Wanted: band for the pity party I'm throwing myself

Warning: this post is extremely whiny and self-deprecating. Also, there are no pictures. If you're feeling brave/sympathetic/as though you can handle reading without pictures, read on. If not, come back tomorrow when I'm feeling more like myself :-)


Every Monday or Tuesday night, I watch Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. If you've never watched the show, here's a quick rundown of how it works: Chris Powell, a personal trainer and "transformation specialist," chooses a new client every episode and commits to spending a year with the person to help them lose weight. The client is usually morbidly obese, ranging from 150-300 pounds overweight. Chris breaks the weight-loss process up into stages.


At the beginning, Chris and the overweight client go to the California Institute for Health and Longevity where Chris teaches them how to work out and works with chefs to teach the client how to eat healthier. Then they go back home and begin stage one, which lasts three months. Chris works out with the person three times a day and stays with them at their house to make sure they're following the proper routine. At the end of three months, they have a weigh-in and if they hit their goal, they get some kind of prize. Then begins stage 2, another three-month period where they have a goal to reach. However, this time, Chris isn't there with them. At the end of stage 2, they have another weigh-in. Following this are stages three and four where the person continues to lose weight and hit their goals or - as it usually tends to happen - they fall off the wagon a bit and miss their goals completely.


And that, my friends, is where I feel I am right now. I feel as though I've fallen off the wagon a bit (like I may still have a finger or two on it, but I'm not nearly as on it as I was in June). I haven't gone to the gym once during the mornings this week (I'm still meeting with Mark in the evenings though). I haven't logged my calories (though I'm not going ridiculously overboard with portions), and I can't seem to motivate myself to get up and do anything. And it's all in my head.


Perhaps this is just PMS, but I'm really down right now. And then I feel dumb about being down because it's not as though I've got it rough. But that thought is quickly replaced with the thought that I'm not worth it. And then I just want to sit and eat because if it's not worth it, why not eat what I want to eat? But then if I do that, I just feel disgusting and then I really feel as though I'm not worth it. Vicious cycle, I know.


On top of that, I just want a damn cookie. Or a piece of cake. Or a milkshake. Or all of the aforementioned blended to make the world's most delicious dessert. But, I told myself no desserts for July. I really, really wish I'd never ever made that goal. But at this point if someone put a plate of brownies in front of me and told me to eat just one, I'd probably grab the plate, run away, and then eat the whole damn thing. So, no, I can't let myself have one little bite or one day off because I know I'll just go insane and eat as many as humanly possible in one sitting.


And then today I was thinking about this week's episode of the Glee Project when Hannah was trying to learn some new dance moves that were a bit more risqué than normal. And I could completely sympathize with her when she said she had a hard time doing those moves because she's never seen herself as sexy. I don't know that I've ever felt sexy either. And maybe that's how all this crappy thinking began, but I feel as though I'm never going to get there, that I'm never going to look good, that no man would ever want to be with me, and so on. And it's hard to motivate yourself to do anything when you feel ugly and undesirable. Mostly I just want to curl up and do nothing. But instead, I thought I'd blog, get it all out and then work on starting fresh tomorrow.


So, though I have a lot of negative energy right now, I'm making a countdown to the beginning of medical school so that I can tear off a page everyday (it starts in exactly one calendar month from tomorrow). And I'm going to write positive reminders to myself to help motivate myself. And damn it, I'm going to get up at 5:30 tomorrow and get my fat butt to the gym because doing nothing is just going to make me feel worse.