Animals and motivation

I feel as though I'm writing a lot of these types of posts lately. What type, you ask? The type where I tell you I suck, that I feel bad about myself, and that I've gained weight. Oh, and the weight gain is completely my fault. So I need to figure out how to make some changes that will actually work.


Alright, so I tend to tell myself I'm going to do something and then I don't. Or I start it without finishing it. What do I mean exactly? Well, I told myself it was going to be No-Dessert-November, but at our family dinner last night, I had some dessert. And then because I'd already ruined that goal, I decided to go all out today. I seriously ate a lot. How much? Enough that I'm not going to tell you because putting it into words makes it that much more humiliating/embarrassing/shameful.


So, tomorrow I start again. For real this time. I'm going to track calories again. I know, I know. I'm in med school - how am I going to find time for that? I don't know. But, for me, there is no other way. And that means I need to start packing my lunches/dinners so that I can control my portion sizes. I figure I can start meal planning the night before as a before-bed time dealio. I think I'm also going to have to start studying at Secchia more. Yes, it's a major pain in the ass hauling all of my books and stuff to school, but it's not by my kitchen so I can't procrastinate by eating.

PHOTO BREAK!

Those were some photos I took while at the Denver Zoo over the summer. Hope you enjoyed that photo break brought to you by two of my favorite animals: elephants and penguins!

Okay, so we've squared away one problem: food. Well, sort of. I just need to make sure I actually stick to it. Now, on to the next problem: getting my lazy butt to the gym. I was doing okay with that, but then yesterday I seriously didn't have time and today I had ample time but no motivation. I think that's because I now associate going to the gym with a little bit of failure. What do I mean? Well, I used to be able to run 40 minutes at 5.3mph. Now I can barely run half an hour at 5.0 mph. So I have a hard time getting myself pumped up for being mediocre. Basically, I need an attitude adjustment. I know I can get myself to the gym if I want to, but it's finding the perfect time. I could go in the mornings, but we all know how good I am at getting out of bed earlier than necessary...(read: I'm terrible at waking up early). But I'm seriously considering it. I shall keep you updated on that thought.

PHOTO BREAK 2!

Look at these fashionable animals: giraffe print and tiger stripes. Sooo in this season!

Anyway, I just needed a space to remind myself why I'm doing this to keep myself motivated (these are in no particular order):

1. When we look at cadavers, some of them have organs so thoroughly encased in fat that it's disgusting. If I ever get cut open, I don't want anyone to be disgusted by me.
2. Mark and I worked so hard together. I don't want to be bigger when I see him again. The same goes for all of my friends. They saw me at a lower weight than I am now. I don't want them to see me bigger again.
3. Shopping is sooo much better when you can fit in clothes that aren't plus size.
4. It's amazing being able to see my dimples and clavicles again. And clavicles are sexy. I don't want them covered up by my fat ever again!
5. I am the most overweight person in my class. There are 100 of us. It's isolating. And whenever someone makes a comment about obesity, I feel as though I'm being targeted (which is absolutely ridiculous because no one is saying it maliciously - it's science).
6. It feels amazing when I can tell people that I've run two 5ks and they aren't shocked.
7. I deserve to feel good about myself.
8. I'm so, so, so tired of binging and feeling like shit afterwards.
9. I don't want to have to buy new "fat" clothes. I seriously can't do that again.
10. I want people to be impressed by all of my hard work.
11. I have "inspired" people - or at least some have told me as much and I can't be inspirational if I gain back all the weight I've lost
12. Seeing the scale go up absolutely ruins my day
13. I want to have how I feel on the inside translated into how I look on the outside
14. I don't want to ever have to tell a patient that they need to make dietary changes based on their weight while being obese myself.
15. I want to feel as though I can honestly say that I'm healthy.
16. I want to feel desired. Like sexually. By a guy. I'm sick of being put in a friend zone right away because I'm overweight.
17. I want to be able to walk up three flights of stairs without huffing and puffing.
18. I want to be proud of my body.
19. I want to feel strong and powerful - physically.
20. I deserve this.
21. People judge you by appearance and I don't ever want to be judged as someone who doesn't care about herself
22. If I ever do get pregnant/have children/add to the world population (scary thought), I don't want people to have a hard time telling if I'm pregnant or just fat. Also, I don't want to ever miss out on some opportunity in their lives because I'm fat.
23. If I ever get married/commit to someone forever (and ever and ever - another terrifying thought), I don't want to have to buy a plus size wedding dress
24. I don't want to have to worry that people describe me as "the fat girl."
25. I want to feel pretty

Camels have it waaaay easier. They actually use their fat stores. I simply carry mine around.