The internet is for judging

Well, in preparation for my oral surgery, I overate to excess at the end of the week last week. I took pictures, but admittedly was too embarrassed about how much I ate to want to post anything. I didn't want to be judged for my fat assness. Because let's face it, the internet exists to judge people.

I had my bone graft/little surgery on Monday. I'm still working on recovering. He warned me the swelling would be impressive, but good God. Impressive is an understatement. He failed to warn me that I would require antibiotics every 6 hours for a whole week, so that's been super fun. I have an alarm set on my phone so I don't miss any. I also take my pain meds at that time. It's been a lot more painful than I expected. It's totally manageable with pain meds, but you can't take those forever. I just ate some soup for dinner and now the pain has spiked again because opening my mouth, even to get a spoon in, sucks a lot. I'm not sure what else to do. I suppose I could straight up drink everything, but it's a sad life to eat without texture and/or chewing. I'm already bored with the diet I'm stuck with. Here's a series of swelling photos for your entertainment.

So, anywho, I've stocked up on soup. I made mediocre pudding. I've got applesauce. I bought some mousses from Walmart. Nothing is that appealing so I opted to get some French onion soup delivered from Panera tonight. I bought the sharing portion for $25 because a bowl was $10 and I wanted to get my money's worth. Well, pretty sure I didn't get my money's worth. They said it served 4 and I must say, you've gotta really hate your guests if you think you can get 4 servings out of this. Also $25 for this? Ridiculous. 

Anyway, I've got a full OR day tomorrow, so it's off to bed early for me after I ice my fast some more.

Consistency, wherefore art thou, consistency?

Doing this whole weight loss thing again is hard. I think it's even harder this time around because I am judging myself so much harder. I remember when I first started this whole thing back in 2010/2011 and I celebrated being able to run a mile nonstop. I was so excited. Like literally beaming with pride for myself. It didn't matter that it took over 12 minutes, I was pumped. But, now even though I probably couldn't run a mile nonstop, I cringe at the fact that I celebrated that. Like, I should be able to run a mile. Can't most healthyish folks run a mile? See? I'm even judging younger me. But what I should be doing is setting goals and working towards them and celebrating my achievements along the way rather than shaming myself for not being able to do them in the first place. So, why am I not doing that? I don't know. Ask my brain. It's the one running this shit show.

Today I had an impromptu day at home. I was supposed to be in the office, but Reyah became Pukey McPukerson, so I stayed home with her and had a tiny bit of time to organize my thoughts, my refrigerator, and goals. First, I ordered foods that I know I've enjoyed in the past to make sure I've got the things on hand that I like. Because I couldn't venture out, I did my first Walmart+ delivery and it was pretty legit. I prefer to pick out my produce, but the shopper did just fine, so maybe that's a good way to get some time back during the week. Next, I contemplated what my next goal should be. As the weather gets warmer, I'd like to bust out my roller blades again. I'm so not good, but I would love to get better. I'd also like to be more consistent with my weight lifting. I love, love, love lifting weights and building muscle, but it took me 6 months to work up the courage to do it again. And I was pretty proud of myself for doing it. Last goal is to talk about this more. I think one of the reasons I've been successful in the past is because I made it a priority and talked to a lot of folks about what I was doing. This time I feel like I'm hiding in shame because a) I'm embarrassed that I'm doing this again but b) because if I'm not always on the forward progress train, it feels like a failure. Also, I really need to loop in Nasur, which is a bit of mindfuck for me. By telling him what I'm doing and working really hard at it, he has a front row seat to my binges, failures, faults, etc. He has only judged me once (one time, when pregnant, he asked me if I was planning to eat a whole bag of some type of chip/pretzel/etc because I kept closing it and then going back for more, but we were in the car, he was driving, and constant snacking was the only thing that kept my super not awesome first trimester nausea at bay) and obviously I still remember it. So, I'm scared that he will be judging me/ashamed of me too, if that makes sense.

Last goal: Writing in this damn thing again. Even if it's only a sentence because it does hold me accountable. It's hard to do it on the regular with my garbage schedule, what with call ruining the 24 hour that I'm on call and the 24 hours after, but I have got to stop using that as an excuse and adapt to the trash that is my work schedule.

Anywho, cheers! Here's a weigh-in so we can all judge me together!

Well, fuck