Negative Nancy, photos, and a weigh-in

So I haven't posted in a while. I'm not going to lie, it's mostly because I'm being super lazy right now. I'm on my radiology rotation which requires very little of me. Most of the time I sit there and watch the radiologists read films - it's basically watching someone else think (without them sharing what they're thinking) and since I haven't seen enough of normal, it's hard to point out abnormal. I mean, I can find the big things, but if it's teeny tiny (like a 3 mm lung nodule), I've got nothing. Anyway, on this rotation, I typically spend only a few hours at the hospital (the longest I've stayed is a bit over 5 hours) and then I go home and have little to do. Sure, I should go to the gym. And sure, I should work on my residency application. And sure, I should clean up my apartment, read about radiology, read about gynecology, and work on my suturing and tying, but when you sit and do nothing all morning, it's hard to make yourself do anything in the afternoon. So, for most of the last week, I've done nothing productive. Last week after my impromptu beach trip, I sat around a lot in the afternoons. Over the weekend, I hit up the beach because it was beautiful and on Monday and Tuesday, I hit up the beach in the afternoon again. Unfortunately, the awesome summer weather has ended thanks to this stupid cold front that has moved in.

Now I'm stuck trying to motivate myself to do pretty much anything. And to be honest, I've gotten in a Debbie Downer/Negative Nancy/Sad Sally/Mean Marvin mood (I just made up the last one because why is it only females that are sad?). I've had a hard time treating myself the way I need to be treated. I'm not 100% sure why I'm in a bit of a funk, but I'm pretty sure it's because applying to residencies is fucking terrifying and instead of facing it head on, I've been shying away, eating my feelings, and sitting doing nothing somewhat paralyzed with fear. But after giving myself some serious talking to and reconnecting with myself and my goals, I've told this inner negative Danika to shut the fuck up. Why don't I deserve to feel good? Why don't I deserve to to eat healthy? Why don't I deserve to workout hard? I've got to stop doubting myself and whether I deserve to feel great and I've gotta start believing that there's no reason why I shouldn't. 

With that, I'm happy to say that I hit the gym tonight. I didn't have to wear my ankle brace since I was just doing the elliptical and that doesn't stress out my ankle. Tomorrow, however, I'm going to go to Zumba for the first time since I sprained it (which was three weeks ago this past Tuesday) and I'm definitely going to wear the stupid brace for some added stability. I'm so excited to be going to Zumba again. I have missed it A LOT. If it hurts my ankle, I'll take it easy and modify, modify, modify.

And here are lots of photos for you. I also did a weigh-in (which is below). It was super hard for me to step on the scale knowing that I'd done a fair amount of damage recently. I'm going to start posting weigh-ins on my weigh-in page again so that I'm a bit more accountable. Cheers.

Today's weigh-in; next week's goal is 244.4

Breakfast

Got home late for lunch and was starving so I had to make a sandwich fast

The rest of lunch after I scarfed down the sandwich

Fueling up for the gym

Dinner

Individual guacamole - must get more!

Mango smoothie pre-liquefying

Dinner!

Today's positive: Believing in myself enough to know that I could get to the gym and crush it. 

Wanted: band for the pity party I'm throwing myself

Warning: this post is extremely whiny and self-deprecating. Also, there are no pictures. If you're feeling brave/sympathetic/as though you can handle reading without pictures, read on. If not, come back tomorrow when I'm feeling more like myself :-)


Every Monday or Tuesday night, I watch Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. If you've never watched the show, here's a quick rundown of how it works: Chris Powell, a personal trainer and "transformation specialist," chooses a new client every episode and commits to spending a year with the person to help them lose weight. The client is usually morbidly obese, ranging from 150-300 pounds overweight. Chris breaks the weight-loss process up into stages.


At the beginning, Chris and the overweight client go to the California Institute for Health and Longevity where Chris teaches them how to work out and works with chefs to teach the client how to eat healthier. Then they go back home and begin stage one, which lasts three months. Chris works out with the person three times a day and stays with them at their house to make sure they're following the proper routine. At the end of three months, they have a weigh-in and if they hit their goal, they get some kind of prize. Then begins stage 2, another three-month period where they have a goal to reach. However, this time, Chris isn't there with them. At the end of stage 2, they have another weigh-in. Following this are stages three and four where the person continues to lose weight and hit their goals or - as it usually tends to happen - they fall off the wagon a bit and miss their goals completely.


And that, my friends, is where I feel I am right now. I feel as though I've fallen off the wagon a bit (like I may still have a finger or two on it, but I'm not nearly as on it as I was in June). I haven't gone to the gym once during the mornings this week (I'm still meeting with Mark in the evenings though). I haven't logged my calories (though I'm not going ridiculously overboard with portions), and I can't seem to motivate myself to get up and do anything. And it's all in my head.


Perhaps this is just PMS, but I'm really down right now. And then I feel dumb about being down because it's not as though I've got it rough. But that thought is quickly replaced with the thought that I'm not worth it. And then I just want to sit and eat because if it's not worth it, why not eat what I want to eat? But then if I do that, I just feel disgusting and then I really feel as though I'm not worth it. Vicious cycle, I know.


On top of that, I just want a damn cookie. Or a piece of cake. Or a milkshake. Or all of the aforementioned blended to make the world's most delicious dessert. But, I told myself no desserts for July. I really, really wish I'd never ever made that goal. But at this point if someone put a plate of brownies in front of me and told me to eat just one, I'd probably grab the plate, run away, and then eat the whole damn thing. So, no, I can't let myself have one little bite or one day off because I know I'll just go insane and eat as many as humanly possible in one sitting.


And then today I was thinking about this week's episode of the Glee Project when Hannah was trying to learn some new dance moves that were a bit more risqué than normal. And I could completely sympathize with her when she said she had a hard time doing those moves because she's never seen herself as sexy. I don't know that I've ever felt sexy either. And maybe that's how all this crappy thinking began, but I feel as though I'm never going to get there, that I'm never going to look good, that no man would ever want to be with me, and so on. And it's hard to motivate yourself to do anything when you feel ugly and undesirable. Mostly I just want to curl up and do nothing. But instead, I thought I'd blog, get it all out and then work on starting fresh tomorrow.


So, though I have a lot of negative energy right now, I'm making a countdown to the beginning of medical school so that I can tear off a page everyday (it starts in exactly one calendar month from tomorrow). And I'm going to write positive reminders to myself to help motivate myself. And damn it, I'm going to get up at 5:30 tomorrow and get my fat butt to the gym because doing nothing is just going to make me feel worse.