Worst Enemy

I am my own worst enemy. I do what probably everyone does - I say shitty things to myself all the time. And I also do shitty things to myself all the time. I doubt myself. I insult myself. I think of myself as a failure. I think of myself as undeserving. I think of myself as fat. I think of myself as disgusting. I think of myself as stupid. And doing this to myself? That's stupid. That's disgusting. That's not something I deserve. And yet I do it. A lot. So, I'm working my way to a blog revival. To a health revival. To a Danika revival. 

Recently, my family and I moved to Colorado so I could start a new job (a later blog will be an update blog) and I thought of this move as a fresh start. I wanted to use it as a do-over. But some habits are hard to break. So, here I am trying to work on my do-over, my fresh start.

I'm scared to do this, to be honest, because I'm scared of failure. Though failure, for me, comes in many disguises, the biggest way I feel like a failure is as I watch the number on the scale increase. It's almost at my highest recorded weight. And that, to me, is unacceptable. Additionally, my sister recently had gastric bypass surgery. She used to be the heaviest one in my family. That honor now goes to me. And you know what? Fuck that. No thank you. I decline. So, here we go again. Slow, steady, and with some love for myself along the way.

Reyah (my daughter) and me exploring Colorado; photo credit to the husband

Anyone have any experiences starting over? What was the scariest thing for you?