Day 287/365: My reasons why

I've been hmming and hawing about how to start in this little ol' blog again. For the past 2+ months, I've been trying to get back on the wagon. And for the past 2+ months, I've been making tiny bits of progress while taking huge leaps backwards. I'm not sure how to motivate myself to start this journey again. I do this, "I'll start on Monday," stuff pretty frequently. I also do the, "I'll start fresh next month." I've also eaten a million "this is my last unhealthy meal" meals and that hasn't been helping. So, I'm going to take this one day at a time. Tomorrow is day one. I don't have to be to work until 10:00 a.m. So this lovely ass is getting up at 7:00 a.m. to hit the gym, eat a good breakfast, and get to work with time to spare. Why?

• Because I'm tired of wondering if my seatbelt buckle is digging into me because I'm fat or just because it was made that way
• Because I'm tired of wondering if the flight attendant keeps brushing my arm as she walks by because I'm so fat that it sticks out or because it was an honest mistake
• Because I'm tired of feeling like people look at me like differently when I want a cookie/second piece of pizza/donut/extra cheese
• Because I'm tired of telling myself I'll do it tomorrow
• Because waiting for an "aha" moment to really motivate me hasn't happened
• Because I'd like to not be winded walking up the stairs from the second floor to the sixth floor
• Because I rest only half my ass on the table wondering if it can hold my weight
• Because I feel like I'm losing control
• Because I'm scared I'll look back on this point in my life and wonder why I didn't want to prioritize me
• Because it's terrifying that the REI doctor I work with won't do IVF on anyone with a BMI > 35 and I fit in that category
• Because I'm tired of going to my closet and finding fewer clothes that fit me
• Because I don't need to be afraid of failing, because it happens to everyone all the time
• Because I honestly do want to be healthy
• Because it's exhausting being the fat friend
• Because it's awkward talking about how bad obesity is with patients whose BMI is less than mine
• Because I did actually like running for a bit there
• Because being overweight and pregnant is not a good idea (note: I'm definitely not pregnant - just thinking in the future)
• Because feeling strong felt awesome
• Because the double chin has got to go
• Because the hotel towels not being able to wrap around me is embarrassing
• Because I deserve to feel good about myself
• Because having my XXL scrubs feel tight feels fucking awful
• Because blogging isn't a chore - it's an honor that people want to help me or read these rambling
• Because asking for help is okay
• Because I don't need to be embarrassed that I'm working on myself
• Because I keep holding myself back when I don't need to

And I am logging those damn calories. I will let a little inconvenience help make a big difference. I can do this. Look for another post tomorrow!