Beginnings

I have a hard time starting things. This isn't news to many of you. But today was especially difficult. I seriously think there is something wrong with me/my brain/my very being. Sooo, let's rewind, shall we? Okay!


This morning I had to get up nice and early for a TB test. And by nice and early, I mean my appointment was at 10:45 and I planned go hit the gym beforehand, so I needed to be up by 8. Um, guess I didn't set my alarm, so I didn't get up until 9:50. Whoops...


Aaaaanywho, I went and got my test done and surprise! They let me do my last HepB sequence which means I've finally finished all my immunizations for med school (let's ignore the fact that I've been in med school since August...). However, I'm going to have quite a few to get before Africa (which will probably push me further into debt...ughs). I digress. On my way back home, I got really tired. Like really, really tired. I wanted to go to bed immediately. But I had a lot of shit I needed to do today. So, I struggled through about an hour's worth of work before I decided to try to nap. But instead of being able to sleep, I had this nagging voice in my head telling me I was being useless and that I should be studying, so I got up and slogged through some clinical skills stuff. Then it was off to two hours of class where we got to examine each other again. Today's additions were nose, throat, and back/lungs. Nothing too exciting.


When I got home, I really didn't want to study. Though I was wide awake, I couldn't do it. I have an exam tomorrow - one that's supposedly going to make me weep for days on end due to its difficulty - and I don't care. I mean, obviously I care, but I couldn't make myself do anything. So, I ate a bit instead. Then I sat around thinking of all that I needed to do, but really didn't want to do. So I ate some more. That just pissed me off. I don't need to be doing that. So eventually I stopped and settled down to do the practice problems. And they weren't even hard. Uh, I thought they were going to give us fake exam problems. I guess they're just going to spring the surprise on us tomorrow. Bastards.


I don't know what's wrong with me. Sometimes I get so paralyzed with fear about everything that I need to accomplish that I can't do anything. It's terrible. I will sit there, knowing that wasting time is only going to make it worse and yet I can't start. Then I end up staying up late scrambling to finish and end up getting less sleep than I should. It's not good. And it's gotten so bad that if I start thinking about it, breathing gets difficult. My nerves are frayed. My heart rate soars. I need to get away, but I have nowhere to go. So then I just end up wanting to cry. But I know that's even less productive than sitting doing nothing. And then somehow, I start and it's not nearly as bad as I think it's going to be. And I'm pissed at myself for letting it get that far. Yup. Lots of fun. Thanks, brain!


And to top it all of, the exam tomorrow is at 7:30. In the morning. As in before the sun is up. As in before people with real jobs have to be at work. As in before I should be awake. As in I'm probably going to fall asleep during the exam. Great.


Okay. I promise I'm done complaining. Mostly cuz I'm done with this post and am pushing "publish" before I read it again and decide to not post it so no one knows how seriously crazy I am.