Visualizing the wagon

Well, I started out okay. Went to the hospital to deliver a patient I adore and then went home and got ready for the office.  Opted to break my fast because we got bagels this weekend and still have a ton and I wanted to enjoy them before they spoiled. I also took leftover cake from this weekend to work to get rid of it/allow other folks to enjoy it. But, my already minimal willpower was not ready for the office. There were Godiva chocolates from a patient, so I had some. Also, I had a cookie leftover from the weekend I wanted to eat, so I ate that. I didn't have any cake, so maybe that can count as a win? I also hydrated more. And I worked out today, despite not wanting to. At first, I went to the gym only to realize I'd grabbed black scrub pants instead of black workout pants. So, I went home and did the elliptical in the basement and lifted some weights. 

So, I'd say I can see/visualize the wagon, but I'm not there yet. I'll give it another whirl tomorrow.

My billion step journey

I need to get some things off my chest before I can make some major progress towards my goals. So, here goes. I'm just going to ramble and then leave it all here - no editing, no looking back. So, apologies for any grammatical or spelling errors.

Here's the thing about losing weight: it's so fucking hard. And it sucks. Instead of mindlessly eating, you're watching everything that you put in your mouth. Instead of walking 15 minutes, you're criticizing yourself for making the drive in 3. Instead of giving yourself a guilt-free night off from the gym, you're feeling lazy and stupid for not going to the gym. It sucks. All of it. 

And it's also so fucking worth it. It's worth not feeling winded after two flights of stairs. It's worth waking up and feeling strong and healthy. It's worth not feeling like you're hungover after a day of shitty eating. It's worth feeling more confident. It's worth feeling like you're worth the work you put in your body. It's all worth it. I know because I've lost the weight before. And I know how much it sucks when you put it back on. It sucks when your clothes get tight. It sucks when the fat starts creeping back into your face and your dimples are less visible. It sucks when you start wondering if you can sit comfortably on a table without tipping it. It sucks when you do stop for ice cream and wonder if people are judging you because of one not-so-healthy snack.

And lately, I've been the queen of bingeing and excuses. I keep re-committing on paper and out loud, but not within myself. I keep saying, "I need to lose weight." I keep saying, "I will do better tomorrow (after I eat A, B, C, and D tonight)." I keep saying, "I'll exercise more tomorrow." And I don't. Because I'm on a surgery rotation. Because I'm tired. Because getting up early blows. Because cooking takes so much time. Because I'm hungry now. Because it's easier to grab something from the cafeteria or drive thru. Because honestly, I'm using food as a punishment. I'm using food as a method of procrastination. I'm using food as a comfort. I'm using food for many things other than as a form of nourishment. And it's got to stop. I've got to make this a lifestyle change. I've got to start saying to myself that I am worth it, that I am enough, that I don't deserve to feel shitty about myself - that I'm awesome and that I deserve to feel awesome about myself. I deserve to have a good work out. I deserve to take some time for me. I deserve to feel confident, feel beautiful, to feel worthwhile.

For the next three weeks, I'm studying for my next board examination (I just had one on Wednesday!) and that means I'll be at home all day, which is a comfort to me. I hate studying away from home because that means I can't take a break and walk away from the computer without worrying that someone will take it. It means I don't have food there when I need it. It means I can't refill my water bottle when I want. It means that I can't play my music out loud and so on. So, for the next three weeks, I'm going to try to rebuild my thinking around food. I'm going to congratulate myself for small victories. And I'm going to try to blog more, think about my food choices more, and use everyday as a stepping stone in my journey to change my lifestyle from that of sedentary to active. Now, given that I'll be studying all day, it'll be a challenge, but I'll try to take some stretch breaks, walks, and hit the gym as much as possible.

I am worth it. I can do this. I've done it before and damn it, I can do it again. And if I mess up, I need to start over right there - no more of this, "Well, I'll just eat all the things since I already messed up and start over tomorrow." No. I need to tell myself it's just a slip-up, that I'm never going to be perfect, and that I can turn around the rest of the day.

So, here we go. Again. For the billionth time. Because, really, that's what weight loss is: a billion step journey.

Going where no man has gone before

This morning was a weigh-in morning, which was yet another reason for me snooze more than once. But, it was good news!

After what seems like forever, the scale finally went down instead of up. I'm sure that's because I'm finally being responsible and tracking my calories again. Whatever the cause, I'm  hoping the next 7.2 pounds come off just as easily and I'm down 40 pounds by the end of the month! To celebrate, I had a bagel for breakfast. Woo hoo.

When I got to work, I found the samples I made yesterday (to get rid of the fallout problem we were having) chock full o' fallout. Awesome. Mike and I played with them a bit and got the fallout back into solution, but I'm betting it'll come right out again. Time will tell. After working on that for a bit, I found that I didn't have much to do. I tied up some loose ends with other stuff and then sat around kind of bored. Fortunately, Lisa gave me a call and entertained me for a while.

I think this sums us up about right

Lisa's call made my morning infinitely better and I was able to finish up the morning doing stuff and then headed home to lunch, which was basically the same thing as yesterday.

During lunch, I also got my gym stuff together so I could head there after work. Then, before I knew it, facebook stalking time was over and it was time to head back to work. Womp, womp.


During the afternoon, I had a little bit of stuff to do. I went to get my samples from the centrifuge and found Sheli in the back lab listening to her music. Upon seeing me, she ran to change the song to the Element Song:

We danced around the lab and then headed to do our respective researching and developing. It was awesome.


After our jam session, I kept myself busy for a little while making some observations on older stuff and then spent an hour on the computer trying to figure out what I can do with all my free time. I really want to learn how to sew, but I have no idea where I can find a class. And apparently you should really own a sewing machine if you're going to learn to show. This may be too much commitment for me. Perhaps knitting would be a good start. Scarves for everyone! I'm going to look into it further.


At about 4:30, Mike came into the office with stuff for me to do. However, being that it was so late in the day, I didn't really get started on any of it. But the good thing is that I should be busy most of the morning. Woot.


After work, I went tanning and then headed to the gym. Since Mark is in Florida with my competition his girlfriend, I did a little over a half hour of cardio on my own and then worked on some leg strengthening stuff and did some arm stuff. I was a tad intimidated to go over to the free weights because that's where the guys with arms as big as my thighs (but with way higher muscle mass) hang out and chat. But I'm glad I did go over there as I got to eavesdrop on their conversation about what they'd do if their daughter/wife/mother/girlfriend was a porn star. Interesting. I was surprised at how much they said they wouldn't like it. Well, boys, I'll never go into porn, so let's date! Perfect.


After the gym, I came home and made some tacos. I still struggled with my chopping, but there was no bloodshed this time around.

My tacos were delicious, but since I still had some leftover tomatoes, spinach, and meat, I decided to go where no man has ever gone before. That's right, folks, I decided to go shell-less.

It was kind of like a taco salad, but without dressing. It was actually pretty good. I shall do this again.


After dinner, I decided to go blading because I'm a bad ass. However, after about twenty minutes of blading, I called it quits. I don't know why, but I couldn't get in the blading mood. So I came back in, cleaned up after dinner, called my mom, and decided I'd have some strawberries.

I sprinkled on some truvia to make them a little sweeter and draw out their juices.

Truvia is another sugar substitute that has no calories, blah, blah, blah. About 3/4t of this stuff = 2t of real sugar. So, a little goes a long way. Which is probably why it's unnecessary to dump it on like I do, but you only live once!


After the strawberries, I uploaded some long-await photos on facebook (you guys have already seen the previews) and then settled in to Watch Modern Family. Danny got me hooked on this show during winter break. It's kind of like 30 Rock in the sense that if you miss an episode, you're not totally screwed because the episodes can hold their own. So basically, it's best when marathoned. Unlike 30 Rock which is awesome all the time.


And now, dear friends, I am writing to you. Though I'd love to stay and write more, I'm going to head to bed and catch you tomorrow. Also, so you know, stay tuned for this weekend. I have a blog idea all set, but I need more time in which to write it!


Have you ever gone shell-less? What's your favorite Mexican food? I can't stand burritos or anything with beans.

No donut? No problem.

Today was definitely a better day than yesterday, that's for sure. There were no Cadbury eggs or mini cupcakes. Thus, no obscene overeating for me today! But I sure wish I hadn't overeaten the day before my weigh-in. Yeah, poor timing.

So, last week I lost 4 pounds. This week, I lost 2.2!

Woot, that means I'm down 30.6 pounds. That's like more than three Baileys (at least when I got him - I've probably fattened him up...).

Anyway, I didn't go to the gym this morning for two reasons:

1. Because I couldn't sleep last night my knees hurt so bad
2. Because the heavens opened up and shat upon Midland (photographic proof below)

But, I did have personal training today, so it wasn't as though I didn't exercise at all today (like yesterday...).


Anyway, after a busy morning at work, I decided to go to Tim Horton's for lunch since I didn't want to go all the way home. I could have stayed and ordered something in, but I really like leaving during lunch. It's nice to get a break from work. So, anyway, for lunch, I kept it pretty healthy.

Please note the absence of a donut. Even though they all looked delicious, I decided that I didn't need one - especially after yesterday.


After lunch, work was a fustercluck and I was happy to get out of there to go work out with Mark. We did some new ab move, which was totally weird, and Mark told me I looked awkward. Well, thanks Mark. It's not like I'm not already self-conscious at the gym... But I got him back with a few well-timed insults, mostly about how he's more than twice my age.


After the gym, I came home and made a protein shake. Apparently if you're going to have a protein shake, you're supposed to have it within 45 minutes of your workout to help enhance muscle tone. So, I decided to mix things up a bit and blend my protein powder with some chocolate almond milk, hoping that would improve the taste. It turned out to be a waste of a perfectly good serving of almond milk. The protein powder totally overwhelmed the deliciousness of the almond milk. The good news is that I'm almost done with that massive jug and can get a better flavor soon!

While I was choking down enjoying my protein shake, I made dinner in about 15 minutes. It was pretty sweet. I freaking love how Schwann's stuff is ready to be cooked straight from the freezer. I'm going to need to find someone who actually gets Schwann's and have them be my dealer.

I had teriyaki chicken nuggets, green beans, and some reheated rice from Monday.


After dinner, I fiddled with my computer for a while. After Best Buy lost all of my data from the last 8 months, I've been trying to figure out a good way to transfer my music from Ronald (my old, janky computer - an Apple PowerBook) to Arthur (my beautiful new MacBook Pro). So I finally bought a crossover ethernet cable that allows me to network the two without actually setting up a network. 

I took a picture of it because I found it funny that it said it was male/male (click on the pic to make it bigger). I didn't learn until earlier this year that cords were different sexes at each end or that you referred to them that way. I think it's hilarious. You should, too.


So I've been transferring music files over slowly. Ronald's pretty old so he's putting up a fight to keep the files to himself. So far, I've transferred about 2,000 songs. I have about 4,000 more. The timing of this hard drive wipe really stinks because I had literally just cleaned out my iTunes library. Boo on you, Apple. Boo on you.


Anyway, it is time for me to head to bed. Thank you to everyone for your encouragement yesterday!