Terrified, anxious, and tearful

I wasn't sure if I was going to post today because I just had a four day weekend so really I should be all: YAY! I'M SO RELAXED. LIFE IS AWESOME. But really I'm all: I'm terrified and anxious and want to cry all the time.

So the big test (USMLE Step 2) was Thursday and it was hard. So, so hard. But, they're never easy, so that's to be expected. There was one question where I hadn't even heard of the thing they were testing before. So, hopefully that was a test question (anywhere from 10-20% of the questions on these exams are questions they're testing out to see whether or not they make good test questions for upcoming exams). Mostly, it's a time issue thing. There are 8 one-hour sections with 44 questions each. The question stem is like a paragraph to three paragraphs long (with or without lab values and imaging) and there are usually A-E choices after. Sometimes, if you're lucky, there are A-N choices and you want to die. But anywho, you have to go kinda fast, which is not exactly my strong suit. But, it was over and it didn't feel awful.

The next morning (Friday), I had a Skype session with the professor who's been helping me with my personal statement. He's like a huge interview and personal statement guru and he's been a big help to me. This was our last Skype session and we were talking about the application process. He then gently reminded me that my scores from last year weren't great. In fact, I scored below the national average. But I knew that. Then he told me that if my scores this year weren't at least 20 points better, I should be considering a back up plan to Obstetrics and Gynecology. Now this wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear after taking a really hard test. I have absolutely no idea how I scored. I also neglected to take any practice tests this year because last year all they did was destroy my confidence and make me feel like I couldn't do it. They also would make me lose 2 days of study time on average due to the time commitment to take them and then the following freak out session. And I told myself I wasn't going to do that to myself this year - I didn't need to lose the study time and I didn't need the anxiety. Well, that also means I have literally no idea where my scores might even fall. Last year, my score was about 15 points better than my last practice test. And this year, since I didn't take a practice test, I don't have a range that I can assume I'm going to fall in. In fact, I don't even know if I would have passed a practice exam. So now I'm 100% freaking out. I'm terrified that I might not have passed (but in moments of mental clarity, I can reassure myself that I didn't fail) and I'm also terrified that I didn't score very high. And that might mean some scrambling to make sure I have a residency next year. Yikes.

So, I'm struggling right now. I won't get my scores for a month and I know that it's not healthy for me to be freaking out left and right for the next month, but I don't know what else to do. I just want to be reassured that everything is okay, but no one can really do that for me. It's especially hard to fall asleep because I think about everything right before bed. Gah. It's really hard to be in medicine. We should really have to undergo some psychiatric testing because if you have a tendency to be anxious, med school is going to make it at least a million times worse. 

In other news, I really didn't take any photos (or eat healthy) this weekend. I'll get back on the band wagon tomorrow though, don't worry. I have to figure out when I'm going to hit the gym now that I have real life requirements again. I don't have to be at work until 8 everyday, but I'm not a morning person, so it might have to be a post-work type of deal. We'll see. It's hard to plan without having any idea what your schedule is going to be like. I'm going to keep a gym bag ready to go in my car with me everyday though so that I can go whenever there's an opportunity. Also, tomorrow I will likely grab my lunch at the cafeteria since the first day of every rotation is awkward and sometimes it takes a half day to get the tour to see where the fridge is.

Anyway, if you have any words of comfort or any stories about anxious times in your life, please feel free to share!