Day 15/365: Motivation Struggles

I keep reflecting on the things I did when I was successful with weight loss the first two times. Why? Because the weight is not coming off. And though that's mostly because I'm not doing the things I should be doing, it's because I'm not in the place I was when I lost the weight last time. The last two times I lost the weight, I had people cheering me on. The first time, it was all the women at Curves. It was having people weighing me in every week and having to count on being successful. The second time, it was my personal trainer and my blog community. I posted my food and weight loss photos. This time, though I have a bunch of people supporting me, I'm struggling to find the motivation probably because I don't have any accountability. If I feel like i'm gaining weight, I simply don't post. If I overeat, I'll share and then I'll halfheartedly write, "I'll do better tomorrow." But the thing is, tomorrow comes and I don't feel like doing better or I simply make an excuse as to why I can't do better. So, I've gotta let that go.

I video chatted with one of my friends today to talk about everything - to figure out how to help myself get in the swing of things. We went through all of my excuses and how to combat them. So, I'll rehash them for you and myself.

1. I'm tired after work. Well, so is everyone else. If you want it, you have to go get it. Grab life by the balls. Again, no one can stop a freight train full of fuck yeah

2. All the New Years people make it hard to work out the way I want. Well, suck it up. If you want a machine, ask for it. If your machine is taken, try again. It's not as though there aren't other ways to get a workout in. Grab life by the balls.

3. It's hard to eat healthy. Yeah, no shit. If it were easy, no one would be overweight. I've always read, "Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels." Well, I'm calling bullshit on that tone. But, I will say this: Nothing that makes you feel like shit about yourself is worth the taste.

4. I'm stressed. Yeah, well, residency is hard. Exercise does make you feel better and is a stress buster. Consider yourself lucky that you have a gym membership.

5. I need to study. So, do it after the gym. It's not as though it's going to go anywhere if it doesn't get done.

So, this week is a busy one for me: Tuesday I'm working late, Wednesday I've got a conference in the afternoon, Friday I'm working a 24 hour shift and Saturday I'm working a 24 hour shift. But, I'm going to work on hitting the gym during the week. And I'm going to throw some intermittent fasting into the mix even though it is so totally hard. Here's my plan:

• Monday - work, then gym for 45 - 60 minutes
• Tuesday - working late, then active rest day (maybe some light dancing at home)
• Wednesday - work, then gym for 45 - 60 minutes
• Thursday - work, then gym for 45 - 60 minutes
• Friday - 24 hour shift from Hell
• Saturday - Sleeping and then another 24 hour shift from Hell
• Sunday - Sleeping and going to the gym for as long as my tired body will let me

Best of luck to me! I'm going to try to post everyday this week even if it's just two sentences to let you know how I'm doing with my goals. I'm really going to push myself to help myself get back into the right mind set. I'm also going to do some fasting on Monday and Thursday to snap my body back into things. It scares me to try fasting again because I was really successful with it, but it really is hard and has blown up in my face when I do it wrong. So, uh, yeah, good luck to me.

Cheers!

Zoodle virgin

Well, I promised a weigh-in today despite really not wanting to. Here it is.

So, in the last two weeks, I've gained 5 pounds. I'm not surprised in the least given how I've been eating and lazing around. But I promised to pick myself up. Only, today was a bit crazy and I wasn't really able to...ish.

So, I started the day knowing that I was going to fast. That meant a quick, light breakfast - it was about 290 calories. I forgot to take a picture, but it was 2 egg whites + 1 whole egg, ham, and watermelon. Then I went to work and struggled because I was hungry. But, I didn't give in - even when faced with cake! However, the work day was fucking insane, so that definitely helped. I also ended up staying about 45 minutes late, so my workout time was fucked and I wasn't able to hit the gym before my friend Adam came over for dinner.

Tonight, I cooked for Adam and myself. I really went for it. I have been dying to try zoodles after I bought a spiralizer in July. [For those who don't know, zoodles = zucchini noodles.] And tonight, we finally did it! We had zoodles with marinara sauce, chicken parmesan (a recipe from Cooking Light, so it was healthier), cheddar bay biscuits, and a salad. It was pretty delicious. I was a little unsure about the zoodles, but I could totally make them again. My only thing is that I don't really eat pasta to begin with, so I'm not sure when I'll be making them again.

Anywho, despite being unable to hit the gym, I stayed reasonably active at work and was able to stick to some healthy food choices - especially with Adam here. I didn't eat anything before dinner nor did I snack before dinner. So, it was also a successful fasting day!

Tomorrow I have a lot of surgeries and then clinic in the afternoon so I know it'll be another busy day, but hopefully it'll be just as good. And tomorrow is a personal trainer day, so that's also a positive!

Cheers!

A few bad days doesn't mean failure

I have to admit, I had plenty of time to blog over the weekend, but I didn't want to blog over the weekend because I was eating poorly and I didn't want to admit it. I binged a bit on Saturday and felt bad about myself. And I didn't start to spiral, per se, but I did get into the whole, "Well, you may as well call today a wash," type of feeling. Today, however, I had personal training with my new personal trainer, Jack. And I was a bit nervous because I hadn't been to the gym since last Wednesday given my crazy work schedule - Thursday was late stay (until 6:30), Friday was later stay (until 11pm), and I worked Sunday and Monday (the holiday that most everyone else gets off). Sooo, yes, I could have gone to the gym Saturday, but I was all: I want the afternoon and evening to be with my friends and my morning to catch up with life at home (i.e., cleaning, balancing my budgets, etc).

Anywho, I digress. I met with my personal trainer today and I was nervous because of the lack of working out. I know it hadn't been a full week, but I was all, "Oh, shit. I'm going to be super out of shape and he's going to notice and judge me." And then you know what? I rocked my workout. I got in a good 28 minutes of elliptical before my session and then I rocked my session. Jack had to remind me to take breaks because he told me I was being too much of a machine. But, I wanted to keep the energy up and keep my heart rate up, so I kept on going. We focused on back, triceps, and something else (probably biceps given the way my arms are feeling). I'm probably going to be all jiggly armed tomorrow, which might be a bad thing given the fact that I have 6 surgeries...

Anywho, the eats today were decent. The trough (which is where the residents get free lunch) was legitimately all carbs. I grabbed some veggie lasagna (one scoop) and then one scoop of mac and cheese (which was SO GREASY) and filled the rest of my plate with salad. I ate a pear as well and then was treated to a yogurt by a co-resident when I complained that I was still hungry.

Tomorrow is going to be a fasting day, which should be relatively easy with my back-to-back surgeries. I'm thinking I may also fast on Thursday and Friday because my sweet tooth has been majorly flaring and a nice food reset may be in order. We'll see.

Today's breakfast

Today's dinner

The Memorial Day weekend team

Sunday night reading by the lake

I love being so close to the water!

That's all for now. No weigh-in this week - I'm on my period and I didn't want to face the scale after my overeating this weekend. I'll do a weigh-in next Monday!

What do you do when you've had a bad eating day or meal? How do you convince yourself to hop back on the wagon?

Busy life and feeling down on myself

Sorry for the lack of the blogging lately. I've been stupid busy lately, which I'm sure no one saw coming ;-)

Since chatting with you on Tuesday, I've met with my trainer again, seen Trainwreck, gone to bed at 7:30 and worked until 11 p.m.

On Wednesday I had another training appointment with Troy. This time he created a circuit for me that was pretty hard. First, I did plate pushes, followed by step-knees (where I held some weights and stepped up on an aerobic step), followed by plate pushes again, followed by inchworms, followed by push-ups, followed by sit-ups, followed by battle ropes. I did that twice and then did a circuit where I kept doing the activity until he told me to move on to the next one. After that, I did some wall sits and then did some more battle ropes. It was a hard, sweaty workout and I'm glad it was a full body workout - last time we just focused on back and shoulders and I felt as though I didn't get that great of a workout. This time was way better. After training, I rushed home to change and run to Jimmy John's before meeting up with some other residents to go see Trainwreck, the new Amy Schumer movie. I thought it was pretty good. I'm not her biggest fan given that she can be a bit crude, but I laughed a lot and enjoyed myself.

On Thursday, I was really tired. Likely from staying out so late (read: past 10 p.m.) and I ended up really slowing down during the day Thursday. Thursday was also a fasting day, but I didn't do a great job because I went to Trader Joe's after work and ended up eating a whole bag of turkey jerky (which is only about 250 calories), but I also ate a bunch of watermelon and shrimp. So, I went over my calorie goal for a fasting day and felt kinda shitty about it. Shitty enough to weigh myself Friday morning and discover I'd made no weight loss progress.

Friday I had the distinct pleasure of working the long shift - 7 a.m. to 11 p.m. My Fridays are usually pretty chill with ultrasound in the morning and clinic in the afternoon. Then I covered consults and C-sections in the evening and there were a lot of them. Go figure. But I liked being able to stay busy until I got to go home.

Today I woke up, showered, and went to see the chiropractor for the first time. Given that I'm an MD, most people in my profession think that chiropractors are not real doctors since they never went to medical school. However, they learned something I never did: how to manipulate people's musculoskeletal system. Anywho, since about May, I've been waking up with really bad low back pain and hip pain. It usually goes away a few hours after I wake up, but it's pretty excruciating when I have it. So, I decided it was time to give something a little less traditional a try. 

The chiropractor explained to me that my SI joint were probably out of whack. He explained that lying still on a misaligned SI joint could lead to the kind of pain I was having in the morning and then he adjusted me. He told me to take the rest of the day easy and the real test would be after I'd taken a nap or gone to sleep for the first time - basically, would I still be in pain after waking up? Well, I'm happy to say that after waking up from my nap today, my low back didn't hurt for the first time in at least a month. So, I'm pretty pumped about that. My hips are a bit sore, but I'm pretty sure that's because things have been so massively adjusted. I'm planning on going 1-2 times a week for adjustments for a while. He's being very kind and working with my schedule to allow me to come after work.

Those are my highlights. My lowlights have been some crummy feelings lately. I think I expect a bit too much of myself personally and professionally. I still feel as though I don't know what I'm doing at work and that I have so much to learn that I'm never going to be a competent physician. I know I have to suck for a while, but I'm having a hard time swallowing that pill. I'm used to putting in a lot of work and seeing some rewards, but no matter how hard I try, I'm still slow, stupid, and not so great. On top of all that jazz, I haven't lost any weight this week. So, I'm just a bit down on myself. That being said, I was told by a nurse this week that I was the star intern, so maybe I shouldn't be so damn hard on myself.

Anyway, I'm headed off to work a night shift (7 p.m. to 7 a.m.). Then tomorrow I'm headed to see a med school friend, who will likely help me ground myself in real expectations.

Three photos for you:

Dinner/breakfast today

Thursday's breakfast

Wednesday's breakfast

What do you like to do when you're feeling down? Depending on how down I'm feeling, I'll either talk to someone, work out, or completely avoid all the things.