Bit of a pity [food] party.

Today started out okay, but as I felt my foot throbbing, I slowly spiraled into a pity party. It went something like this: If I can't move more, how do I lose weight? If I can't lose weight, how am I ever going to be healthy? If I can't be healthy, how am I ever going to be happy? Well, I'm never going to lose weight. So I'll never be happy. So, may as well eat my feelings.

Cue: overeating. I had a healthyish breakfast of pesto toast (I made my first ever pesto this weekend) with some tomatoes and then as lunch got closer and closer, I was like I'll order out for lunch. I got a gyro + fries + pita chips + feisty feta dip. I ate all of that food slowly from 12:30 - 5:30, but I ate all of it and definitely didn't need to eat all of it.

So, I ended up feeling worse than my foot did. 

Once home, I skipped out on dinner because I wasn't hungry and then took the kiddos for a walk. Nasur wanted to stay home and clean. Reyah rode her bike and I pulled Zayd in the wagon. No one else was out because the skies looked ominous. But, we lucked out and did our whole walk without any rain. We did bath time and bed time and now I'm trying to think of how to keep myself motivated despite this setback. I felt fine last night, but I'm frustrated today. I'm also worried about tomorrow because it's an OR day and I'm not sure how standing all day on my foot is going to feel. Le sigh. 

Motivational feedback welcome!

Wanted: band for the pity party I'm throwing myself

Warning: this post is extremely whiny and self-deprecating. Also, there are no pictures. If you're feeling brave/sympathetic/as though you can handle reading without pictures, read on. If not, come back tomorrow when I'm feeling more like myself :-)


Every Monday or Tuesday night, I watch Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. If you've never watched the show, here's a quick rundown of how it works: Chris Powell, a personal trainer and "transformation specialist," chooses a new client every episode and commits to spending a year with the person to help them lose weight. The client is usually morbidly obese, ranging from 150-300 pounds overweight. Chris breaks the weight-loss process up into stages.


At the beginning, Chris and the overweight client go to the California Institute for Health and Longevity where Chris teaches them how to work out and works with chefs to teach the client how to eat healthier. Then they go back home and begin stage one, which lasts three months. Chris works out with the person three times a day and stays with them at their house to make sure they're following the proper routine. At the end of three months, they have a weigh-in and if they hit their goal, they get some kind of prize. Then begins stage 2, another three-month period where they have a goal to reach. However, this time, Chris isn't there with them. At the end of stage 2, they have another weigh-in. Following this are stages three and four where the person continues to lose weight and hit their goals or - as it usually tends to happen - they fall off the wagon a bit and miss their goals completely.


And that, my friends, is where I feel I am right now. I feel as though I've fallen off the wagon a bit (like I may still have a finger or two on it, but I'm not nearly as on it as I was in June). I haven't gone to the gym once during the mornings this week (I'm still meeting with Mark in the evenings though). I haven't logged my calories (though I'm not going ridiculously overboard with portions), and I can't seem to motivate myself to get up and do anything. And it's all in my head.


Perhaps this is just PMS, but I'm really down right now. And then I feel dumb about being down because it's not as though I've got it rough. But that thought is quickly replaced with the thought that I'm not worth it. And then I just want to sit and eat because if it's not worth it, why not eat what I want to eat? But then if I do that, I just feel disgusting and then I really feel as though I'm not worth it. Vicious cycle, I know.


On top of that, I just want a damn cookie. Or a piece of cake. Or a milkshake. Or all of the aforementioned blended to make the world's most delicious dessert. But, I told myself no desserts for July. I really, really wish I'd never ever made that goal. But at this point if someone put a plate of brownies in front of me and told me to eat just one, I'd probably grab the plate, run away, and then eat the whole damn thing. So, no, I can't let myself have one little bite or one day off because I know I'll just go insane and eat as many as humanly possible in one sitting.


And then today I was thinking about this week's episode of the Glee Project when Hannah was trying to learn some new dance moves that were a bit more risqué than normal. And I could completely sympathize with her when she said she had a hard time doing those moves because she's never seen herself as sexy. I don't know that I've ever felt sexy either. And maybe that's how all this crappy thinking began, but I feel as though I'm never going to get there, that I'm never going to look good, that no man would ever want to be with me, and so on. And it's hard to motivate yourself to do anything when you feel ugly and undesirable. Mostly I just want to curl up and do nothing. But instead, I thought I'd blog, get it all out and then work on starting fresh tomorrow.


So, though I have a lot of negative energy right now, I'm making a countdown to the beginning of medical school so that I can tear off a page everyday (it starts in exactly one calendar month from tomorrow). And I'm going to write positive reminders to myself to help motivate myself. And damn it, I'm going to get up at 5:30 tomorrow and get my fat butt to the gym because doing nothing is just going to make me feel worse. 

I'm hosting a pity party and you're invited! RSVP below.

It's been a little while since my last weigh-in. So, it should come as a shock to you when I say I've lost a bajillion pounds! Juuuust kidding. Actually, I've gained a few.

Last time, I was 226.2, so needless to say this was a tad disappointing. But before you jump to the comment section to tell me that you're ashamed of me, let's talk about today.


This morning I didn't wake up for the gym. I have personal training on Wednesdays and I decided that I'd just do some extra cardio either before or after my workout to make up for not going this morning. I was just too tired, despite the fact that I went to bed early last night (11:00 p.m.). But I did wake up early enough to eat a good breakfast!

This morning, work was super lame. Carrie complained a lot, I didn't have much to do, and I just didn't feel like being there. I spent some time an hour playing solitaire on my phone and feeling sorry for myself for having a job I dislike so much. Lunchtime eventually rolled around, and I went to the volunteer appreciation luncheon at the country club. Basically, it was me, and bunch of people 60+ years of age enjoying a (not so delicious) free lunch. I came late and left early, but enjoyed listening to the things old, retired people talk about. For example, there was discussion of pickling things, rhubarb, flowers, Alaska, winter homes, HIV (don't ask) and denture cleaning.


After the luncheon, I went back to work and finished up some stuff that I had prepped in the morning. Then, I did some monotonous data work-up, and was left with nothing to do, so I stole Sheli's 30 tubes and prepped them for her out of sheer boredom. Then I played more solitaire, got fed up with the boredom and left early to go home, have a snack, and put on my sexcessory since I promised Mark I'd wear it on Wednesday.

Half of this was a snack for me - yum!

And since I know you're dying to see the sexcessory in action, I took a pic of me wearing it.

Don't worry, your arousal is nothing to be ashamed of. Just kidding. It's not so sexy, I know. And because it cuts into my leg and rubs my thigh raw, I have to wear this damn sleeve underneath it to protect my skin. It's basically like wearing a legging that never touches your butt or ankle. Yeah, it's awkward.


At training today, Mark and I worked out outside. He told me to stand in the sun to get some color. I told him he should just share some of his melanin with me (he's black...that's why it's funny). But, training kind of sucked. He kept trying to get me to do some exercises, but they either hurt my knees or I couldn't do them because I'm still super out shape. And maybe I was having a bad attitude, but I was really frustrated. You'd think after training for 5 months and working out pretty consistently that I'd be able to do more. But I still suck. 


At the end of the workout, I told him that I was disappointed and nearly started crying. And then I think I made him feel bad because he's doing the best he can in terms of working with my crappy knees. But we've decided that it's time to ramp up my workouts from this point on. We're going to focus more on cardio and I need to focus more on my diet.


On my way home, I did cry a bit, but decided that instead of wallowing in self pity (which would result in eating my feelings) that I would go rollerblading (or as I like to call it "blading," so it sounds more bad ass). So after a delicious protein shake, I pulled out my rollerblades and transformed into a blading bad ass.

My blades

My mom got me these blades for my birthday 3 years ago (I think) and I haven't really touched them since that summer. And I wasn't very good that summer either. I kind of shoved them in my closet after I had a pretty bad wipe out that required Jenna to rub antibiotic ointment near my ass. So, I'm proud to say that even though stopping and turning are still major struggles, I bladed for 45 minutes. Without falling. It was pretty awesome. I don't know when I'll be able to do it again since the weather is supposed to go back to being suckworthy, but I'm thinking I'll try to make it a 3x a week thing once it's warm again. And then perhaps I'll be able to conquer turning and stopping (because throwing yourself into a pole is not so fun).


After blading, I came back in and made another salad for dinner. It was awesome, per usual. And because it was so gorgeous outside, I ate it on my balcony.

Salad o' awesomeness

View from my dinner seat

For dessert tonight, I was pretty pumped about this:

Dairy-free green tea ice cream? Um, yes please. But it turns out that since it was made from coconut milk, it tasted more like coconut than green tea. HUGE letdown since I hate coconut. I had about one spoonful and shoved it back into my freezer. I shall be giving it away this weekend.


After dinner, I chatted with a few friends, watched Modern Family (since my cable is still free!) and am now blogging. I should have cleaned my living room like I said I would, but you know what? No one else is living in this filth and I just didn't want to.


All in all, today was kind of crappy and disappointing. I'm disappointed that I gained weight, I'm disappointed that I'm still super out of shape, and I'm disappointed that the green tea ice cream was not nearly as delicious as I hyped it up to be. But, life is full of disappointments. I just have to keep on trucking. Or perhaps I should change that phrase to "I just have to keep on blading." Yeah, that's definitely more bad ass.


What are you doing now that the weather is nicer? Do you prefer exercising indoors or outdoors?