Let's get real.

Okay. Let's get real for a bit. 

No, morning workouts did not happen. I know that I could do it if I really wanted to, but I'd really rather sleep. So, workouts will continue to be after work. It kind of sucks because it's hard to get room in the weights area when you go after work, but I can look intimidating enough to get a bench when I need to. That, and I can rearrange my workout if necessary as well. So, yeah. Not going to happen.

On Friday, I had two moles removed...from my groin. One of which was rather large, dark, and had irregular borders (which are, you know, all bad things...) and the other that was just bothersome. It was probably dumb to have them both done at once considering they were on opposite thighs so both thighs hurt, but I'm all about efficiency. I'm anxiously awaiting the pathology report because once upon a time, I went tanning, which has, you know, been linked to increased incidences of skin cancer like a bajillion times. YOLO...?

Also, let's keep being real since I'm all into this oversharing thing right now. Today I read this article on SparkPeople. It's all about how to placate your sweet tooth without overdoing it. Essentially, it suggests 12 sweet snacks. But since we're being real with each other right now, I've gotta say, this is just stupid. Is anyone going to stop at half a cup of ice cream? Do you even know how little half a cup of ice cream is? Like, children typically have portion sizes larger than that when it comes to ice cream. It's just not realistic. And, okay, let's say you have the willpower of a superhuman and you do eat just 1/2 cup of ice cream. Are you feeling full and satisfied? No. Why? Because all you ate was 1/2 cup of ice cream. Okay. Perhaps you chose the 1/2 cup of grapes and 1 oz of walnuts. Do you know how much food that is? Not very much. I mean at least the walnuts have some protein, but c'mon. None of these snacks would satisfy me or my sweet tooth. So, though I appreciate the sentiment, I think this article is silly.

And since we're on this topic, while waiting for my doctor's appointment on Friday, I sat and read some magazine article about losing like 10 pounds in 2 weeks or something like that. It gave both workouts as well as meal plans. You were supposed to work out twice a day for about two hours in total and your meals were typically something like this: breakfast - smoothie. Morning snack - half an apple and a tiny bit of fat-free yogurt. Lunch - salad. Afternoon snack - one ounce of nuts. Dinner - chicken or lean turkey with some kind of green. First of all: riiiiight. Like I'm going to work out twice in one day. Second of all: the most important meal of the day is breakfast and I'm just supposed to have a smoothie? That's supposed to last me 4 hours until I can have half an apple with like a spoonful of yogurt? Um, no. That's not going to work. And let's just say [again] that you have superhuman willpower and you follow this. Then when you go back and eat like a normal person, you've regained that 10 pounds in like 10 seconds. It's just dumb. You're supposed to do something that's sustainable. And maybe I'm the crazy one because I can't see how a meal plan and workout plan like that would work, but I doubt it.

Moving on to a different topic: in the family practice office I'm at, I've been working with a doctor who mentions weight and BMI with almost every single patient. I'm not saying that's a bad thing - I mean, it stops some patients from being blissfully ignorant when they're told flat out, "Your BMI puts you in the obese category," but it's a bit disheartening when the patients are like 30 pounds lighter than me (and okay, a few inches shorter too) and someone makes a comment about how their weight is out of control. Um, excuse me, but my BMI is higher than theirs. Is my weight out of control? I would have said no. And then we had a patient who gained 30 pounds and was taking a short-acting appetite suppressant to help lose weight. Granted, they were also watching what they ate and exercising, but that brought up all types of weird feelings. Like, I'm kind of against using a drug and putting something in your system when you could technically do without. But then I'm all, maybe I would get better results if I tried something like that. But then I'm all, WHAT ABOUT SIDE EFFECTS?! I'LL GET CANCER! Well, I'm not usually that bad, but I did meet someone years ago who lost like 250 pounds with diet pills and then got cancer because of them...which you know, also helped with the weight loss, but probably not in the way he was anticipating. He beat it, by the way...

Apparently, I've been very triggered by weight things recently. I just think that as a society, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves as well as others when their weight isn't what it should be. We make judgements right off the bat when we see someone who's overweight or obese. I don't think we should be defined by a number. That being said, I understand how weight can cause all types of health problems, so I'm glad that some of the doctors I'm working with are counseling people on how to be healthier, but until you've lived it, I have a hard time listening to what they're saying.

Moving on...here are some pics of some recent eats. Not pictured is the stupid pizza I ate last night. I had a groupon that cost me $10 and allowed me to have $20 of pizza, which is a lot of pizza for one person, but I figured I could freeze it or save it for later. So, I ordered two medium pizzas and went to pick it up and was told my groupon was for dine-in only. I was like "Oh. I didn't realize that. Can you tell me where it says that?" The cashier said, "Well, the groupon says at, not from." Oh. Now that's crystal clear. Ughs. So, basically I ended up paying full price for pizza that I wouldn't have ordered had I known I was going to be paying for in total. Duuuumb. But anywho, I didn't take a picture of it and as it's in the freezer right now, you won't be getting a picture of it until I take it out to eat again.

My standard breakfast from last week

Tacos - such an easy meal. And I'm lazy. So I ate them like 3 times last week...

My go to breakfast when I want to sleep in for 15-20 minutes

Today's lunch after I botched making clam chowder...

Today's dinner: crab and dill shrimp (made by meijer, cooked by me) with some beans and potatoes

Fruit protein smoothie for dessert because dinner didn't fill me up

And for good measure, here's a picture of Bailers. He's 9 now. I'm not sure exactly when his birthday is since I adopted/inherited him when he was 6, but he got some wet cat food to celebrate. He has no idea why. It's mostly because it was on sale. And because occasionally I have a soft spot for the little guy.

So pensive

I'm doing a weigh-in tomorrow. My goal was 3 pounds this week. Not too sure I made it. But, we'll see!

Down and insecure...hopefully to be followed by happy and content

Let's get real for a hot minute, internet besties. And by "hot minute," I mean the amount of time that it takes you to either a.) finish reading this entire post or b.) get bored and give up reading (I'd probably be a "b" person, so don't worry, I'm not horribly offended - just mildly so).

Anywho, I feel as though I write a lot of these types of entries. But the thing that makes this one different is that I'm not going to edit it afterwards. I'm just going to write everything, hope it properly conveys what I'm thinking, and then move on. I just need to get a few things off my chest.

So, this past week, I've probably undone all the weight I lost during my first week of getting back on track. I was studying really hard all last week and I'd give myself a treat. Or, rather, several treats. Because let's face it, I can never have just one. For example, last Tuesday, I went to the gym and then decided that since it was mardi gras that I would get a paczki. Except that when I went to the store, I couldn't decide if I wanted a cheese one or a bavarian cream one. So, I got both. And because the cinnamon roll also looked awesome, I got one of those. And I ate all of them on the drive home. Ridiculous, I know. On Wednesday, I decided to make some healthy whole wheat pancakes. But I'm not really a fan of syrup. Instead, I like to smother my pancakes in chocolate. So, I usually make pancakes, put a few chocolate chips on them, let them melt and then spread out the chocolate. Well, I didn't have any chocolate chips, so I decided to go ahead and run to the corner store and get some. Except the nutella was cheaper and that seemed like a good idea because then I could eliminate the melting and spreading step (I am so lazy). So, I put some on my pancakes. Then I ate a few spoonfuls. Then I ate a few more spoonfuls. Then I finished the whole damn jar because I suck. Thursday, I'm not entirely sure I binged. I honestly can't remember. Friday, I ate a bagel (our preceptor brought them in), followed by a cupcake (from a friend), and then I made a batch of brownies for my small group on Friday afternoon. But, while I was making the brownies, I ate an obscene amount of batter. And then I told myself to just take the whole pan of brownies to school so that I didn't eat any while I was cutting them up. But I couldn't resist and probably ate 5 or 6 brownies before taking them to school. And then Friday night, I treated myself to a donut at Tim Horton's while I was studying. Saturday, I was doing really well. I was in my calorie ranges and being all good. And then Saturday night, as a study break, I went to meijer. I bought a thing of bake-at-home cinnamon rolls and then I bought a 4-pack of leftover paczki. I ate all four on the drive home. I know, I know. And then on Sunday, I made the cinnamon rolls and ate all of them by the end of the day (granted, I didn't eat much else because I was in a blind studying panic).

So, anywho, last week was a week of binges. I did, however, go to the gym everyday and I'd leave feeling all good about myself because I was staying on track with going to the gym and then I'd sabotage myself when I got home. And it's stupid. So, so stupid. I don't know why I do it. I don't feel particularly good when I'm doing it. I definitely don't feel good afterwards. And I definitely feel stupid right now. But I tell myself, it's okay. One bad day isn't going to ruin everything. But I can't tell myself that every time. There comes a point when I have to stop myself from having bad days. And I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to do that.

Anyway, so I was watching Biggest Loser (and eating a bag of popcorn...) and I was really struck by what Jillian was saying with Alex. She was talking about how sometimes she felt as though her best just wasn't good enough. I've definitely felt that way. I really feel that way as I'm gearing up for an exam. I tell myself that I'm an idiot. Not only because I don't know the material but because I know that I could have done better if I'd just motivated myself to try harder and do more. And then I beat myself up about that. And then I turn to food. And maybe that's why I struggled so much last week. But all the while, I know that I'm doing it and I still don't stop.

And last week, Jillian was talking with Jeff and something else she said really struck me. She was talking about how a lot of the time, we put ourselves in the same situation because that's what we're used to (and what we know) and then we expect the outcome to be different every time. But it's not. Because why would it be? If you do the same thing, you should expect the same outcome. And then she said that we are the people who need to change. And so I started last week on a positive note telling myself that I would be the change. And then I stopped. Why? I don't know. Probably because I was feeling good about myself and that was so different from how I normally feel that I maybe I subconsciously didn't want to feel good...?

And at the end of this week's episode, Francelina was talking about how she realized that she had to change herself and deal with all of her emotions and insecurities before she could change herself physically. And maybe that's what I need to do. So, I'm going to do a brief run through of them now.

I think I'm still dealing with some issues of feeling ugly pretty much my entire life. I don't know that I've ever felt beautiful. I also had a pretty messed up first relationship and I think that still affects how I view myself and one of the reasons I'm still so insecure. In short, I don't know that I ever felt valued, I never really felt wanted (sexually, at least), and I know that I frequently went above and beyond mostly out of desperation to get some kind of appreciation in return. I also think that I feel judged a lot more than is necessary. Like, at the gym, I know most people really don't care what others are doing, but sometimes I wonder if people think I don't belong there because of my size. I also wonder what people think when they see someone who's supposed to be in the medical field looking as unhealthy as I do. I also think that I idealize being skinny to the point that I feel like I will be so much happier and maybe I'm scared of letting myself have that because I don't deserve it. I'm sure I also have many other issues, but those are the ones at the front of my mind.

So, what am I going to do? Well, I've been thinking about how expensive my binges have been lately. Not only is the food expensive, but I drive to get it (thus wasting gas), and I could be using that money for a bajillion other things. So, I think if I try to remember that, it may help curb some of my binges. I also e-mailed the woman in charge of counseling at our school because I think I need to talk to someone. I'm hoping that maybe she will have some advice for me. Also, I'm going to try my best to stop making excuses. Maybe I just needed to hit a new low to realize that I need to get myself out of it. Or perhaps this is my epiphany and it will be all up from here.

The other thing I've realized is that I don't have to do this alone and that really, I'm choosing to do it alone. I have so many amazing friends, an awesome mother, and other people in my life who would be ridiculously willing to help, but I refuse to let them help. So I think I need to talk to them about things and ask for help when I need it.

Basically, I need to choose me every once in a while. I need to let myself be in control. Not the food. Not other people. Me. And when I don't have control, I need to learn to be okay with that and not turn to food.

Aaaand...I think I'm done. So, I'll be back tomorrow. Hopefully with a happier post. I just need to realize that I can't make all the changes I need to make in one day and I can't give up in this journey because I can do it if I really want to.

I just want to be overweight

I'm going to start out this blog by saying, "Yay me!" I got my butt out of bed this morning and went to the gym. It took me about 5 minutes to convince myself that I wanted to go to the gym, but I did it. Once there, I did about 45 minutes of cardio and then did some upper body strength training. I also did some ab stuff that I've done with Mark, but I'm not entirely sure that I did it right...

After the gym, I came home and had the exact same breakfast as yesterday: eggs (only one full egg and one egg white) and little turkey weenies. Here's a picture just in case your memory is poor.

I got to work right on time and didn't have a whole lot to do, per usual. So, I decided to do some online courses that Lubrizol offers to teach myself a bit more about the industry. Then I came home for lunch. I had an English muffin pizza and some of the leftover beef tenderloin I got for dinner last night.

Amazing dinner from last night

Lunch for today

Also during lunch, I changed my facebook profile picture to this gem that google put up today to honor Bunsen's 200th birthday. Didn't you know I'm a dork?

After lunch, Sheli, Carrie, nor I had a whole lot to do. We hung out in the lab being dorks, and ended up unpacking our four ball machine which arrived today. It's $120,000 worth of sexual jokes and innuendos. Trust me, it's going to be awesome. 

After work, I came home and started making dinner right away because I volunteer at the hospital every Thursday night. Dinner was some Schwann's chicken, some potatoes, and some steamed broccoli. It was pretty good. I was more in the mood for a large donut, some cookie dough, and a side of cake, buuuut, since my goal until the next weigh-in is to log everything I eat (and stay within my calorie ranges), that fantasy meal wasn't about to happen tonight.

Not my fantasy meal, but still pretty good

After dinner, I was pretty pumped to go volunteer tonight. Photographic evidence right here:

There was actually stuff to do at the hospital tonight, but I still got sent home a bit early. So, I went to the mall to pick up my resized ring! Woooot. It fits very well now. I wear it on my right ring finger. So pretty.

Speaking of my right hand, I also wanted to show you my Power Balance wristband. Like I said before, it's supposed to improve your balance and range of motion. I'm still a bit skeptical, but I was able to balance on one leg without falling over for once when I was stretching this week, and I was able to do one of my harder arm exercises without feeling too strained. So I'm glad I got it. And it was a size small. Haha - I can't remember the last time I bought something in a small. And with my poopy progress this week, I'm sure I won't be buying clothes in a size small like...ever.

But I'm going to keep working on it. As I said earlier, my goal is to log everything I eat and stay in my calorie ranges until my next weigh-in. I usually measure everything out with the help of my food scale and measuring cups, but I'm going to have to be extra diligent now, hence me drinking my chocolate almond milk out of a measuring glass.

So hopefully this will help me continue to lose weight and maybe even faster! And in 22 pounds, I will no longer be obese, but simply overweight. I know it sounds weird, but I just want to be overweight. There are a lot less health risks involved in being overweight versus being obese.

Anyway, how was your Thursday? Any fun plans for the weekend?

A History of my Eating Habits

So though I've shared some of my story of how I got so fat, I wanted to talk a bit more about what makes losing weight such a difficult thing for me.


I've been overweight for as long as I can remember. Yes, I do have pictures when I was skinny, but that was so long ago that I'm not sure it counts.

My brother Tristan, sister Malena, our dog Tessa, and (skinny) me

So where does it begin? Well, in addition to living a pretty sedentary life, I don't remember a time when I ate healthily. I was pretty young when I was able to tuck away entire quarter pounder meals from McDonald's. I could easily eat an entire bag of popcorn as a snack before bed in elementary school. And polishing off a bowl of ice cream would only make me want more.


As the pound crept on, I began to hate anything that required physical activity because I simply couldn't compete. I remember being mortified when we had to run a timed mile in middle school. And in the eighth grade, I clearly recall not being able to do one sit-up during a fitness test. So, instead of trying to do a sit-up, I probably just ate more.


I think I picked up all my bad eating habits in my youth. Growing up, my dad was always sick with migraines, and so we couldn't have chocolate in the house (chocolate has caffeine in it, which exacerbates headaches). But, when he was gone on business trips, my mom got us oreos - a delicious and simple pleasure for a kid. My sister, brother, and I would instantly turn into vultures the second the oreo packaging was open - we needed to eat as many oreos as possible because soon they would be gone. So, I never learned portion size.


At dinner time, my mom was always the first to finish her dinner. She said she picked up eating quickly when she was in college because she was always on the go. Well, because I was a somewhat competitive child (I blame it on middle child syndrome), I used to eat as fast as possible to beat her. So, I never learned to eat slowly.


On top of that, dinner was typically always at 6:00 p.m. And if you didn't eat then, you typically didn't eat at all. It didn't matter if you were hungry or not. So, I never learned to eat only when I was hungry.


Now, I'm not trying to blame this on my parents (especially because I know my mom reads this - love you, Mom!). Really, their eating habits were quite healthy, but I guess I just picked up some bad habits along the way, and they stuck.


But my eating habits are what make this whole journey to health a lot harder. It's difficult trying to undo 23 years of damage. I still have a hard time eating just one cookie. I still have to put a lot of effort in my portion sizes. I still have to really think about how hungry I am. But I'm making a little bit of progress everyday, and I credit a lot of it to SparkPeople.


SparkPeople.com is the website I use to track my calories - both eaten and burned off. They help me shoot for healthy ranges in terms of what I need to eat and in terms of how many calories I should be burning everyday. In fact, they'll even set up meals and exercise plans for you if you want them to. However, I like to have a little more freedom than that.

My SparkPeople home page - click to make it bigger

Another thing I'm trying to do is eat less more often during the day. Mark (my personal trainer) has really encouraged me to eat every 2-3 hours so that my blood sugar stays up and so that my body doesn't try to store what I'm eating for fear of not getting fed again. I also drink a lot of water during the day so as to shed some of that water weight.


Anyway, back to today. I don't have many pics of my food, but here are some of my portion-controlled and calorie-logged meals!

And now I must go to bed so I can be up early for the gym!


How are your eating habits? Do you struggle with anything?