Day 15/365: Motivation Struggles

I keep reflecting on the things I did when I was successful with weight loss the first two times. Why? Because the weight is not coming off. And though that's mostly because I'm not doing the things I should be doing, it's because I'm not in the place I was when I lost the weight last time. The last two times I lost the weight, I had people cheering me on. The first time, it was all the women at Curves. It was having people weighing me in every week and having to count on being successful. The second time, it was my personal trainer and my blog community. I posted my food and weight loss photos. This time, though I have a bunch of people supporting me, I'm struggling to find the motivation probably because I don't have any accountability. If I feel like i'm gaining weight, I simply don't post. If I overeat, I'll share and then I'll halfheartedly write, "I'll do better tomorrow." But the thing is, tomorrow comes and I don't feel like doing better or I simply make an excuse as to why I can't do better. So, I've gotta let that go.

I video chatted with one of my friends today to talk about everything - to figure out how to help myself get in the swing of things. We went through all of my excuses and how to combat them. So, I'll rehash them for you and myself.

1. I'm tired after work. Well, so is everyone else. If you want it, you have to go get it. Grab life by the balls. Again, no one can stop a freight train full of fuck yeah

2. All the New Years people make it hard to work out the way I want. Well, suck it up. If you want a machine, ask for it. If your machine is taken, try again. It's not as though there aren't other ways to get a workout in. Grab life by the balls.

3. It's hard to eat healthy. Yeah, no shit. If it were easy, no one would be overweight. I've always read, "Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels." Well, I'm calling bullshit on that tone. But, I will say this: Nothing that makes you feel like shit about yourself is worth the taste.

4. I'm stressed. Yeah, well, residency is hard. Exercise does make you feel better and is a stress buster. Consider yourself lucky that you have a gym membership.

5. I need to study. So, do it after the gym. It's not as though it's going to go anywhere if it doesn't get done.

So, this week is a busy one for me: Tuesday I'm working late, Wednesday I've got a conference in the afternoon, Friday I'm working a 24 hour shift and Saturday I'm working a 24 hour shift. But, I'm going to work on hitting the gym during the week. And I'm going to throw some intermittent fasting into the mix even though it is so totally hard. Here's my plan:

• Monday - work, then gym for 45 - 60 minutes
• Tuesday - working late, then active rest day (maybe some light dancing at home)
• Wednesday - work, then gym for 45 - 60 minutes
• Thursday - work, then gym for 45 - 60 minutes
• Friday - 24 hour shift from Hell
• Saturday - Sleeping and then another 24 hour shift from Hell
• Sunday - Sleeping and going to the gym for as long as my tired body will let me

Best of luck to me! I'm going to try to post everyday this week even if it's just two sentences to let you know how I'm doing with my goals. I'm really going to push myself to help myself get back into the right mind set. I'm also going to do some fasting on Monday and Thursday to snap my body back into things. It scares me to try fasting again because I was really successful with it, but it really is hard and has blown up in my face when I do it wrong. So, uh, yeah, good luck to me.

Cheers!

Trapped in my own head

Last night, a friend of a friend (whom I don't know too well) told me that I may as well not work out when I told her that when we met up for dinner, we should go someplace where I could get pizza and/or fries. Now, to be fair, she doesn't know me well and she doesn't know that I'm struggling with food, working out, being healthy, etc. But, holy shit, did I freak out...because that's what I do. I felt judged and after that response, like I couldn't eat those things around her. So, after my workout, I ate waaay too much food so I wouldn't be hungry when we went out for dinner. Granted, I kept it pretty healthy, but I had carrots with some yogurt ranch dressing, pretzels, slices of cheese, a yogurt, and fiber one snacks. It was more than I would normally eat, but I was so preoccupied with feeling like I should fill up now and that I shouldn't eat fries or pizza (which is what I was craving) that I couldn't focus on anything else. It's stupid. And I'm annoyed that I have so many preoccupations with food. But, I have them. And instead of enjoying pizza or fries, I freak out. Because, to be honest, I know that to be successful, I shouldn't be eating those things. But at the same time, holy fuck, that's all I want. Struggggggles. And it's hard when you feel judged every time you order something that isn't healthy. Like, last semester, I bought a donut at the hospital cafeteria and all I could think of was how the employee at the cash register must be thinking that this fat woman really does not need a donut. HOLY FUCK. IT'S JUST A DONUT. But to me, it's a pastry filled with guilt and shame. And I don't need it. But I wanted it. And I felt as though I should eat it in secret or let as few people as possible know that I was eating that because me, being overweight and having gained weight recently, didn't need the donut. AND I DIDN'T EVEN ENJOY IT BECAUSE I WAS TOO TRAPPED IN MY OWN FUCKING HEAD.

Ughs. I'm so sick of this. I don't know how to stop myself from feeling bad about one indulgence. But when other people comment, it makes it that much harder. Because, trust me, anything you've said, I've thought at least 10 times already.

And I know this guilt and shame is self induced. And I'm trying to stop. I am. But justifying every single fucking thing you put in your mouth is just exhausting. For example, today I made myself English muffin pizzas. Now, they're pretty healthy: whole wheat English muffin, tomato sauce, low fat cheese...and then I add pepperoni. Why? Because I fucking like pepperoni. But then, do I need the pepperoni? No. Is the pepperoni good for me? No. It adds anywhere from 60-100 calories and anywhere from 6-10 grams of fat. So, anywho, today when I was making myself English muffin pizzas, I was thinking about how if I were really committed to losing weight, I would stop adding pepperoni. But I really do like the pepperoni. Do you see what I mean? I am constantly second guessing what I eat. It's stupid. And yet I do it.

Okay, let's move on.

On a positive note, things are going better in terms of getting myself to the gym. I've remembered how much I like lifting weights. I like feeling strong and I like having defined muscles, so I'm looking forward to the changes that will bring. I also like the feeling of having accomplished something, even if it is just one workout. I'm also started to get more optimistic. It helps that Spring is finally making itself known.

And, since I don't know how to end this [now that I've probably horrified you], here are food pictures:

Today's immediate post-workout food cuz I didn't want to wait until I'd made the whole breakfast

The rest of breakfast

Lunch

Counter to Success!
Gym days this week: 3
Total gym days during this challenge: 3
Days without sweets or weighing myself: 5
Days without eating past 8 p.m.: 4

Struggle day

So I really, really didn't want to run a 5k today. And I think that mental block made itself known in my actual running. I couldn't do it. I ended up running only 2 miles and calling it quits. My body just wasn't up to it. I wasn't up to it and it just didn't happen. But that's okay. Kinda. I happen to be signed up for a 5k next Saturday. Sooo, I guess I'm going to be doing it sooner or later regardless...?


Anyway, I'm ramping up this week's workouts...ish. I'm going to try my hand at running 1.5 miles everyday rather than 1. I'm pretty sure I can make it. I'll just have to rethink my timing for when I take my shoes off. We shall see how it goes. I just don't want to die on Saturday. Or stop. Those are my two goals: no stopping or dying. The end.


I was a good girl with my studying today. But now I'm pooped and I have to be at school at 8 a.m. tomorrow, so I'm off to bed. Enjoy today's photos!

Breakfast

Lunch

Lunch part 2

Eggs I massacred while peeling...

First time making devilled eggs = a struggle

Protein smoothie that I made after coming back from a pool study party since they all had ice cream

Dinner, which looks enormous in this pic, but really isn't 

See? Just a single serving of Amy's vegetable lasagna