Looking back

Lately/the last three days, I've been reading through some of my old blogs. Mostly because I'm narcissistic, but also because I wanted to see what I'd been thinking and eating when I started this blog in 2011. Some things I've noticed is that visiting old med school entries is an invitation to misery. Yikes. My life was studying and gaining weight/hating myself for gaining weight. I was (and still am) scared of failing each exam (though I never did) and always, always, always doubted myself and the work I'd put in. I also let my fear of failure control me a lot - I'd put off studying because I was scared I'd have a hard time; I'd put off practice tests because not doing well was terrifying; I'd put off going to the gym and eating well because I was scared to do something that wasn't studying. Some happier posts were written during my year off when I was just working and going to the gym everyday. I was working out with a personal trainer, learning how to make healthy meals, going out for bike rides, and trying new things. I want to go back to that place. I want to be more confident in me and my abilities. I know that making that change is going to take some time, so I'm hoping that I can make some progress this year.

Also, yesterday, while I was looking over my application (the website was soooo effing slow), I was also watching an older episode of extreme weight loss (Melissa's episode this season). I almost turned it off because she was such a downer. Like she cried all. the. time. And she presented herself as a victim and I was sick of it. No one forced you to eat all the time. No one forced you to drive your lawnmower down your driveway instead of walking down it to get your mail. No one forced you to shove away all your problems. But then as she was losing weight and dealing with her problems, she started turning things around. And then it was all epiphany all the time. And there was one for me: I have totally done what she's done. I've totally made excuses and made myself the victim. Oh sure, med school makes things a million times harder, but I could never tell myself it's going to be okay and taking an hour or two for me is not going to ruin my success.

Anyway, today was a good day 3 of my new one week challenge. Lisa struggled yesterday, but she's still kicking day three's butt, so read about her day three on her blog! For me, if it hadn't been for this challenge, I totally wouldn't have gone to the gym tonight. But holy crap, I'm so glad I did! I got in an awesome workout on the elliptical (while watching another episode of Extreme Weight Loss) and I got to chat with my old neighbors who also go to the Y. So, so glad I went. And when I got home, I made myself a kick ass dinner.

That being said, I was dragging during the day. I didn't exactly pack a legitimate lunch. I packed some fiber plus bars, a banana, grapes, watermelon, pretzels, and blueberries. The fridge is super far away, so I ate the fiber plus bars, banana, and pretzels. And then I really wanted something more substantial, so I grabbed a chicken salad sandwich from the patient food room (the nurses coaxed me into it when I said I was starving and didn't have a proper lunch). And then I was like "Oh shit! Did I just break the challenge?" I'm going with no, but it means I have to do better with packing food for tomorrow. And I also need to take it upon myself to tell the doctor when I'm hungry and thirsty so I can go grab a snack. I tend to wait until I'm extremely hungry or thirsty instead of keeping things level throughout the day.

Anywho, here are some pics from the day:

Breakfast

Snack after work

Pre-gym snack

Snack while I was making dinner

Tomatoes from my mom's garden - I'm almost out!

Dinner!

Dessert!

Today's positive: Owning up to some of my own faults and learning what I need to do to be successful food-wise.