll be something I'm going to try to think of a bit more. 

Back to the baby shower. I was responsible for invitations, onesie decorating, and bringing the cake. Naturally, I got the cake from Costco because I live less than 10 minutes from Costco, a sheet cake is incredibly cheap there, and that cake is awesome. The mousse filling? Chef's kiss. After the party folks had eaten their share, I naturally left it at the host's house. Today I had to go back there because I left my wallet (without realizing it) in addition to some other goodies. While there, the host offered me to take the cake back. We decided to go halfsies because like me, the people in my household also don't need to be eating copious amounts of cake. But man, that cake is so good that I was literally salivating in the car. Thankfully we had stuff to do right away upon my return home because I would have eaten hella cake. We did have it for dessert after dinner and while putting it away, I was already thinking about when I'd have another piece. So, I decided to brush my teeth and put my retainers in to avoid eating more.

Back to today. Today, the kids and I rode our bikes to the park (can you call it bike riding if Zayd rode a motorized mini ATV? Probably not). Often when we go to the park, Zayd wants to play Monster where I run around roaring and try to catch him and Reyah. It gets some steps in while allowing me to publicly humiliate myself - such a multitasker I am! So, I usually agree to it. Today, we had a few more kids playing along because since Reyah started kindergarten, we now know the entire town of Timnath. Well, I was sprinting (for me) and caught a victim, proceeded to lift her up, and immediately felt myself throw out my back. For me, throwing out my back is a once every couple year occurrence. So, I wasn't due as I'd just done this in April and my massage therapist fixed me. She told me it was my hip flexors and did some hella painful manipulation/massage and I walked out pain free after two weeks of worsening pain. So, tonight I tried walking on the treadmill for a half hour and a half hour of stretching. It definitely helped and maybe I won't have to walk hunched over tomorrow, but it still feels like garbage. Thankfully, I have a massage planned for Tuesday. 

Tomorrow I have a long office day and so I'm hoping to eat a hearty breakfast at home and pack some healthy snacks. I realized tonight that we're very low on fruit, so perhaps tomorrow after work will be a Costco trip to stock up again in addition to a solid work out if my back behaves because the kiddos will be with Nasur. 

Thanks for following along! Some cute kid photos for your troubles.

Bit of a pity [food] party.

Today started out okay, but as I felt my foot throbbing, I slowly spiraled into a pity party. It went something like this: If I can't move more, how do I lose weight? If I can't lose weight, how am I ever going to be healthy? If I can't be healthy, how am I ever going to be happy? Well, I'm never going to lose weight. So I'll never be happy. So, may as well eat my feelings.

Cue: overeating. I had a healthyish breakfast of pesto toast (I made my first ever pesto this weekend) with some tomatoes and then as lunch got closer and closer, I was like I'll order out for lunch. I got a gyro + fries + pita chips + feisty feta dip. I ate all of that food slowly from 12:30 - 5:30, but I ate all of it and definitely didn't need to eat all of it.

So, I ended up feeling worse than my foot did. 

Once home, I skipped out on dinner because I wasn't hungry and then took the kiddos for a walk. Nasur wanted to stay home and clean. Reyah rode her bike and I pulled Zayd in the wagon. No one else was out because the skies looked ominous. But, we lucked out and did our whole walk without any rain. We did bath time and bed time and now I'm trying to think of how to keep myself motivated despite this setback. I felt fine last night, but I'm frustrated today. I'm also worried about tomorrow because it's an OR day and I'm not sure how standing all day on my foot is going to feel. Le sigh. 

Motivational feedback welcome!

No slumping...ish

Quick post because work has been...yikes. But, no terrible eating today! Mostly because I didn't get a chance to eat until 4:30 p.m. But when I did finally have a chance to eat, no massive overeating! Little victories, y'all!

Bingeing, goals, and some good news!

So I'm going to come out and say it: I've been binge eating. I signed up for my third board exam just over a week ago and instead of going into productivity mode, I've gone into "I'm going to fail, so I better procrastinate and what's a better way to procrastinate than by eating all the things?" mode. That's not the best mode to be in, let me tell you. And it's been going on too damn long and man oh man have I been feeling the effects of it. I'm exhausted in the afternoons, I've been feeling physically sick, and I'm lazing around like it's my job. I've finally decided to screw that. I don't need to be exhausted, there's no reason to make myself feel physically sick, and my job is to work. So, I'm going to do that.

Today starts what I'm calling my two week challenge. I'm going to do two things in my two week challenge: work out 5 days a week and only eat one serving size when I eat. Bam. I'm not going to restrict myself to what I'm going to eat - I'm just going to be sensible when I'm eating. I'm going to treat myself with the respect I deserve. So, good for me.

In other news, Nasur's fiancé visa petition was approved on Monday (which was also my mom's birthday, but felt a little bit more like mine given the good news)! This means that Nasur will hopefully be in America in the next 3-4 months. Woo hoo! It also means that he and I have to get married within 90 days of his arrival. Meh. I've never been the type of woman to be super pumped about weddings. Like I never sat and planned mine as I was growing up and to be honest, I still don't really give a shit. I don't want to plan something in 90 days, so we're thinking it'll be a little courthouse thing and we can have a fun reception that is a true celebration once we have money/have more than 90 days to plan something. We'll see. It's a ways away, but is also coming up quickly.

But, back to the real point: Nasur will be here. Given that he's never been to America and lives in one of the world's poorest countries, I'm sure it'll be culture shock after culture shock after culture shock - perhaps we could call it culture electrocution? But I'm so glad he'll be here. He's super supportive, pushes me to do better for me, gets me no matter what mood I'm in, and is a very positive person. He can also flip the switch with me when I need to be serious Danika versus singing, dancing, goofy Danika. It's super nice having someone who can be anything you need. He's also incredibly selfless - he's always thinking about me and my happiness, like waaaaay more than I ever think of anyone else. All in all, I'll be glad to have him. He's also already very aware of my food issues and knows that he's going to have to make the gym and healthy eating part of his lifestyle too. And what's more, he's already thinking of ways that he can help. Like I said, he's pretty great. So, I hope the government can move quickly so I can have him here soon.

I also kinda want to look awesome when he arrives. Not for him, per se, because really, he thinks I'm the bomb diggity already, but for me. I want him to know he's going to be with someone who can set goals and then see them through. So, I'm packing up my gym bag tonight to throw into my car and getting ready for an awesome Monday and an awesome day two of my two-week challenge.

Also: I'm super proud of myself already for setting a realistic goal - with my current schedule, there's just no way I can make it to the gym every day. So, instead of setting myself up for disaster and then getting upset and bingeing about my failure, I'm making a goal that will be challenging and realistic. Bam. A step in the right direction!

Look for a weigh-in tomorrow even though I really don't wanna ;-)

One of my favorite pictures of me and Nasur

Today's lunch: ham and cheese sandwich, pretzel pieces (1 serving size!) and dill pickles

A few bad days doesn't mean failure

I have to admit, I had plenty of time to blog over the weekend, but I didn't want to blog over the weekend because I was eating poorly and I didn't want to admit it. I binged a bit on Saturday and felt bad about myself. And I didn't start to spiral, per se, but I did get into the whole, "Well, you may as well call today a wash," type of feeling. Today, however, I had personal training with my new personal trainer, Jack. And I was a bit nervous because I hadn't been to the gym since last Wednesday given my crazy work schedule - Thursday was late stay (until 6:30), Friday was later stay (until 11pm), and I worked Sunday and Monday (the holiday that most everyone else gets off). Sooo, yes, I could have gone to the gym Saturday, but I was all: I want the afternoon and evening to be with my friends and my morning to catch up with life at home (i.e., cleaning, balancing my budgets, etc).

Anywho, I digress. I met with my personal trainer today and I was nervous because of the lack of working out. I know it hadn't been a full week, but I was all, "Oh, shit. I'm going to be super out of shape and he's going to notice and judge me." And then you know what? I rocked my workout. I got in a good 28 minutes of elliptical before my session and then I rocked my session. Jack had to remind me to take breaks because he told me I was being too much of a machine. But, I wanted to keep the energy up and keep my heart rate up, so I kept on going. We focused on back, triceps, and something else (probably biceps given the way my arms are feeling). I'm probably going to be all jiggly armed tomorrow, which might be a bad thing given the fact that I have 6 surgeries...

Anywho, the eats today were decent. The trough (which is where the residents get free lunch) was legitimately all carbs. I grabbed some veggie lasagna (one scoop) and then one scoop of mac and cheese (which was SO GREASY) and filled the rest of my plate with salad. I ate a pear as well and then was treated to a yogurt by a co-resident when I complained that I was still hungry.

Tomorrow is going to be a fasting day, which should be relatively easy with my back-to-back surgeries. I'm thinking I may also fast on Thursday and Friday because my sweet tooth has been majorly flaring and a nice food reset may be in order. We'll see.

Today's breakfast

Today's dinner

The Memorial Day weekend team

Sunday night reading by the lake

I love being so close to the water!

That's all for now. No weigh-in this week - I'm on my period and I didn't want to face the scale after my overeating this weekend. I'll do a weigh-in next Monday!

What do you do when you've had a bad eating day or meal? How do you convince yourself to hop back on the wagon?

Women who talk about how full they are are crazy

Yes, there will be photos at the end. But you can't look at them until you read this because I'm going to rant...kinda.

So, I went to a bridal shower on Sunday for a dear friend from undergrad. It was awesome seeing her again and meeting some of her close friends. The not awesome part? Being alone with a large group of women for a frilly party. I'm not, nor have I ever been, a woman who is all into her looks, how she is perceived, etc. I mean, yeah, now I care a bit more, but not so much - it's low on my priority list. Anywho, I decided not to eat lunch given that the party was at 1, so I thought I'd be fed. And I once. There was an awesome quiche, a great salad, a fruit skewer and muffin for the main part. And then when they started offering seconds, no one took any because every woman was full. Um, seriously? A slice of quiche, a few forkfuls of salad, a muffin, and 6 teeny pieces of fruit and you're full? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? And thus, I was shamed out of having seconds. And to make things worse, a few women went on about how bloated they felt because they ate so much. SERIOUSLY? Do you have the world's tiniest stomach? Do you even have a stomach? I HAVE SEEN A STOMACH AND IT CAN FIT MORE. 

Then, after the gift opening, they passed around dessert. Some women didn't take any because they were "too full." I fucking took some. Duh. It was a lemonade ice cream cake/pie/thing. Basically, the crust was made of walnuts and other delicious smashable things, and then the woman mixed lemonade with ice cream and put it in the crust. It was good and the pieces were appropriately sized and there were a few women who "couldn't eat it all." Why? What would happen if you did? And there were others who complained about how rich it was. Um, I'm sorry, when did things other than like chocolate start being described as rich? A sauce? Yeah, I could see that. BUT LEMONADE ICE CREAM? That's not rich. It's tart. It's tangy. It's sweet. But it's not fucking rich.

After the shower, some of the young kiddos, the bride-to-be, and her fiancé and I went out for coffee (which I skipped on because coffee is gross) and then headed back to my place around 8 pm. When we got there, I offered some chips and salsa and fruit to everyone after getting everyone a glass of water, but some of the girls were still full from lunch. Now that is just fucking baffling because it was 6 hours prior. But whatever. So I ate a fucking sandwich when they left because I was fucking starving.

Now, to the point: WHY DO WOMEN DO THAT? Is there some secret competition where you win if you eat the least? I mean, maybe if you're competing for least weight, but what the fuck? I hate it when women do that. It just makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable the whole time you're around and I'm eating.

Anyway, I switched to colorectal surgery today. Standing all day hurts. A lot. And I finally went strength training so I hurt everywhere anyway.

Today's positive: I talked to a friend about how stupid women can be and she totes agreed and shared her own story about comparing herself to women at the gym. I GET IT, GIRL.

Photos:

Today's weigh in. Goal next week is 236.4

Sunday's pre-gym snack

Today's post-work snack

Today's breakfast

Tomorrow's lunch: grapes, watermelon, grilled chicken with BBQ sauce

Not so much

Calorie accountability? Not so much. I've been going a tad overboard the last two days. I just want to eat everything. I blame menstruation. I'm not menstruating, but I'm going to and it's pretty normal for me to want to eat ALL THE THINGS the week before my period. Still, that's not really an excuse. I've got about 72 days until the wedding and I've gotta make some changes.

So, I'm going to bump up the blogs, take photos of everything I'm putting in my mouth. Well, minus the water. I'm also going to track, track, track. To be fair, I won't be starting this until Saturday. Tomorrow I am headed to East Lansing after work for some residency stuff and Friday is the residency fair. But Saturday, it's game on. So, get ready body! It's gonna be time to lose some weight!