Calorie tracking

I'm exhausted. I was on call yesterday, but really needed a day to get shit done, so I decided to power through. I ran hella errands today: awesome gym session, contact lens pick up, dollar store trip, phone return, Trader Joe's, car wash, FedEx, Costco, Walmart, and Target. And I got most of the stuff I wanted to get done done, but I'm pooped now because of it.

Right now I'm poaching some chicken to make a pesto chicken salad. I am waiting until it's completely made to calculate the calories, since I'm back to calorie tracking. The poach is taking far longer than I anticipated. The recipe said 20 minutes, but the internal temp isn't quite at 165F, which I'm fairly certain is the temperature chicken is supposed to be cooked to, so I'm waiting not so patiently. It's the only thing standing between me and bed time. 

While shopping today, I tried to pick up some things that I know are relatively healthy and easy for me to eat at work. But, man, the protein bar game has significantly changed since I was last looking. I ended up buying both variety packs of protein bars from Costco in addition to some fiber one protein bars. We shall see. Today I tried both the fiber one protein bars, causing me to go a little over my calorie counts for the day, but they're decent. Nothing amazing, but they don't taste like chalk. How's that for a review for you, lol.

Lunch

Green tea: No calories!

High protein snack

Dinner (believe it or not, the rice and meat servings are less than the recommended serving size)

Reyah wanted a photo of her food

So did Zayders

Nasur did not want his photo taken

Reyah wanted a second photo

I was impressed these were only 90 calories, but it's because they're tiiiiiiny

Tomorrow I have my last physical therapy session after work. I'm unsure how that'll affect my ability to get to the gym. It might be an elliptical at home sort of day. We shall see. 

Here's today's breakdown:

Catch up!

Sorry for my lack of posts, my millions of fans! I've just been so utterly exhausted with all the call lately. I was on call again on Monday and got very little sleep. Thankfully, I'm not on call again until next Saturday!

I also haven't been to the gym in a while. So, today, after the office, I headed to the gym and did an hour's worth of walking. It felt fine while I was walking, but man oh man, my feet were killing me afterwards. My stomach was also rebelling. So, I laid on my bed in misery until Nasur came home with the kids and taco bell. 

Tonight was also journal club night. I was hosting, so I put out a bunch of cheese and crackers and some wine I picked up. We talked about transgender medicine and how to better serve our transgender patients. After journal club, I cleaned up and am getting ready for bed. I used my plantar fasciitis spiky ball a lot tonight, so I hope my feet recover soon. I need to get some new shoes, but my newish shoes are not super comfortable, so I've been using older shoes that apparently aren't doing the trick. I'm cruising Amazon for other options. We shall see!

Oh, also yesterday was my second visit with my obesity med doc. I've got one more dose of Ozempic at 0.25mg and then will move up to 0.50mg for four weeks. I think it's made a huge difference in my life so far and we discussed that and if I'm having any side effects. We also reviewed my labs and she did say that my fasting insulin was a bit elevated, though it still was documented in the normal range. She said that is contributing a bit to my difficulty in weight loss. Who knew? Makes me feel slightly better that it's not just me failing at losing weight but my basal insulin working against me. 

My baked brie prior to baking

Planning a weigh in tomorrow or Friday. 

Chock full o' photos for you!

You guys. I'm sorry that I didn't do a legit post Friday nor did I do one at all yesterday. Let me explain, show you pictures (as an apology because I know you're just here for the food porn) and explain what life has in store for me this week. 

So, Friday was exhaustion day. We had the all-day learning thing in East Lansing. Some of it: very helpful. A minority of it: waste of time. But it was the getting up at 5:30 a.m. that was a bit rough for me. It's not that I'm not a morning person, it's that I have a hard time getting out of bed. Once I'm awake, I feel ready to begin the day. But getting awake is...more painful than having a bone sawed in half without anesthesia difficult. Anywho, I was dragging Friday. I still went to Zumba Friday night because it's a standing date I have with some friends and then I vegged and watched a movie.

Saturday, I had to head to the hospital to work. Wasn't thrilled with this, but it is what it is. I got out earlier, around 11:30, but we're only supposed to work until noonish. Then I came home, cleaned up a bit from Friday since I didn't really feel like doing anything Friday and then headed to Kalamazoo to see my sister's new place post-move, help her hang some pictures, and head out to look for bar stools. We were supposed to go shopping for shoes for me, but my feet are w i d e and it's damn near impossible to find shoes that fit me without make me wish I had extreme nerve damage in them so I wouldn't be able to feel them. That was a bust. But she does have in-unit laundry so I did get to do two loads of laundry. We went to dinner and then I finally headed home around 10, meaning I was less than thrilled to wake up and go to the hospital today.

This morning, I realized I didn't have my badge to get into the hospital, meaning that I couldn't get into the parking lot or the office. I parked in the not-for-employees area that isn't badge-access only and then someone let me into the office where my ID was sitting and waiting for me. At least I didn't lose it...phew.

This afternoon, I did some deeper cleaning, made some lunch, put away the laundry, wasted time on the interwebs, and then hit up the grocery store. I finally bought some watermelon and cantaloupe. These two fruits alone are one of the reasons I love summer so much. They are awful when they're not in season, but they are the best right now. And they were cheap...ish. Baller.

I also cooked a legit dinner: roasted garlic macaroni and cheese using this recipe. It was a lot of work for someone who doesn't care to cook, like me. But I figured: I love garlic. I love cheese. Noodles? Eh, they're okay. Why not? Well, I am not so pleased to say that I didn't much care for it. This may be my fault as I skipped the mustard, salt, and pepper. I skipped them because I don't like the taste of mustard much, because you don't really need to add more salt to pasta and pepper is just okay. Anywho, I decided to toss it. I know, I know. What a waste. But why eat something that is likely pretty high in calories and not like it when you could actually like something you eat? Exactly. Tossing it was the right answer. Plus, it'd take up massive amount of fridge space because it made a lot.

So, here are some photos for you before we move on to this week's plan.

Friday's breakfast

Post-zumba snack

Friday's "dinner"

Saturday's breakfast

Saturday's lunch

Cleaning Saturday afternoon

All better - small kitchens must be kept clean

Saturday afternoon snack

Breakfast

Badge!

Epic sandwich for lunch

Finishing off the salsa before grocery shopping

I laugh at this ever time I take out my trash. I'm immature.

Tonight's dinner: Roasted garlic mac and cheese

SO HAPPY

Apparently this recipe makes a lot

You may have noticed that there is no weigh-in from Friday. This is because I didn't put my camera in the bathroom the night before, so I forgot until I was mid-shower and, as a rule, I always weigh myself after my first pee before doing anything else. Plus, when I was done breakfasting and was still in my bathrobe, I opted to get on and it said 238 so I decided I didn't want to get all depressed over a number and just skip a week. Plus, I'd like to change my weigh-in date to Mondays to keep myself motivated to stay on track over the weekend. Thus, my next weigh in will be on Memorial day. Stay tuned, folks.

Other plans for this week: I start nights tomorrow. I don't make that switch very gracefully, so I'll probably bitch and moan about it. This means that I will likely go to the gym in the mornings when no one's around or go to zumba at 6 on Monday and Wednesday because I don't have to be at work until 8pm. We'll see. I'll keep you posted. Either way, I need to get moving. Also planned for this week is getting my shit together. This is the beginning of week 3 of this rotation and I haven't done very much studying. Get ready for lots of "I'm studying" photos.

Cheers, folks!

I need to be who I want to be

Let's get real for a second. And when I say a second, I really mean several minutes, mostly because I'm certain that this entry will take longer than one second for you to read. But, we're going to get real. For a second, a minute, whatever. Realness. Starting now.

Guilt. Validation. Insecurity. We're going to talk about all of these things because I think they're all related.

First of all: guilt. I have food guilt; I have medical student; I have procrastination guilt; I have relaxation guilt; I have friend guilt; I have daughter guilt; I have cat mom guilt; I have sister guilt; I have girlfriend guilt. I feel guilty A LOT. Like probably too much.

Let's start with food guilt. Ever eat something and then IMMEDIATELY afterwards regret it? Like, oh, I don't know, let's say you ate like four paczki because you're a fucking idiot and then immediately afterwards, you're like "Fuck. I should not have done that." Or maybe you ate half a medium pizza and afterwards you're like, "Well I'm the fucking worst person. Why can't I control myself?" Or maybe you told yourself you were going to eat macaroni and cheese instead of something that was probably much less waist line damaging and then afterwards you were like, "Definitely SHOULD NOT have eaten that mac and cheese." I'm fucking sick of it. Yes, there are good things to eat and bad things to eat, but GOOD GOD I spend so much time yelling at myself and hating myself for it. WHAT GOOD IS THAT? What good comes from me sitting and hating myself for a whole day (or a whole fucking week)? Like this makes no sense. So what? You ate one donut. Is the day ruined? No! Did you need that donut? No, but no one ever technically needs a donut. Just enjoy something for once. But instead of enjoying a donut, I make myself eat like four donuts to punish myself for eating one. If I'd just stuck with one, I might have been able to enjoy it. But instead I feel like a worthless piece of shit and then I'm like well, if I'm going to be a fat ass for life, may as well eat three more donuts and get fatter. But what I fail to realize is that I shouldn't feel guilty for eating one donut. Should I do it everyday? No. But is one donut once in a while going to kill me? No. And would it kill me to just let it be rather than lose my shit about it? No.

Medical student guilt is FUCKING EXHAUSTING. For example last week was the end of my pediatrics rotation and my psych rotation started today. I usually go home over the weekend after an exam. But this weekend I didn't feel like it. Why? Because I'm still recovering from the virus from hell, because I was tired, because I wanted to spend my nothing weekend doing nothing...for once. But instead I sat around feeling guilty because technically I could have been studying for psych. Or I could have been doing some things for research. Or I could have been doing some studying for my next board examination. But I laid around instead. And instead of enjoying my relaxation, I just felt guilty for being a lazy fuck and not doing much work. And on nights when I don't do much studying (or study at all), I feel incredibly guilty. Like I'm unworthy of being a doctor because a good doctor would be studying all the time. But that's exhausting. And hating yourself for not studying is also exhausting. Hence the procrastination guilt and relaxation guilt.

And friend guilt? Friend guilt sucks too. Your friends stop calling because they think you're busy all the time when really you could totally take a break. Or feeling guilty because you only call your friends when you need something/need someone to talk to. You just feel guilty. Daughter and sister guilt are along the same lines, but it's about ten times worse because these are the people who are supporting you and they deserve something in return for that but sometimes you can't muster up the time or the returned support. And it's exhausting feeling like a jack ass because you don't want to make a trip home. But sometimes you just don't want to make the drive. But then you know you're offending someone. And it's stupid because they don't understand why you don't want to drive and it's just one drive, so what's the big deal. But you don't want to. You just don't. But then you feel guilty about that, too.

Moving on: validation.

Okay, when the fuck did I start to care so much about what people think about me? Maybe it started this year when we began getting WATCHED BY EVERYONE AROUND US. Literally, that's what third year is: it's where you're evaluated by all the doctors above you: interns, residents, attendings, etc. Your every move is being watched and all of a sudden you're a people pleaser on crack. Like serious amounts of crack. Like drug lord amounts. And it's ridiculous. I haven't really ever cared much about what other people think, but holy shit, now it's all I think about. Like when I took off some time because I COULDN'T EVEN SPEAK because I lost my voice, I was terrified that people thought I was being a slacker. I mean, I literally couldn't communicate with my patients or their parents and I was worried that I would get bad evaluations because of it. Psh - who am I kidding? I'm still scared.

And why do I need everyone else to tell me that I'm okay? Why do I need other people to tell me I'm worth it? Why do I need other people to tell me that I work hard? Because I'm insecure, folks.

And I'm insecure because I eat four fucking donuts in a sitting because I'm feeling so guilty and I'm so afraid that if someone doesn't validate me that eating my feelings will help. IT IS FUCKING EXHAUSTING.

I need to just be happy with me. I need to do things that make me happy. But I don't. I don't know why. Maybe because someone hasn't given me permission. Maybe because I'm scared that I don't deserve to be happy because I'm not studying; maybe because I'm feeling guilty about being unwilling to make trips home; maybe because I'm scared that if I do what I want, someone else will think it's a bad idea and then I'll be back to feeling insecure.

But this has got to stop. I've got to learn to be enough for myself. I've got to learn to do things for me that make me happy. So what if it sounds selfish? I'm tired of letting what other people think literally rule my life. It's stupid. It's exhausting. And I'm not happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to take a night off from studying. I deserve to want to spend a weekend doing what I  want. I deserve to eat a donut if I want a donut. I don't need to punish myself. I don't need to feel guilty. I don't need someone else's validation. I don't need to be insecure. I never used to be this person and I don't want to be this person anymore. I need to be who I want to be. So, fuck it, I'm going to start being that person.

We'll go back to the regularly scheduled program tomorrow.

More commonly known as sleeping...

So, this weekend, I did a little something that I like to call remaining unconscious for a long period of time. This is more commonly known as "sleeping." You see, I kind of got myself wrangled into working about 18 hours on Friday and I was a bit tired so I slept in Saturday, took a nap Saturday, stayed up late, slept in Sunday and then couldn't get to bed last night until 2:30ish. Not a good thing given that I have to be up and semi-competent at the hospital by 6:45 a.m., which means my alarm goes off at 5:30. Needless to say, I'm exhausted. But I did weigh in today at 229 even. My goal for next week is 226. I'm going to reach that goal by keeping good track of my calories and by hitting the gym tomorrow as well as going to yoga with a few friends on Wednesday.

Anywho, I have to be at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. tomorrow, so I'm going to hit the sack now so I'm not dead tomorrow. 

Certifications, Cycling, and Sweat

This was the post I was going to post yesterday, but my interwebs were being stupid while this huge storm tore through Grand Rapids. So, here's yesterday's recap and you'll find today's good stuff after:


Tuesday


Today's post is going to be a quick one. Must. Get. Sleep!


This morning was early, though fortunately not as early as yesterday. We didn't have to be at the Secchia Center until 8 a.m. So, breakfast was oats, eggs, and a banana!

It didn't end up lasting me that long, so I'm glad I packed snacks!

And in case you were wondering what I wore, here's a pic!

The morning sessions included the following: building safety, blood borne pathogens, and yet another student panel about academics. Then it was lunch time! A lot of people went to the children's hospital and ate in their cafeteria, but since I live so close (>10 minute walk), I decided to go home and have lunch there instead.


When I got home, my free Kashi sample was in my mailbox!

It took me more than two bites to eat this

Then I made a quick and healthy lunch:

After lunch, I became certified in basic life skills. So, I can do CPR, use an AED, and resuscitate people who are choking. I even got a certification card to carry with me. Fascinating, I know.


Once I became certified, I came home and got ready for the gym. I ran a mile, did a tiny bit of weights and abs, and then went and changed into my cycling shorts so I could do my first spinning class. 

Sexy cycling outfit

The instructor's name was Deb and she took us on a "15 mile tour of California." There were lots of hills and I was definitely standing up a bit. But it was worth it because I burned about 450 calories in about 45 minutes. At the end, I was impressed with the amount of sweat pouring out of every orifice of my body. It was a bit ridiculous. But I definitely loved the challenge and will be going back for more.


After the gym, I went out and consumed all the calories I just burned. Whoops. I met up with Matt, Kristen, and Jack at TGIFriday's and had the 3-course thing for $12.99. I had the potsticker appetizers and chicken bruschetta pasta followed by the cheesecake. As I was starved, I gobbled up my potstickers right away. When the pasta came, all I could taste was the butter. So, after two forkfuls, I picked out all the chicken and had the rest boxed up to send home with Matt. I also had a strawberry daiquiri and buttery nipple. I know alcohol has a lot of calories, but I decided to treat myself because I haven't had much fun since orientation started.


After dinner, we headed to see Fright Night.

Mostly I went because Colin Farrell is hot, but wow. That was a bad movie. The best part of it was the few minutes where I was eating my cheesecake while watching. The rest of it was just cheesey and predictable. And yet Matt was still freaking out.


Afterwards, I drove home in the rain and then got ready for bed right away.


Wednesday
Today we had to report to Orientation at 7:45 a.m. Ughsss. Soo early! Forunately, I prepped everything last night so I wouldn't have to wake up any earlier than absolutely necessary. So, oats for breakfast! I also had some strawberries and yogurt (I was out of eggs, otherwise I would've had some of those).

We had sessions until noon. Today's were about career development, what to wear while in clinic, professionalism, and probably something else I've already forgotten. It was rough staying alert and focused. So mostly I just sat and played solitaire on my phone while listening.


At noon, we were excused for lunch. Today's lunch theme was spinach. I had a spinach salad and made a spinach pizza.

Though I really, really wanted to eat the whole pizza (I was really hungry), I decided to practice some self control and eat only half (which is how much I usually eat - it's a smaller pizza).


I got back to the Secchia Center at 1:15 (when we needed to be there) and found my group for the afternoon's community service activity. I, along with 10 other students, went to Baxter Community Center and cleaned for the afternoon. I really, really, really wish we got to do more things like this, not because I like doing community service (I don't mind volunteering), but because I really liked being able to talk to people and get to know some kids better. I feel as though I may have actually made a friend!


After volunteering, Mike dropped me off at home (he was our team leader since he's a second year) and then I decided I wanted a quiet night in. I didn't want to go to the gym, I just wanted to do some laundry and get a few more things put away. So I started a load of laundry and then ate the other half of the pizza for dinner.


Yesterday Curt told me to call him when I was done for the day, so I decided to go ahead and do that. I was flirting with the idea of just going to bed, but I gave him a call instead. He ended up coming over and hanging out for about 3 hours. Pretty much we just chatted as I continued to unpack and then we ran to meijer so I could get some more eggs. And because Curt is awesome, he took me to the nice meijer (the last two I've tried have been a tad janky...). He left after I put most of my groceries away and went to pick up his wife from work. And then I logged on to here to update you all on my interesting life!


Now, however, I have some bad news for you. I probably won't post tomorrow as there's a baseball game that a bunch of first-years are going  to. I figure I'll go (despite the fact that I hate baseball) because it should be a good opportunity to get to know some more people.


How are things with you going? Are any of you starting school again soon?