Negative Nancy, photos, and a weigh-in

So I haven't posted in a while. I'm not going to lie, it's mostly because I'm being super lazy right now. I'm on my radiology rotation which requires very little of me. Most of the time I sit there and watch the radiologists read films - it's basically watching someone else think (without them sharing what they're thinking) and since I haven't seen enough of normal, it's hard to point out abnormal. I mean, I can find the big things, but if it's teeny tiny (like a 3 mm lung nodule), I've got nothing. Anyway, on this rotation, I typically spend only a few hours at the hospital (the longest I've stayed is a bit over 5 hours) and then I go home and have little to do. Sure, I should go to the gym. And sure, I should work on my residency application. And sure, I should clean up my apartment, read about radiology, read about gynecology, and work on my suturing and tying, but when you sit and do nothing all morning, it's hard to make yourself do anything in the afternoon. So, for most of the last week, I've done nothing productive. Last week after my impromptu beach trip, I sat around a lot in the afternoons. Over the weekend, I hit up the beach because it was beautiful and on Monday and Tuesday, I hit up the beach in the afternoon again. Unfortunately, the awesome summer weather has ended thanks to this stupid cold front that has moved in.

Now I'm stuck trying to motivate myself to do pretty much anything. And to be honest, I've gotten in a Debbie Downer/Negative Nancy/Sad Sally/Mean Marvin mood (I just made up the last one because why is it only females that are sad?). I've had a hard time treating myself the way I need to be treated. I'm not 100% sure why I'm in a bit of a funk, but I'm pretty sure it's because applying to residencies is fucking terrifying and instead of facing it head on, I've been shying away, eating my feelings, and sitting doing nothing somewhat paralyzed with fear. But after giving myself some serious talking to and reconnecting with myself and my goals, I've told this inner negative Danika to shut the fuck up. Why don't I deserve to feel good? Why don't I deserve to to eat healthy? Why don't I deserve to workout hard? I've got to stop doubting myself and whether I deserve to feel great and I've gotta start believing that there's no reason why I shouldn't. 

With that, I'm happy to say that I hit the gym tonight. I didn't have to wear my ankle brace since I was just doing the elliptical and that doesn't stress out my ankle. Tomorrow, however, I'm going to go to Zumba for the first time since I sprained it (which was three weeks ago this past Tuesday) and I'm definitely going to wear the stupid brace for some added stability. I'm so excited to be going to Zumba again. I have missed it A LOT. If it hurts my ankle, I'll take it easy and modify, modify, modify.

And here are lots of photos for you. I also did a weigh-in (which is below). It was super hard for me to step on the scale knowing that I'd done a fair amount of damage recently. I'm going to start posting weigh-ins on my weigh-in page again so that I'm a bit more accountable. Cheers.

Today's weigh-in; next week's goal is 244.4

Breakfast

Got home late for lunch and was starving so I had to make a sandwich fast

The rest of lunch after I scarfed down the sandwich

Fueling up for the gym

Dinner

Individual guacamole - must get more!

Mango smoothie pre-liquefying

Dinner!

Today's positive: Believing in myself enough to know that I could get to the gym and crush it. 

Another one of those posts...

Alright. I can't tell you how many times I've written posts like this. Well, I probably could if I wanted to take the time and look through all my old posts, but I don't want to do that. What I do like to re-read are nice e-mails, old text conversations, and old facebook conversations. Also, all the Harry Potter books. In fact, I re-read the entire Harry Potter series once a year (typically in the summer). Anyway, back to the original topic: posts that I write all the time.

I am not committed to this weight loss thing. I'm just not. I'm not saying that I don't want to be, I'm just saying that my current behaviors are mostly (like 99.7%) not conducive to losing weight. Here's a list as to why.

1. When eating out, I'm a free woman! Anything and everything! Calories be damned!
2. Packing food. I fucking hate it. I would rather have every single piece of my body hair tweezed out than pack a lunch, a snack, whatever it may be. I would rather re-do my surgery rotation for two years straight (which requires a 4:00 a.m. wake-up daily and multiple 24 hour shifts) than pack food. I would rather listen to someone chewing with their mouth open than pack food. However awful the thought that you're having is - I'd rather do that than pack good.
3. In the same vein, I hate cooking. It takes time. I don't want to think that far ahead.
4. Fast food and drive thrus are so damn convenient.
5. Giving a shit is so much harder than not giving a shit.

I know that all sounds pathetic and lazy and stupid, but I'm not sure how to recommit myself (again). I have been good about going to the gym, so there's that. Buuuuut, as far as controlling my eating, I struggle. And to be honest, I know there's no quick fix. I know it's hard. I know it sucks. And I know that in order to be committed, I need to talk about it with others. I know I need to log calories. I know I need to behave myself. I need to take pictures. I need to blog. I need to be effing shameless about my goals. But I also need to have goals. And they need to be realistic.

So, here we go:

1. Two pounds a week. My goal used to be three pounds a week when I had a personal trainer, but I had a lot more time to dedicate to exercise back in the day. So, I'm going to settle for two (WHICH IS STILL A LOT)
2. No eating after 8:00 p.m.
3. No drive thrus, fast food, or ordering take out. No. Bad. None. Don't even think about it.
4. Pack food. It's going to suck. I'm going to hate it. I'm going to bitch about it all the time. And then I'm going to post pictures, damn it.
5. BLOG. And then blog again. And when the world is caving in and all I want to do is do nothing, I will blog again.
• Currently, I would like to do a challenge called Motivational May where I blog every single day and write either one good thing about the day, one good thing about myself, or one good thing about someone else. You know, to motivate myself to see the positive a bit more cuz if I have to write something positive, I'll have to look for the positive more. IT MAKES SENSE.

So, I'm charging up my camera. And we're doing this. You and Me. Also, I'm doing a weigh-in tomorrow. DO NOT JUDGE ME FOR THE WEIGHT GAIN/we all start somewhere.

Letting my bowels do their thang

So today was a shitty day. Literally. I had diarrhea all day Sunday and then last night post-workout, I had diarrhea again. That happens sometimes when I eat right after working out so I didn't think anything of it until today when my bum exploded...in the toilet. Don't worry. No one was harmed in the making of this blog post. 

The good thing was that instead of 3 hours of lecture this morning, we had 15 minutes of evaluations so I was able to go home from 9:30 to 1. I let my bowels do their thang, napped for a bit, and then headed back to the office. My stomach was kind enough to get its shit together while I was seeing patients, but once I headed home, it kicked up again.

Because my stomach still wasn't feeling it, I walked to the nearest redbox, rented some movies, grabbed some diet 7up and a bagel and walked home to spend my evening on the couch flu-style. I watched Epic and Olympus Has Fallen. I also ate some popcorn because I was still hungry and I figured plain popcorn wouldn't rile anything up.

Now I'm heading to bed and hoping for a better tomorrow. Perhaps both my bowels and the government will get it together for tomorrow. I'm going to go ahead and bet on my bowels ;-)

Breakfast (this was pre-explosion)

Dinner (post-explosion)