Laying it all out there

So let's just get it all out there. Thursday after my exam, I didn't do anything (it went absolutely fine, by the way - I don't have my score yet, but I think I did well). I sat around reading a book for pleasure, showered, conducted a student interview, went to lab, went to meijer, read some more, attempted to nap, got up and got dressed. Then I got really drunk and went out to a comedy show with a majority of my med school class. After the show, I got to walk my drunk ass home around 11:00 p.m. because I was waaay beyond my limit. And when I'm that intoxicated, it's just not fun. I feel terrible and don't want to be a mess around everyone (note: I did not vomit. I just wanted to go home and sleep).


On Friday, I slept in as late as I could, got up, showered, had a class at noon and sat through a required debt management session (which makes total sense to have that required during your second semester of medical school...). Then I came home, ran to the health department to have my TB test checked (no TB for me!) and began making cake balls. 


What are cake balls, you ask? Heaven in dessert form. You bake a cake, mash it up with an entire can of frosting and then dip it in chocolate. Amazing for your mouth? Duh. Amazing for your weight loss? Not so much. It's made worse when, while making the cake, you eat an obscene amount of batter. It's made worse when the cake is done and you eat a few pieces. It's made worse when you eat a few spoonfuls of frosting even though you don't even like it. It's made worse when you eat more than a few of the finished product. It's made worse when pretty much your entire week's month's sugar quota has been filled in one day. And it's made worse when you feel disgusting, like you're an idiot, and you still keep eating.


So, last night, I finished one batch of cake balls. This morning, I woke up confident that I wouldn't be such a disgusting person. But then the cake balls were simply sitting on the counter waiting for me to eat more of them. So I did. Then I finished dipping the second batch in chocolate and ate a few of those. Then I sat back and realized I needed to get out. I needed to be somewhere else because the day was going to be exactly the same as yesterday: unproductive, fattening, and hurtful in too many ways.


I finished up the cake balls, put them in bags, put them in a corner where I wouldn't have to see them until I was serving them, and packed up my things and headed home. I called my mom to let her know I was on my way and simply said "I need to get out of Grand Rapids." She didn't question me. She just told me to drive safe.


On my ride home, I tried to stay positive. I caught up with a few friends on the phone and was glad to be headed somewhere else.


My mom welcomed me with open arms and though I think she wanted to know my reason for coming home, I didn't want to tell her because it's so embarrassing. Who wants to admit that despite knowing how seriously bad obesity is for every single part of your health, you still gorge yourself? Who wants to admit that despite having a weight loss blog, you managed to gain 4 pounds in a week? Who wants to admit that despite blogging about how you're going to stop doing this to yourself, you do it again? Ughs.


But there you have it, my friends. I've got to do better. And I have a plan. Check back tomorrow.