Terrified, anxious, and tearful

I wasn't sure if I was going to post today because I just had a four day weekend so really I should be all: YAY! I'M SO RELAXED. LIFE IS AWESOME. But really I'm all: I'm terrified and anxious and want to cry all the time.

So the big test (USMLE Step 2) was Thursday and it was hard. So, so hard. But, they're never easy, so that's to be expected. There was one question where I hadn't even heard of the thing they were testing before. So, hopefully that was a test question (anywhere from 10-20% of the questions on these exams are questions they're testing out to see whether or not they make good test questions for upcoming exams). Mostly, it's a time issue thing. There are 8 one-hour sections with 44 questions each. The question stem is like a paragraph to three paragraphs long (with or without lab values and imaging) and there are usually A-E choices after. Sometimes, if you're lucky, there are A-N choices and you want to die. But anywho, you have to go kinda fast, which is not exactly my strong suit. But, it was over and it didn't feel awful.

The next morning (Friday), I had a Skype session with the professor who's been helping me with my personal statement. He's like a huge interview and personal statement guru and he's been a big help to me. This was our last Skype session and we were talking about the application process. He then gently reminded me that my scores from last year weren't great. In fact, I scored below the national average. But I knew that. Then he told me that if my scores this year weren't at least 20 points better, I should be considering a back up plan to Obstetrics and Gynecology. Now this wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear after taking a really hard test. I have absolutely no idea how I scored. I also neglected to take any practice tests this year because last year all they did was destroy my confidence and make me feel like I couldn't do it. They also would make me lose 2 days of study time on average due to the time commitment to take them and then the following freak out session. And I told myself I wasn't going to do that to myself this year - I didn't need to lose the study time and I didn't need the anxiety. Well, that also means I have literally no idea where my scores might even fall. Last year, my score was about 15 points better than my last practice test. And this year, since I didn't take a practice test, I don't have a range that I can assume I'm going to fall in. In fact, I don't even know if I would have passed a practice exam. So now I'm 100% freaking out. I'm terrified that I might not have passed (but in moments of mental clarity, I can reassure myself that I didn't fail) and I'm also terrified that I didn't score very high. And that might mean some scrambling to make sure I have a residency next year. Yikes.

So, I'm struggling right now. I won't get my scores for a month and I know that it's not healthy for me to be freaking out left and right for the next month, but I don't know what else to do. I just want to be reassured that everything is okay, but no one can really do that for me. It's especially hard to fall asleep because I think about everything right before bed. Gah. It's really hard to be in medicine. We should really have to undergo some psychiatric testing because if you have a tendency to be anxious, med school is going to make it at least a million times worse. 

In other news, I really didn't take any photos (or eat healthy) this weekend. I'll get back on the band wagon tomorrow though, don't worry. I have to figure out when I'm going to hit the gym now that I have real life requirements again. I don't have to be at work until 8 everyday, but I'm not a morning person, so it might have to be a post-work type of deal. We'll see. It's hard to plan without having any idea what your schedule is going to be like. I'm going to keep a gym bag ready to go in my car with me everyday though so that I can go whenever there's an opportunity. Also, tomorrow I will likely grab my lunch at the cafeteria since the first day of every rotation is awkward and sometimes it takes a half day to get the tour to see where the fridge is.

Anyway, if you have any words of comfort or any stories about anxious times in your life, please feel free to share!

Progressing with this week's goals

So today was a long surgery day. After standing in one place for so long, it's usually my knees or feet that hurt, but over the last few days, it's been my low back. I'm assuming it's because I have poor posture because it goes away the second I am able to sit or slouch. That, or I've gained so much weight recently that my back is having trouble balancing it out (I'm hoping it's the former, but likely has some contributions from the latter). Anywho, I thought about hitting the gym after work, but it was already past 6, I have exams this week, and I still had to make dinner. If I can get out before 6 tomorrow, I promise I'll go.

I was pretty good with my week's goals (blogging, photographing, and no eating after 8pm) today. I'm blogging and I photographed most of my foods. I took a pic of breakfast, but that disappeared (it was early, I guess...). I forgot to snap one of lunch since I was eating at the hospital, but I did get photos of my post-work snack and my dinner. So, that's something. 

Hunk o' chicken, protein yogurt, and energy draaaaank

Maple salmon with sides for dinner

Another reason why I hate cooking - you have to clean up afterwards

I spent a lot of time packing my lunch and snacks tonight because I'm trying to be a good Danika. Also, today I ate two of the fiber plus bars, which they recently reformulated to include more calcium, and I'm guessing they're a bit more potent than previously because whoa, was I farting like it was my job during our afternoon surgery. So, I'm going to have to cut back to one and think of a different afternoon snack. Tomorrow, I've packed some almonds and a greek yogurt.

Now I'm heading to bed. I didn't get as much studying in as I should have, so I'm hoping my sleep is really restful so I can tackle my long day tomorrow!

Today's positive: The surgeon was putting in a catheter and had to put the lady in frog legs position. At the same time, the anesthesiologist turned on his anesthetic gas and so the surgeon says, "Mmm. I just love that smell." The anesthesiologist and I both looked at him and he immediately says, "The sevflurane - your gas - not down here (a.k.a. in this lady's naked crotch). I was like, "Phew. That's good because that sounded a little pervy." He was like, "Yeah. Bad timing." Haha.

Photos for you and starting fourth year of med school!

Hey friends. So, it's been about a month since I last posted. Things got a bit hectic and the blog was the first thing to go. First of all, I was maid of honor in a wedding, which was a long weekend of fun, but left me with only two weeks to cram for a huge exam at the end of the month. Here are some wedding pics:

Rehearsal dinner - bride's wedding party

Getting ready on the day (L to R): mother of bride, bride, college roommate/bridesmaid, me

We needed you guys to see the back

At the head table with my college roommate

The happy couple

I did pretty well on my end-of-rotation exam as well as the fake patient exam we took earlier in the month, which was 8 hours of fun the day after the bachelorette weekend.

And then my third year ended. It was weird. It essentially ended when my exam was over, which was incredibly anticlimactic. But that night I celebrated with some zumba and dinner out with some friends who were moving away for their clinical rotations the next day. I helped them move on Saturday and then my official one week summer vacation. On Monday, I helped some other friends move and went to yoga for the first time in forever. On Tuesday, some friends and I went to Michigan's Adventure. On Wednesday, I did a whole apartment deep clean and then headed home where I stayed and hung out with the dogs, my mom, and my little sister. My mom fed me and I got to hang out by the pool Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

Michigan's Adventure's biggest roller coaster, Shivering Timbers

Bailey, our smallest pup

Mayzie, our medium pup

Doc, our largest pup (and my personal favorite/buddy)

Now, however, fourth year is starting and I have got to get my shit together. Not just in terms of school work, but in terms of my health. I know I do this every month or so, but man oh man, blogging makes a huge difference in terms of keeping me accountable. It helps me track my food, make better choices, and put my health higher up in terms of priority. So, I'd like to set some fourth year goals. 

Big fourth year goal: Lose the weight I gained in medical school/get back to 210 (or lower)

Little goals: Blog 3-4 times a week

1. Work out 3-4 times a week and keep changing it up: alternate zumba, yoga, strength, and maybe even some swimming!
2. Track, track, track! Weight, food, etc.
• Weekly weigh-ins on Mondays with a 2 pound goal per week
3. No eating out, fast food, or hospital meals - I will pack all my food so I'm more accountable and I will eat what I pack (sometimes I like to pack food and then just buy food anyway)
• When with friends, eating out is okay (just not going out by myself because I'm being lazy)
4. Write a daily positive when blogging
5. Choose to be happy and laugh rather than frown and grumble

That's it, folks. I don't want to be too strict because I know that just fucks with my head. So, there you go. Plain and simple: eat better, work out more, and blog/talk about it!

Thanks in advance for your support. I officially graduate on May 16, 2015, so I'm going to set that as my deadline for my big goal!

Also, some food porn and other photos for you (because I love you):

On his way back to the vet - he's healthier now!

SkipBo with my mom

Dining outdoors - my favorite!

The scale went down!

Hey all. I'm pumped that my weigh-in produced at least some weight loss - I'm down 1.4 pounds from last week. Given my rough week, I'll take it! Goal is 2 pounds for next week.

I'm kinda in a rush because it's a late night and I have a nice long exam tomorrow over chest x-rays and EKGs. So, before I have an inferior infarct in leads II, III, and aVF, I'll simply post some pics for the day and tell you about my plans for running tomorrow/after I have them.

Bfast 

Lunch

Snack after work/6 hours of not eating

Cold spaghetti and cheddar bay biscuit = legit dinner, right?

Must go! Catch you tomorrow!

Physical prowess

So falling asleep last night was stupid. Like 2.5 hours of stupid. Seriously. My body can't turn off the worry. I read until my eyes are tired and then I still can't sleep. So what was going to be a restful 7ish hours of sleep turned into a not-so-restful 4.5 hours. Booo.

Anywho, today we had our epidemiology (it's formally called biostatistics, but whatevers) exam. I really like math and statistics, so I wasn't too worried about the exam. I did just fine and left after about an hour (though we were allotted 3). I hit up the gym and was feeling all good about myself. Then I got home and watched the lecture I skipped and now I'm in the midst of doing some pharmacology. But, the excitement doesn't stop there.

So, one of my favorite yoga instructors (Daniel) told us last week that doing head stands improves your ability to focus. He didn't know why, but he'd heard that. So, I decided to do some headstands at home. Obviously, I still had to use a wall, but I was pumped that I could do it. Then I decided to try my hand at shoulder stands because in class, I usually don't even try to do them (mostly because they look hard, but also because I've never been taught). So, I figured out how to get into the pose and then played around with it. After that, I figured, why not try doing a bridge/back bend (since I've always been to scared to try that in class)? Bam. Was able to do that too. What up?!

So, basically, today was awesome because of my physical prowess. Passing epidemiology with a pretty legit score? Who cares? 

Umm, I lied...?

When I said I'd be blogging here everyday, I mostly meant that I'd be blogging here as much as I wanted to/had time to/sorry I lied.

So, now that that's off my chest, I probably should tell you that committing to blog more during finals season is just dumb. I had an exam this morning and though I could have been more productive and blogged yesterday, I didn't. But what I did do was make two gym trips: cardio in the morning and yoga in the evening. I had the same yoga instructor I had on Saturday. Her name was Lauren and I've never had her before. She was a big fan of lunges yesterday and oh man, my quads were not a fan of her by the end. But I did like how she came around and adjusted people in their poses. I only got adjusted once, but I appreciate instructors who make sure you're feeling the right thing and actually getting something out of it. And my hamstrings and hips really opened up during that session, so I'm glad I went. That being said, Daniel is still my favorite.

Anywho, I'm coordinating a scrub drive at my school for my trip back to Uganda and found out about a great organization right in Grand Rapids that donates medical supplies to developing countries. It's called Rays of Hope. If you find yourself with a little change to spare this holiday, please donate to them! I'm heading there on Saturday to pick out some things to take to the hospital in Uganda to help them out maybe just a little bit. And the best thing about Rays of Hope is that they'll give these medical supplies to me all completely free! That's huge! And so, so awesome.

And update on where I am fitness-wise. Well, I ate a lot of peanut butter today and never really had a proper meal - it was just snacking when I got hungry due to today's pretty hectic schedule. I also didn't make it to the gym due to today's schedule (exam, two hours of lecture, orthodontist appointment, required presentation about my refugee family I've been helping), but I'll be heading there nice and early tomorrow morning!

Catch you guys later!

Shame on you google/Crunch time

So I think I figured it out. I can't use pictures from my camera, but if I upload them from my phone, google will totes post them on the blog. I will look into finding a new host domain, but this is so convenient and I'm pretty sure I'm going to get suckered in to paying for this stupid blog thanks to google. Shame on you, google. SHAME!

Anyway, I have exactly two weeks until I'm off to Uganda again. That 20 pound goal I set for my departure date? So not going to happen. But, I'm in crunch mode. So, during crunch mode, I'll be hitting the gym up a bit more, blogging here everyday and logging all my calories. Oh, and studying. Since, you know, I have three exams in the next 12 days. Womp, womp.

Here are some phone pics of food from days past:

Morning thoughts

So my alarm went off at 5:30 this morning and I knew I had to get up right away or I wouldn't be able to go to the gym and get ready in time for class. So, naturally, I laid in my bed wondering if I could go at another time because I was so, so, so tired. If I didn't go to the gym now, maybe I could go after ethics was done at 10...? No, because I hadn't read the nutrition article yet nor had I done my share of the stimulus questions for my infectious disease group. Okay. Maybe I could go after class, but before I met with my friends to go over drugs...? No, because once you leave school, you don't want to go back. Okay. Maybe I could go after we got through talking about drugs...? No, you're not going to finish going over drugs before the gym closes at 9. Okay. Well, maybe I'll take today as my rest day and go on Sunday (which is my supposed rest day). Yes. Yes, that is a good idea. I won't have to rush as much and I might actually enjoy my run rather than worry about how fast I'm going to have to shower and get ready. Yes. Yes, let's do that. 

So, I got to go back to sleep until 7:22, when I woke up, rushed through a shower, blow dry, make-up, proactiv routine, lunch gathering, and stuff packing. It was totally worth forcing myself to get ready in 28 minutes. And yet, I'm still exhausted.

Anywho, sorry for the lack of updates. The big exam is on Monday. My eating habits haven't been as great as last week (they're not bad - they're just not as on point). My picture taking has been uh, pretty pathetic. But, my gym time has been good and I've been enjoying my exercise. My biceps are coming back and I've already gotten my belt in one more notch without feeling like I'm going to explode. So, I'm going to call that progress. The scale isn't going to show as much progress as I'd like, I'm sure. But, I'm okay with that. Slow and steady. And with med school trying to kill me while I'm trying to better myself, I think that any loss is a good loss. We shall see come the weigh-in on Monday.

Also, I don't know how many of my close friends in med school read this, but for those that do: thank you. Thank you for tonight and for taking some time out of your lives so that we could do non-med school chatting. You ladies are the best.

Productivity is for losers

I knew this was going to be a good weekend when I discovered late Friday night that I'd been wearing my underwear inside out all day.


I think that statement really deserved its own paragraph. So, there we go. And here's a quick rundown of life as of late.


Friday, I was super not productive, but got to go see Brave, the new pixar movie with some friends. It was nothing like the trailer leads you to believe. If you see it and also find yourself thinking, "What the eff," know that you aren't the only one my friend. Most everyone I went with felt the same way. And there were 14 of us. Power in numbers. Here's a few of the lovely ladies I went with:

Afterwards we had a lovely dinner and then headed to our respective homes to continue our streak of not studying.


Saturday I did some running and was on the elliptical. It just so happened that my favorite yoga instructor was one elliptical over so afterwards, I chatted with him. He saw me huffing and puffing and told me that it never gets easier and you just have to keep going. I'm not sure if he said that because I seemed as though I was going to give up because of all the huffing and puffing, but I was kind of glad he did. Mostly because he's super in shape and it's nice to know that exercising is hard for him, too.


I also got yelled at for the first time ever for not wearing my shoes while on the treadmill. So, of course I did it again today and didn't get yelled at. Yup, I'm a bamf.


Today I did some more cardio again - just running and the elliptical, but man my hips hurt. I'm not sure why, but it's painful to sit in a chair for an extended period of time. So, I'm writing this lovely blog on my bed. Here's a creepy pic to prove it:

Having a flash that close to your face is not flattering

Anywho, tomorrow I have a final exam. I also have one on Friday that is going to require a ridiculous amount of studying, which makes me wish I'd been much more productive this weekend. Oh well. At least I had some fun!

Friday night in a basement

Right now, I am chilling in my basement. Please see below basement photo:

I'm doing my laundry. On a Friday night. Because I'm lame. Also, because I would rather do laundry tonight than tomorrow when I should be spending time at school learning more drugs. Woo...


Anywho, I just wanted to do a brief update since this week was insane. Mostly because we had an intense pharmacology exam on Wednesday and a not-as-intense exam this morning. And next week, we have two pretty intense ones. So, you are forewarned: posting will not be regular. You know, like it pretty much always is.


Okay. To the actual point of this entry (because I always have a point when I blog...). This June Challenge is really helping me get my butt to the gym. I would say that more than half the days this week, I really, really didn't want to go to the gym. I told myself I didn't have enough time or that I should spend that time studying or whatever. But, because it's the June Challenge and I told myself I'd go every single day, I had to go every single day. Yeah. Betcha you couldn't have figured that out without me spelling it out for you. You're welcome.


I think my running form is getting better. My knees don't seem to hate me so much for running, but after yoga on Monday (with so many lunges), they were not a fan. It was one of those take-the-maximum-dose-of-ibuprofen-every-four-hours-on-the-hour nights so that I could fall asleep that night and the next day so the inflammation in my knees would go down. It's mostly the right one that's giving me issues. My left one is supposedly the one that is misaligned more, but the right one sucks the most. Go figure.


Anyway, yoga yesterday was so, so hard. The instructor was all, "Let's do planks all hour long!" I mean, not really. But that's how it felt. I was struggling majorly to do them and after the third or so rotation, I was lame and did them on my knees, which is a beginner's plank. But whatever. My core was all, "You are totally a beginner right now." So, that was that. At least I went.

Knee plank: Source

And I must say, it was a pretty good workout for my poor hamstrings, which were so, so tight it was ridiculous. I blame the lunges from Monday. I'm pretty sure they're unrelated, but I'm blaming them anyway.


My eating has been pretty legit, though I'm not going to lie - I haven't been logging everything. Nor have I been taking photos. Although the lack of photos is mostly because I misplaced my camera. Don't worry, I found it again. I'll take some pictures tomorrow.


And the no dessert/no alcohol thing wasn't as much of an issue this week as it was last week when I was PMSing like crazy and all I wanted to do was eat all the foods.


Well, that's pretty much all I've got. Tomorrow I'm hitting up a class at the Y called Total Body Sculpt with some friends. It targets all the major muscle groups which means that lifting today was probably not such a hot idea (you're not supposed to work the same muscle groups two days in a row because they need to rest), but my biceps are tiny and I want them to be bigger. So I guess I'll be hurting and it'll be my own fault. Per usual.


Alright - I'm going to watch some more lectures whilst my clothes dry. I've got one more load that needs to dry so tonight is going to be a pretty late night, buuuut at least it will have been somewhat productive.