Down and insecure...hopefully to be followed by happy and content

Let's get real for a hot minute, internet besties. And by "hot minute," I mean the amount of time that it takes you to either a.) finish reading this entire post or b.) get bored and give up reading (I'd probably be a "b" person, so don't worry, I'm not horribly offended - just mildly so).

Anywho, I feel as though I write a lot of these types of entries. But the thing that makes this one different is that I'm not going to edit it afterwards. I'm just going to write everything, hope it properly conveys what I'm thinking, and then move on. I just need to get a few things off my chest.

So, this past week, I've probably undone all the weight I lost during my first week of getting back on track. I was studying really hard all last week and I'd give myself a treat. Or, rather, several treats. Because let's face it, I can never have just one. For example, last Tuesday, I went to the gym and then decided that since it was mardi gras that I would get a paczki. Except that when I went to the store, I couldn't decide if I wanted a cheese one or a bavarian cream one. So, I got both. And because the cinnamon roll also looked awesome, I got one of those. And I ate all of them on the drive home. Ridiculous, I know. On Wednesday, I decided to make some healthy whole wheat pancakes. But I'm not really a fan of syrup. Instead, I like to smother my pancakes in chocolate. So, I usually make pancakes, put a few chocolate chips on them, let them melt and then spread out the chocolate. Well, I didn't have any chocolate chips, so I decided to go ahead and run to the corner store and get some. Except the nutella was cheaper and that seemed like a good idea because then I could eliminate the melting and spreading step (I am so lazy). So, I put some on my pancakes. Then I ate a few spoonfuls. Then I ate a few more spoonfuls. Then I finished the whole damn jar because I suck. Thursday, I'm not entirely sure I binged. I honestly can't remember. Friday, I ate a bagel (our preceptor brought them in), followed by a cupcake (from a friend), and then I made a batch of brownies for my small group on Friday afternoon. But, while I was making the brownies, I ate an obscene amount of batter. And then I told myself to just take the whole pan of brownies to school so that I didn't eat any while I was cutting them up. But I couldn't resist and probably ate 5 or 6 brownies before taking them to school. And then Friday night, I treated myself to a donut at Tim Horton's while I was studying. Saturday, I was doing really well. I was in my calorie ranges and being all good. And then Saturday night, as a study break, I went to meijer. I bought a thing of bake-at-home cinnamon rolls and then I bought a 4-pack of leftover paczki. I ate all four on the drive home. I know, I know. And then on Sunday, I made the cinnamon rolls and ate all of them by the end of the day (granted, I didn't eat much else because I was in a blind studying panic).

So, anywho, last week was a week of binges. I did, however, go to the gym everyday and I'd leave feeling all good about myself because I was staying on track with going to the gym and then I'd sabotage myself when I got home. And it's stupid. So, so stupid. I don't know why I do it. I don't feel particularly good when I'm doing it. I definitely don't feel good afterwards. And I definitely feel stupid right now. But I tell myself, it's okay. One bad day isn't going to ruin everything. But I can't tell myself that every time. There comes a point when I have to stop myself from having bad days. And I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to do that.

Anyway, so I was watching Biggest Loser (and eating a bag of popcorn...) and I was really struck by what Jillian was saying with Alex. She was talking about how sometimes she felt as though her best just wasn't good enough. I've definitely felt that way. I really feel that way as I'm gearing up for an exam. I tell myself that I'm an idiot. Not only because I don't know the material but because I know that I could have done better if I'd just motivated myself to try harder and do more. And then I beat myself up about that. And then I turn to food. And maybe that's why I struggled so much last week. But all the while, I know that I'm doing it and I still don't stop.

And last week, Jillian was talking with Jeff and something else she said really struck me. She was talking about how a lot of the time, we put ourselves in the same situation because that's what we're used to (and what we know) and then we expect the outcome to be different every time. But it's not. Because why would it be? If you do the same thing, you should expect the same outcome. And then she said that we are the people who need to change. And so I started last week on a positive note telling myself that I would be the change. And then I stopped. Why? I don't know. Probably because I was feeling good about myself and that was so different from how I normally feel that I maybe I subconsciously didn't want to feel good...?

And at the end of this week's episode, Francelina was talking about how she realized that she had to change herself and deal with all of her emotions and insecurities before she could change herself physically. And maybe that's what I need to do. So, I'm going to do a brief run through of them now.

I think I'm still dealing with some issues of feeling ugly pretty much my entire life. I don't know that I've ever felt beautiful. I also had a pretty messed up first relationship and I think that still affects how I view myself and one of the reasons I'm still so insecure. In short, I don't know that I ever felt valued, I never really felt wanted (sexually, at least), and I know that I frequently went above and beyond mostly out of desperation to get some kind of appreciation in return. I also think that I feel judged a lot more than is necessary. Like, at the gym, I know most people really don't care what others are doing, but sometimes I wonder if people think I don't belong there because of my size. I also wonder what people think when they see someone who's supposed to be in the medical field looking as unhealthy as I do. I also think that I idealize being skinny to the point that I feel like I will be so much happier and maybe I'm scared of letting myself have that because I don't deserve it. I'm sure I also have many other issues, but those are the ones at the front of my mind.

So, what am I going to do? Well, I've been thinking about how expensive my binges have been lately. Not only is the food expensive, but I drive to get it (thus wasting gas), and I could be using that money for a bajillion other things. So, I think if I try to remember that, it may help curb some of my binges. I also e-mailed the woman in charge of counseling at our school because I think I need to talk to someone. I'm hoping that maybe she will have some advice for me. Also, I'm going to try my best to stop making excuses. Maybe I just needed to hit a new low to realize that I need to get myself out of it. Or perhaps this is my epiphany and it will be all up from here.

The other thing I've realized is that I don't have to do this alone and that really, I'm choosing to do it alone. I have so many amazing friends, an awesome mother, and other people in my life who would be ridiculously willing to help, but I refuse to let them help. So I think I need to talk to them about things and ask for help when I need it.

Basically, I need to choose me every once in a while. I need to let myself be in control. Not the food. Not other people. Me. And when I don't have control, I need to learn to be okay with that and not turn to food.

Aaaand...I think I'm done. So, I'll be back tomorrow. Hopefully with a happier post. I just need to realize that I can't make all the changes I need to make in one day and I can't give up in this journey because I can do it if I really want to.