Bit of a funk

I started a new medication regimen to help me with my "food noise," which I like to call the mindfuckery of food. You know, where you think about it all the time with like an abnormal amount of obsession surrounding it. I started out using a combo of phentermine and topamax. It helped a bit with curbing my appetite, but it also was too much of a stimulant for me, so I had a hard time sleeping. I went down significantly in dose and I don't know that it's doing much for me at this lower dose. And I'm bingeing again, which is distressing. I miss the wegovy days where I just felt full so much faster and where the mindfuckery was also gone. So, tomorrow, I will try upping my dose a bit. I will take half a tab in the morning (my usual dose) and half a tab at lunch and see if/how it affects my sleep. My obesity medicine doctor recommended this to me as I was starting out this medication, so we'll see if I can make that work. Wish me luck!

Mind Fuck

After discontinuing Wegovy, the mindfuckery around food returned quickly. I was back to feeling like bingeing. I was back to feeling like eating all things unhealthy. I was back to feeling hopeless. I tried to tell myself that I had done this successfully before, but the circumstances were so different. So, I spiraled. And I gave in to all the cravings. And I beat myself up. And I stopped going to the gym. But, then I decided that it didn't have to be this way. So, I sent a message to my obesity medicine doc. She outlined some other choices and we made an appointment to talk about things. We decided to give some daily oral medications a try. I haven't been on it long enough to say for sure that it's a good fit, but it's helped with the food noise so far, but not so much with the feeling full. So, I think I may need to step up my game with food planning and calorie counting while I figure this new stuff out.

I also need to allow myself the time I need for me for the gym. We had a lot going on this week (we went under contract on a house!!!), so naturally, the stress level has been upped, but my natural anxiety release (i.e., exercise) has gone down, so probably need to get back on that.

To set myself up for success this week, I've meal planned lunches and dinners for myself (and the family...ish), I've input recipes into my calorie tracker so it's easier for me to just log what I'm eating. So, here's hoping it gets easier with time!

GMSTW: Day 2

Yesterday was day one of getting my shit together week (GMSTW). I did make it to the optometrist. I've ordered new frames and new lenses for my current frames as they are pretty nicely scratched. I also pondered how people without vision insurance can afford to see properly. That was stupidly expensive. 

Today, I had a meeting with my tax guy to figure out how to manipulate my deductions to neither pay nor get a refund next year. He told me what to do - had to contact my HR. Contacted said HR. Updated my financial planner. Awaited a reply to my email. The reply was basically, "Here. Fill out this form that makes no sense despite the fact that you're not an idiot." So, I've forwarded it to my tax guy. Perhaps he will take pity on me and just fill it out. Here's hoping.

Then I had breakfast and got ready to go to my obesity medicine appointment. I was both looking forward to this appointment and dreading it. I have real anxiety surrounding going to the doctor. I worry that they're going to give me bad news. "What kind of bad news?" you ask. Well, I imagine the conversation going something like this:

    "Oh, wow. You haven't had a preventative visit since like high school outside of your pregnancy care?"

    "Um, yes. That is correct."

    "Ah. Well, you have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes. You need to lose a ton of weight and you will have to take tons of medication and you will never be healthy again."

So, naturally, I have avoided the doctor. Can't get bad news if you never go. Now, do I know that this is stupid? Yes, I do. Very much so. But, nevertheless, I have avoided the doctor. Additionally, I have severe white coat hypertension. This started when I was pregnant with Reyah. I had gestational hypertension and every time my BP was high, I was always worried that it was going to hurt her somehow. But, there was literally nothing I could do to stop it. So, I knew something was wrong and was helpless to do anything about it. It felt terrible. So, now I can't have my blood pressure taken like a normal person. Embarrassingly, I have literally cried when it's time to get my BP taken. Maybe it's like a tiny amount of PTSD? I'm not sure. 

Anywho, all of that is to illustrate how I was dreading going. However, I was looking forward to it at the same time because I can't imagine trying to lose weight again with diet and exercise and gaining it all back. Again. And I knew that this doc is an expert in her field and would have options to help me. After a 90 minute consultation and a lot of tears, I left with a plan to start ozempic and have a follow up visit in 3 weeks. I shall update you on how that goes, but I'm hopeful that it'll help with the eating part of things as well as my bingeing. 

Tomorrow, I have an orthodontist appointment. Back in 2011, when I had my wisdom teeth removed, I had tooth #14 removed as well. 

I went to the dentist after some time away from dental care and they told me that tooth died. Can teeth just randomly do that? I guess so. I went to an endodontist who confirmed deadness and then I had it out when I got my wisdom teeth out. However, that gap has allowed my other teeth to shift and now my current dentist thinks those teeth need to be straightened out before I get something put in to fill that space. So, tomorrow's appointment is to determine if that is indeed true. I'm hopeful if it is that we don't have to do traditional braces. In 2012, I started using invisalign to straighten out my wonky teeth and fix my cross bite and I'm hoping if I need braces, we can do that again. We shall see.

Photos from today before I let you guys return to your normal life.

Breakfast

View of downtown Denver from the doctor's office

Reyah and her favorite Spider-Man